emi-for-your-thoughts

[emi-for-your-thoughts]

I don’t even see myself past my 30s.

[emi-for-your-thoughts]

Okay, I’ll let it out here. I think it’s better that I didn’t acquire any partner ever. Because looking back to my past versions, they were really better off to not have someone else.

I’m afraid that if those past versions of myself had anyone in their lives, the partner will be either ruined or they would leave her. So its either they were ruined or its my past versions. And I don’t want any of that.

I’m mentally unstable, I just get by because of my hyper fixations, being grounded enough, (thank you, parents and I guess being me being a taurus sun haha), and thank goodness I became aware of my flaws and my emotions (still can’t identify some of them, and I still have this habit of disregarding them as if I don’t feel them) because it was NOT taught to me by anyone, and thank you my scorpio moon I guess.

I’m just blabbing at this point.

Nevertheless, I’m well aware that sometimes I think I’m better off to not have anyone in other to have this peace and I wouldn’t ruin someone’s experience in love.

It gets lonely a lot of times. I would like someone to take care of me, too; not just my papa. I want to experience it all, too. But seeing the roster right now. Okay, I’m better off alone, I guess.

Also, I’m toooo lazy to date anyone. Some men are just a bore to talk to. Like you’ll make some effort to know them by asking, they’ll answer, but they never reciprocate the same effort to know you. And the conversation just hang in there and die.

Or maybe it’s also the fact that I’m NOT conventionally attractive. I’m very aware of my looks… I’ve tormented myself for the way I look… I’ve ruined myself in my mind in the way it could make anyone kill themselves.

I’m also aware of the evil twin that my mind developed. It’s the disgusting and evil thoughts that creep out in my mind whenever it feels that the world is unfair for the both of us. Maybe it’s not an evil twin, but a side that I never acknowledged because ‘I should be kind’ or ‘I should be the perfect daughter’. She’s always there, letting out her thoughts sometimes, of how come those kind of people or physically unattractive people get to have what we want but we can’t. Or how people misunderstood me and she whispers that those people are being unfair because they like to develop this kind of version of me that never existed or how they would like to twist my narrative that would benefit them and would fit their reality. While writing this, I realized that she’s a double-edged sword. She’s pessimistic and thinks the worst out of the people I met, but she’s logical, realistic, and my protector. She’s loud sometimes, but I get to weigh everything from two different perspectives

But she was never revealed to the world. She may come and go, but she never fully consumed my whole being. Maybe because she was just meant to be part of me. And she was okay, being on the sidelines. My only confidant.

While writing this, I realized I’m better off alone, because no man would understand this. In order to love me, they have to accept and love this mind and these sides of me. Fully and unconditionally.

[emi-for-your-thoughts]

Remember

I suddenly remember the first time I got a 75 grade in elementary and it was just because I didn't get to pass a project that looking back now is utterly useless.

It was to photocopy every "Remember" notes from the Mathematics book. I didn't have a 4th Grade Mathematics book that time because of the scarcity of supply since I study in a public school; which is expected.

My parents, especially my Mama, were disappointed because I was known to be good on the subject. On the first night we received my report card, she was angry. The next day she went to my school to inquire about my grades. Then she discovered that I was unable to pass the project.

I, probably, unconcsiously thought that it was a useless project, but I remember that my young self thought of my family's financial capability. At an early age, I'm very aware that we are not well enough. They ask for me to wait until my birthday before they can get me my one desire, a laptop toy just like my childhood friend has. I'm still grateful that they were able to purchase me my needs. I'm fed more than three times a day, I have a roof above my head, and loving and hardworking parents.

My young self understood everything hence I didn't tell my parents about it, and it happened a few times during that time. My Mother donated paint in order to save my grades, I didn't want her to spend on a useless project that would end up as a trash, but at least the paint we donated were used.

And as I got older, our situation got worse as they try to give me the experience that I still cherish up to this day.

I just hope I had the time to reciprocate the love and abundance to my Mama, but fate was never kind to us.

Unlike that useless project, I will forever "Remember" her and let her live through me.

[emi-for-your-thoughts]

if my other self in another universe succeeds and happy right now in exchange of my lingering sadness, then I'm happy for them.

[emi-for-your-thoughts]

why is it I think about sudden death, I always think about the people that will be left behind or the first person that will know. not the fact that my life suddenly ends.

[emi-for-your-thoughts]

—07152024

I am aware that I can be hard on myself. I tried to be perfect. The perfect daughter, a reliable friend, and someone who's there when no one would do it for you.

Now, I'm starting to discover my flaws and how ugly my thoughts can be. How terrifying I can be. By acknowledging them, I'm learning on where to start completely embracing them, instead of tucking them into the deepest part of myself; where no one can see it. It's ugly, horrible, and selfish I can be. It was the other side of me that I am afraid to unleash. Maybe my parents were so great in terms of raising me because my morals are so intact that its like my default system. But I can also have my mishaps. Times where my greed get the best ouf of me.

Nevertheless, I think that's what made me unique. Those parts of myself are there, and waiting to be unleased to the world once this life decides to become the villain of my life. It's my protector from the things life throw at me. I have no one but me. Born alone, have thoughts of dying alone.... Even now, I realized I'm being hard on myself again.