enlightening-words-blog

[enlightening-words-blog]

Limbo

It fills the void with hope and prosperity

But for It's worth

It also fills me with possibilities

Possibilities of sadness and depression

Flee must I try from this self-oppression

Have hope ye who seek happiness

Have hope for you have much to gain

Battle through till you achieve fulfillment

Only then will it be worth the pain

Clear your mind of what drains your soul

Clear your soul of what blackens your mind

Find comfort my friend, you are no fool

You only aspire to achieve what is devine

Light will again shine through the darkness

Patience's dividends will be payed

Have faith for you never know

God has a plan that will be layed

Find beauty in now, find life in the present

Look not far ahead, look for your own content

Find the light in the darkness, you'll no longer be sore

Fret not my friend, You'll be in Limbo no more

[enlightening-words-blog]

Psychy

It’s 11 am. I wake up to the sound of my extremely loud alarm clock; it’s one of those old ones with the tiny hammer and two bells on top. I’ve always hated it, but it tends to do the job it’s meant to do. I wash my face and teeth and look in the mirror at myself

“Just another day at the office, you’ll get through it.” I think to myself

I head back to the bedroom of my tiny one bedroom apartment. Don’t feel too sorry for me, it’s all I’m ever going to need anyways.

Sensing that Pessimism has already started to cross her boundaries I decided to get a move on.

I put on some nice clothes, pick up my clipboard and head to my office. Lucky for me my office is nearby so I can sleep in as I wish.

I sit down on my couch and close my eyes, and just like that, I’m there. My beautiful office situated deep in my frontal lobe where my limbic system resides. As a kid I liked to call it “The Imagisphere”.

I take my seat and to my delight some of my patients are already there, and as I suspected, Pessimism is indeed causing trouble with the control panel

“Pessimism! How many times have I asked you to stay away from that? The control panel is what controls this entire mind, and therefore, this entire person. We do not touch it unless we decide on something. Please sit down now so we can begin”

“I don’t understand why it matters what I do to the panel, nobody cares anyways.”

She then proceeded to recite a quote I had read recently.

“Your whole life is on the other side of the glass, and there is nobody watching” by Alan Bennett.

You see that’s the big problem with this job. My patients have access to my memories and my thoughts, they know everything about me, and they know what I’m thinking and what I want to do.

I think it’s about time for a proper introduction of myself. My name is Jean Paul de Beauvoir. I am a 36-year-old man. Although I am currently listed as unemployed, I like to think otherwise. From my own personal perspective, I am a full time therapist to someone who desperately needs it…myself. My five patients are my most dominant personality flaws, everyday I must sit with them to make sure they are in line, under cover, unnoticed and controlled. Otherwise I might just go crazy. Ironic I must admit, a therapist going crazy, laughable really.

I believe it’s time to showcase the patients. I’ll start with Pessimism given that you’ve already met her acquaintance. Pessimism is a 16-year-old Goth girl who has made quite the wrong friends in her teenage life. She cuts her hair short, wears black lipstick and dark make-up and is understandably difficult to deal with. I’ve only ever seen one person somewhat get along with her, and that is my second patient; Depression.

Depression is a 40-year-old woman who always wears black to mourn her deceased husband. He met his fate in a car crash 10 years ago and yet there is still no sign of progress with her. Even though there is bare minimum in common between her and Pessimism, they tend to always have similar views and opinions so they always pair up in these sessions, unlike my third patient; Esteem, who tends to sit alone during the whole period.

Esteem is a 14-year-old boy who can unfortunately be only described at this time as ‘broken’. He had lived a surprisingly happy and fulfilling childhood, but in recent years he suffered from merciless bullying which left him a mere shadow of his former happy go lucky self. The boy has become so frail and sensitive, even the slightest of undesired comments can send him into a psychological abyss, scurrying into the nearest hiding place. I tend to have him sit as far as possible from my first two patients; they have such…unsought effects on the poor little guy. It’s a shame really.

“C-c-can we get started yet?” Said the stuttering voice of my fourth patient “W-what’s the hold up? Is there a pr-pr-problem? There is, isn’t there? Oh G-g-god!”

That right there is Anxiety in a nutshell. A man in his mid thirties, always worried, always nervous, never calm enough to look on the bright side or see common rationale. Not really a surprise to find out that he went as bald as a coot barely in his twenties, not even his own hair could muster up the strength to deal with his uneasiness.

“There is no problem I assure you, we’re just waiting for our final companion to arrive. Just try to calm down a bit if you please,” I said trying my best to maintain the peacefulness of the room.

“Assure? And how are you so sure? You’re not God, there can be a problem at any moment; we can all die just like that. WE. KNOW. NOTHING Mr. Jean. Quite frankly judging by the activity of your brain, we’re all pretty sure you know nothing as well.” There she went again scavenging my mind for my own insecurities and adding her insight was the brash as always, Pessimism.

“Agreed” Depression does what she invariably does, simply agree with Pessimism.

