emperorcandy

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Under a lamp 2025 Acrylic on paper

It's about missing someone so hopelessly that one conflates the memories of what one once had with a dreamt-of future in which one might be reunited with one's longed-for loved one.

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https://www.instagram.com/p/B85BEl9HaWj/

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oh my stickvin

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I think Jasper and Amber should both be gender-neutral names. Stop gendering rocks.

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I think Jasper and Amber should both be gender-neutral names. Stop gendering rocks.

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Some tumblr conversations are fascinating because they really are like

"My job gave us these expensive trinkets that nobody wanted. All of us wish that they would've given us the money instead."

"I don't get it?? did you want some different trinket?"

"I think it was explicitly clear in the OP that they would have wanted the money that the company spent on the trinkets, not a trinket."

"But why? :0"

"Money can be exchanged for goods and services."

"Waow I didn't know that!! :0 reblogging to raise awareness!"

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the funniest and most tragic moment in steven universe is the scene that implies that Pearl pulls bitches like a professional dog walker but doesn't know how phones work so her place on earth is being a life-changing futch fling for every dyke on the east coast there's probably a gay bar in maryland where they talk about the twiggy bird chick that eats milf pussy like it's the last edible thing on earth and they dont even know about the city full of thousand year old neon lesbian amazons who are pent up 24/7 from The War and leaving room for jesus cause they're always hanging out with their softboy nephew who might be the second coming of christ

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I think about this stuff a lot because I am a huge dork; fellow huge dorks, what do you think?

(I did a post some years ago going over some of the implications of each of these almost-kings reaching the throne.)

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The Almost-Kings

We take for granted many people and events in history, but when so much rested on an unstable human life, history could be irreversibly changed at any moment. Here are some of the heirs to the English throne that never lived to see it:

William Adelin, 17, son of Henry I: Died in 1120 when his ship sank in the English Channel. Impact: William’s death precipitated a twenty-year war for the throne between his sister Matilda and his cousin Stephen.

Henry the Young King, 28, son of Henry II: Died in 1183 of dysentery while campaigning against his father and brother. Impact: The throne was inherited by his brother, crusader Richard I “Coeur de Lion”, and then his brother John “Lackland”, who would sign the Magna Carta.

Edward V, 12, son of Edward IV: Became de facto king on his father’s death in 1483, but was shut in the Tower of London with his brother, while his uncle took the throne as Richard III. They were never seen again, and presumed murdered. Impact: Richard’s seizure of the throne reopened the causes of the Wars of the Roses, which ended with Richard’s death and the end of the Plantagenet Dynasty.

Arthur Tudor, 15, son of Henry VII: Died of an unknown illness in Wales in 1502. Impact: Arthur’s brother inherited the throne as Henry VIII. He also married Arthur’s widow, Catherine of Aragon.

Henry Tudor, 7 weeks, son of Henry VIII: Died in 1511 of unknown causes. Impact: Henry VIII’s quest for sons led him to marry six times and reform the English Church. His later son Edward ruled for a short time, followed by his daughters Mary and Elizabeth. With them ended the Tudor dynasty.

Henry Stuart, 18, son of James I: Died of typhoid in 1612. Impact: Henry’s brother Charles inherited the throne. Lacking his brother’s strength and charisma, he proved a weak leader, finally being executed in the English Civil War.

William Stuart, 11, son of Queen Anne: Died of pneumonia in 1700. Impact: Anne’s death without a child caused the throne to pass over 55 Catholic claimants to her distant cousin George of Hanover, ending the Stuart dynasty.

Frederick of Hanover, 44, son of George II: Died of a blood clot in 1751. Impact: Who knows? His son succeeded him as George III.

Charlotte of Hanover, 21, daughter of George IV: Died in childbirth in 1817. Impact: The throne eventually went instead to George’s niece Victoria, who would reign for over sixty years.

Albert Victor, 28, son of Edward VII: Died of pneumonia in 1892. Impact: His brother became king as George V. Had he not died, the current royal family would not only not rule, they would not exist: George would marry Mary of Teck, Albert’s prospective fiancee.

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various medieval English rulers in a grocery store

I have ingested nyquil so I am doing this

Alfred the Great: buys just enough canned food and duct tape to the point where you’re not overly concerned but you are pretty sure he’s a doomsday prepper

Aethelflaed: fills three carts with snack cakes, those church basement paper cups, and generic brand soda because no one can negotiate a surrender on an empty stomach

Athelstan: that is far too much coffee 

Aethelred the Unready: just buying every single item on his wife’s list. This is the fourth store he’s been to because Emma is very specific.

Cnut: only came here for all his Special Haircare Products

William the Conqueror: fills up a cart and just leaves without paying. just fucking books it to the parking lot I hate him

Matilda: comes in with three rowdy boys, tells them to not ask for ANYTHING, buys an armload of 5-hour energies, leaves with two rowdy boys

Henry II: walks around the store eating a bag of grapes he has not bought while Eleanor does the actual shopping

Richard I: will find a way to talk about his study abroad last year with the deli guy if it kills him. Is also texting his mom to ask what groceries he needs to buy because he has no idea

John: verbally berating everyone in customer service because they won’t let him return a dented can of peas that expired 7 years ago

Edward I: tries to use a 24 year old coupon to buy lentils in bulk (he doesn’t even like lentils?) and knocks over an elaborate pepsi display in a fit of rage 

Edward II: has his card declined and demands to know why the cashier had to be so loud about it

Edward III: says “guess it’s FREE THEN HAHAHA!!!” when an item doesn’t scan right away. several items do not scan. Gets a veteran’s discount.

Richard II: that’s uhhh… a lot of advil there buddy 

Henry V: also has his card declined but drops the “DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS” line, is dressed like lucky luciano 

Henry VI: begins to panic when Margaret leaves him in line for two minutes because she forgot eggs. the line is moving quickly…so quickly

Edward IV: he has one cart filled with wine. Elizabeth Woodville has another filled with kid cuisines. 

Henry VII: pulls out the fattest binder you have ever seen and it’s filled with coupons. His transactions usually take 2 hours and he tsks the entire time. 

Henry VIII: buys bags of charcoal and dog food just so he can pick them all up and be like “yeah this isn’t even heavy to me I don’t even feel it” also buys condoms and laughs nervously 

Edward VI: literally just buying root vegetables even though he’s 9 because he is so weird

Mary I: just coming in for her weekly supply of “praying for you” cards, always gives exact change thank you mary 

Elizabeth I (if these even count as medieval anymore): no longer allowed to do her own shopping after the sweet n low incident. Now a personal shopper gets her groceries for her. it is robert dudley 

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How much of the bread bowl are you supposed to eat? The whole bowl is edible. You have to eat SOME of it. But where are you supposed to draw the line? Is it too gluttonous to eat the entire thing? Too fickle to only eat the soup and touch the bread?

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Explain yourself.

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My mom kept complaining that all of a sudden the Beatles are back and they're fucking everywhere and they're so obnoxious and were practically having an orgy in her garden under a cucumber leaf and that's when I realized she meant spotted cucumber beetles and not Paul McCartney

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IT FUCKIN YURI DAAAAAAAAAAAY

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*cools ur dashboard down*