emersonschaos

[emersonschaos]

Now was the worst time to choose to read The Hunger Games. But actually it’s the absolute best except I am just so scared, and I’m pretty sure I’m a horrible coward.

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I want to learn how to weave beads.

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WAIT I JUST FOUND THis show called North of North about an Inuk girl and like it’s her trying to navigate life and they didn’t just like plop her in a common “well-known” US city or anything and it’s her in her community AND JUST LIKE THINK OF THE CULTURE AND OMYGOSH ITS SO COOL LIKE THE WHOLE FOCUS OF THE SHOW IS HER CULTURE AND I HOPE WITH ALK OF NY FUCKING BEING THAT it’s AN ACCURATE PORTRAYAL IF THE INUIT CULTURE AND IM SO EXCITED TO LEARN

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“This world is full of dragon slayers. What we need are a few more people who aren’t too proud to listen to a fish”

- Jackaby, William Ritter

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[emersonschaos]

Do I actually like you or do am I just semi-comfortable with you because you don’t judge my info dumps and inane ramblings and reply to my texts more than the other five people I know? In other words: Is it a crush or am I just an attention whore?

[emersonschaos]

So I have learned that Jimmy/James is a nickname for Vincent because Cenz*, a nickname for the Italian name Vincenzo, kind of sounds like James. (Yeah right, like if you tilt your head and squint super hard.)

I do not accept and would like to register my continued frustration that this is a thing that exists.

*please note that soft Cs in Italian are pronounced with a ch sound

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Possible usernames or something, idk:

- The Devil You Know

- The Devil You Don’t (Know)

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“Almost everything strange washes up in Miami.”

- Chiron, Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters

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I think the only concrete belief I have is that everyone deserves to be treated like a human being, and it cripples me a little more every time I see all the excuses we’ve come up with to not act on what is truly the smallest of courtesies.

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I really need to learn how to keep shit to myself. I swear I have a horrible memory but sometimes something someone says will like stick with me or maybe just the way they say it and then I’m stuck with inexplainable vibes because I’m bad at retaining details when it comes to social interactions of any kind. And I’m terrible at like keeping my mouth shut when I’m reminded of something / I tend to repeat things whenever it pops into my mind.

So I have this memory of my dad mentioning a show about a girl who was going through a trial as the victim of rape, and I swear he mentioned something along the lines of ‘if she hadn’t backed down so soon she could have gotten a bigger settlement.’ And I tried to explain to him that even just the idea of the backlash she was going to experience as a result of that trial was so fucking daunting and dreadful and scary, and just contemplating being in her position makes me never want to leave the house again let alone back out of a trial early.

Then today we’re watching something where a girl was molested and tried to take legal action and when it fell through, the assaulter’s dad spat in her face when she was waiting for the bus. And I tried to point out that that is precisely what I was talking about. And long story short apparently I’ve brought up this supposed conversation three or four times and he doesn’t remember it at all and now he feels attacked for ideas that he doesn’t have.

Which I’m sure he believes, and I’m also sure that he legitimately has good intentions and beliefs, we definitely align on most beliefs. But I also think that he doesn’t understand the other side of this particular argument and he doesn’t think about what he says sometimes and uses words like fruitcake that are not quite right and idk the vibe I get is that some of his arguments lean slightly towards victim shaming under the guise of being realistic. Like ‘well this is the world we live in and everyone’s got to be aware.’

All this to say that I would feel way less depressed and cringy and embarrassed and cowardly as I hide in my room right now if I could just never talk again because I think this might happen every time I try to formulate a concrete opinion/stance while addressing a serious subject. But like I said, I have a horrible memory and maybe all my vibes are paranoid dreams.

[emersonschaos]

Enola Holmes and the Case of the Missing Marquis (Book) Quotes

“Although cordial enough when we met, mum and I seldom interfered in one another’s concerns.”

“Let growing things alone.”

“I knew my mother was criticized for failing properly to drape vulgar surfaces such as coal scuttles, the back of her piano, and me”

“I had observed…that most married women disappeared into the house every year or two, emerging several months later with a new child to the number of, perhaps, a dozen until they either ceased or expired. My mother, by comparison, had produced only my two much older brothers. Somehow this prior restraint made my arrival all the more shameful.”

“The seamstress began to produce prim dim-colored dresses…with a 19.5 inch waist…to 18.5 inches and smaller, in expectation that as I grew, I would diminish.”

“Horses sweat, you know, and men perspire, whereas ladies glow. I am sure I looked all-of-aglow…Indeed, I could feel all-of-aglow trickling down my sides beneath my corset.”

“A rose of any sort signifies love.”

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I cannot tell you how much I absolutely love Enola Holmes. I love both the movies and the books so much mostly because of Enola’s cheekiness but in completely different ways. Obviously the movies have the romance which is so adorable I can’t even. She just sasses Tewksbury so hard and makes him so flustered and gets equally flustered in return. Then the books she’s an absolute menace to her brothers. Like she consistently makes them look like complete fools and I just adore the love she has for Sherlock. She would totally think I’m an idiot but I would like die for Enola in either of her incarnations.

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I fucking can’t with like villains’ double standards. Like the manta pirate guys in Aquaman, they go around killing people and then he’s upset his dad dies in one of their raids?!? They make this super tragic death story and I know they’re human and shit but like the way he doesn’t understand that he has no right to even ask for mercy. And it’s not the story line that upsets me, it’s the fact that I know people exist who are just that fucking blind and illogical and they lacking so much fucking empathy that it drives me into a blind rage. It completely saps all the fucking faith I could possibly have in humanity and just makes me feel so fucking hopeless and useless.

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I want to learn Latin.

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I have the unfortunate tendency to wait around for people, especially when we’ve made plans or there’s a group activity to be done.

You see, I am under the assumption that people occasionally do activities together and I find the satisfaction in most tasks comes from the company I keep while doing it. For example, theme parks wouldn’t be as much fun alone. However, it feels like I am always out of step when it comes to spending time with people as they always seem to start said activities without me or become busy with other things.

My mom has said I am a follower, which she claims is ok, but too often I seem to get myself left behind. I find myself wishing more and more for the ability to just exist. No need to make plans, or find a place to eat, or a place to go, or a site to see, or a task to do together, or any other iteration of finding an appropriate time and place to interact.

I want nothing more than to have someone that I can somehow exist in the same space with while simultaneously not feeling like I am failing to function as a human being.

[emersonschaos]

Sometimes I find myself wishing that the kind of love you find in stories was real. And maybe it is; I’m just not sure I was built for it.