Not the least bit surprising at this point, Anxiety has gone in full panic mode and has started crying.

“Thank you for that, both of you. You know Pessimism I’ve read somewhere that Gothic teenagers tend to stay quiet as much as possible, why aren’t you like that?” I asked curiously and smugly trying to get under her skin

“Trying to get under my skin I see. Doesn’t work Mr. Jean”

…Damn their ability to dwell in my thoughts. There is nothing I can hide from them. Effectively making them the most difficult patients in the world, and hence this is the most difficult job in the world. Unemployed they said…preposterous.

“I understand that thinking this the hardest job in the world is an attempt to help me” Esteem uttering his first words of the session “But it’s no use. I know we’re unemployed. I know we’re borderline broke and i know we’re alone. Stop trying to sugar coat it for me”

It truly fills me with sorrow that the joyful boy I once knew was reduced to this. It breaks my heart.

“Bullshit! We have a great life, we’re not alone, and we can make do with the money we have”

“You yourself are not convinced with the nonsense you’re spewing”

I wasn’t. I was trying my best to help him but he saw right through me.

“Nonetheless, let’s get started with todays issue”

“Without h-h-him??”

“We’ve waited long enough. Besides it’s not the first time he’s gone missing when we needed him” That was the first thing I’ve said all session that everyone unanimously agreed upon. With quick nods of approval, we were on our way.

“Now since you all know why you’re here there’s no need to explain so let’s get to it. The job interview is coming up…” Almost immediately the entire room reacted how you’d expect them to. Esteem hid under his chair, Depression started sobbing, pessimism rolled her eyes at me and I’m pretty sure I could see whatever is left of Anxiety’s hair fall out.

Allow me to fill you in more on my life before I detail the job interview. I was once a proud graduate from one of the biggest law schools in the country, on the honor roll no less. But a series of failed projects and mistakes have led me to be a rather undesired entity in the eyes of employers. Since then I have had to do some unenviable ‘jobs’ for money. I had truly hit rock bottom. Normally I would be so confident in my abilities this interview would merely be a formality at that point. But now, I am not the man I used to be. This is my first Job interview in 3 odd years, and I’m as frightened as I’ve ever been. As you can tell by Anxiety’s (over)reaction

“N-N-NOO! I won’t let you d-do it. I won’t let you sit down in front of scary mean men who will only j-j-judge you and tear you down!”

“I must admit that sounds horrific, it certainly won’t do me any favors,” claimed a rather worried Esteem.

“Why go? What does it matter? They’re just going to turn you down.” Pessimism being unhelpful. Nothing new.

“Agreed”…no need to clarify who said that

“This is an amazing opportunity for me, for us. I’ll be damned if I let your negativity hold us back. This is my chance, the chance I’ve been waiting for. We can finally start over; we can make my life, and hence yours, better. But I NEED you guys to cooperate. I NEED Anxiety to calm down enough, just for a few hours. I NEED Depression to stop crying. We NEED to build Esteem back up again if we are going to do this. And Pessimism my dear quite frankly I’m going to need you to stop talking and stay away from Depression, you are the absolute worse influence on her at this point. Am I understood?”

Complete silence rained over the session, no one dared speak after that and for a moment, just one tiny moment, I felt something I had not felt in ages, I was…relaxed. Could it be? Just for a minute, I had complete control over all my emotions, defects and thoughts? It seemed too good to be true.

I open my eyes on the couch I was laying upon. I let out just a diminutive smile and look up at the ceiling. Then I make a crucial mistake, but I had to. I decide to look at my wristwatch to check how much time I had left for my interview, and to my dismay, I learn that there is not that much time left. I immediately black out and am rushed right back into my limbic system.

I gaze around the room in confusion, I see Anxiety looking at a big clock on the wall.

“That clock wasn’t here before” I thought to myself.

“It always has” replied all four of my patients in unison.

My mind was playing tricks on me. I was having a breakdown right then and there.

Suddenly, Anxiety made a run for the control panel and started pressing all sorts of buttons and pushing all kinds of levers. I am instantly awoken again, this time making way for the bathroom as fast as I could. I vomit again and again. I’m certain anything I had eaten for the past week was now flushed down the drain. Damn you Anxiety.

At this point there was no chance I was going to make it to my interview. I had given up. I was once again beaten by the demons of my own mind. I now lay down on the couch, defeated, and close my eyes disappointedly.

There he was, still bashing away at that panel. This poor body can’t handle this much longer. Just as he was in the process of delivering his final blow, possibly sending me into a state of psychosis, a hand thrusts through the darkness and pulls back Anxiety’s arm, pushing him away from the control panel. He was finally here. He moves from the shadow into the light, a 50-year-old, weak, anorexic man, but still dressed as sharply as anyone could be. Do not let his current condition fool you, this man was once a war veteran with physique that would give Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime a run for his money, and a handsome face that would make every lady within a fifty mile radius swoon. Times have been cruel to this man and distressing experiences have made him fragile. That my dear reader, coming to my aid when I needed him most, was none other than Confidence.

