encasedether

[encasedether]

I forget tumblr is a great way to stay connected

I was a tumblr teen, and my old blog is still up, with posts from 2000, 3000, 4000 days ago

I look at some posts and am bewildered to remember some of those posts so easily

For some, I remember laughing at them

What the fuck

[encasedether]

what is annihilation of the self?

those who practice mindfulness and meditation, especially its teachers, seem to either avoid or discredit negative experiences people have had with meditation.

yet, there are a few who have, after over a decade of practice, experienced reactions akin to PTSD.

when one can’t escape deep felt sense of every iteration of sensation, when these sensations are ringing about and clamoring over the most nuanced sense of discontent

everything feels like it’s dying, everything feels like it’s dead.

why do some people experience these roundabout responses to intense mindfulness, after having experienced the bliss of freedom from discontent?

the answer seems to hint at how transient experiencing bliss can be, and how deeply held old, suppressed pain can remain.

regardless of kundalini awakenings, phases of spiritual epiphanies that last several months, blissful waking dreams, and heart-opening initiations, we can still hold old pains that resurface.

what does this mean for the human?

some spiritualists would say we are always being created in every moment - but they leave out the multidimensionality of the human. we are bound to bodies that have parts that can be frozen in time, and receive fresh new wounds in such unique, psychic ways.

the annihilation of the self will not save us. diving deep into the dark night of the soul and yearning to remove every cobweb is not guaranteed to ever work. only learned, earned, embodied wisdom and persistence will bring us solace as we face the waves of darkness that exist in the world we call this life.

in all this, for all the pains that can be frozen and all the wounds that can be earned regardless of hard earned peace - there must be a reason. this i believe, that there must be some destiny.

as i contemplated my journey, i came a cross the thoughtful writing of a mindfulness teacher who has metaphorically been through hell and back with meditation and taken the time to deeply consider what it can do to people.

as a disclaimer, i believe meditation is mostly beneficial - but also that the dark underbelly of “this life” is not discussed enough.

[encasedether]

“I liked my poetry to smell like I had forgotten my deodorant. You could smell me from across the table. I liked my work to smell of work and fuck.”

— Carmen Giménez Smith, “Parts of an Autobiography,” from Milk and Filth

[encasedether]

oh egregore

something exists

emerging in the nothingness

a list

a definition

a motive

and a limit

the disrupted pathways of minds

the broken glass of spoken word

links form between two

causing others to trip

and force their label too

our ethereal dance has become thing and

our games begin failing

which links do you pull and

which ones do you hold?