No matter how much he changes, one thing never does; whenever he was here, everyone was in line, listened and behaved as required. The respect Confidence demands and inevitably receives is what sets him the most valuable asset anyone can have, but also the most pivotal loss to anyone’s mind when he is gone.

As soon as the four other patients saw him, they sat down and promptly started cooperating with anything I asked them to do.

I snap out of my blackout again and rush to my interview. I felt like I was I control of my own destiny and nothing can stop me. My interview had begun and immediately my stomach started rumbling again, I know Anxiety can’t control himself for long. But at that moment, I decide to do something I hadn’t done in years. I choose to believe in myself, my abilities and in my Confidence to hold it down, and I was right. An hour or two later, the job was mine. Relief hit me hard. My mind went blank. I just felt happy for the first time in eons.

I go to the bathroom to wash my face. Maybe this is a dream? A delightful fantasy? I’m unsure. I give my face a quick rinse. I look up in the mirror and instead of seeing myself, I see the 14-year-old boy I once knew and loved. He no longer looked feeble and weak. He smiles at me and mouths the words “Thank you”. I just smile back, wink at him confidently, and head out of the bathroom.

I realize I will be back in the ��Imagesphere’ soon enough, but for now I have my self-confidence back. I am no longer thwarted by my own mind.

[enlightening-words-blog]

Bully

It’s past midnight. I walk down a road I am extremely familiar with. I pass by here every day at almost the same time just to reach the spot where I’ve grown to become used to, the intersection between MM Avenue and OT Boulevard… I’ve always wondered what those stood for. What happens in that place every time tends to bring me to my knees and messes with my mental state so much so that it often brings me to depression. Yet for some reason I will never know, I still find myself unusually attracted to that place, and head there whenever I get the chance and anything isn’t going my way.

I keep walking till I reach my destination and there, as usual, stood a huge bodied man whose face seems always clouded by fog. Without saying any words he did what he consistently and brutally does, he beats me up till I no longer have the will or ability to stand up and face anyone. I just lay there till the next day, possibly crying, feeling powerless. I never bothered to find out who that person was. All I knew was that I had a strange almost spiritual obligation that I must be in that place everyday at that same time to face the same problem.

A few days later I had a particularly splendid day, nothing really went wrong which, if you knew me you’d know, almost indubiously never happens. Unfortunately, I still had the urge to go there again, but this time when I reached the intersection unfathomably, the man wasn’t there. In his place a huge yellow sign that read “Detour; head towards ACPT square!”

I didn’t know what that meant but seeing as though I didn’t have any other choice I did as the sign stated and went to the square. It felt eerie; there was no huge man here. Instead there were three people there who sat together talking. I wasn’t sure what they’d do to me, but I felt something missing going astray from my usual routine, so I decided to sit with them. They didn’t beat me; they just spoke and from their mouths exited music almost as if of a Siren’s song. These weren’t normal notes I heard, for once they entered my mind I could interpret the message these people were trying to send me. I closed my eyes and I could hear everything clearly

“Learn to love yourself, and the world will love you back. Treat yourself better, and the world won’t bully you. The road to fixing your problems starts by changing your own self”

When I opened my eyes again, all three of them were no longer here. It was a rather otherworldly experience, and even though I don’t know who these people were or why they advised me, I felt gratitude towards them. I thought maybe this is where I should be everyday instead, maybe I’d finally get over the strange desire I have of heading over to the intersection.

The very next day, things were back to how they originally were. I had a rough day mentally so I decided to head back to the square, the melodies I’d hear there are exactly what I needed. I reached the square at around 11,30 PM, but low and behold, I was damned again. A huge orange sign stood there and on it read “Closed for construction!”

“Back to the same old same old” I thought to myself “I bet the huge man missed me”

I went back to the intersection, the sign was gone and the man was back again, just crackling his knuckles waiting for me. I was shocked and astonished, there wasn’t a fog anymore, I could finally see his face and it was... mine? Yes, mine. It made perfect sense now, what the three people at the square were saying, what the street abbreviations meant, everything.

It was too late however, the man did what he did best and pounded me into oblivion, only this time it hurt more than it has ever hurt before. Maybe it’s because I’ve had a taste of the square, or maybe it’s because I found out that I’ve been the one beating myself and my esteem up this whole time. I was my own bully.

I just laid there again, without an idea what to do now. If the three people I met at the square weren’t always there, what was I supposed to do? Then I remembered what they said and realized that was what was supposed to happen this whole time. I needed to change myself. I needed to change my train of thought. I needed to stop hurting myself with my own thoughts. I needed to rely more on myself than anyone else. I needed to become happy by my own hand again.

I needed to escape My Mind Avenue and Over Thinking Boulevard and make my way to Acceptance Square far more often than I was. Hopefully it’s open again.