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entry #6 no recess.

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entry #5

we both know i made your life interesting. i left cordially, then you embellished me so heavily, that the me you talk about isn't me. the version of me that you have in your head, that you tell your new friends, that you write about online... what a bitch! if you were honest about me, yeah - i'd still think you're an asshole. but i'd respect you. i have such little respect for you that i actually pity you. you lie about me to make your dull, pathetic life interesting again. now that i'm gone. so here's what i have to say about you. you're a fucking loser.

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entry #4 "sit in one place, i dare you."

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entry #3

i was invited to a costume party. it's tomorrow night. haven't been around a crowd in 7 months. and i don't like my costume. i'm irritated. it used to be easy. arrive a bit late. finish my smoke outside. pull shoulders back. flip hair. smile a bit. search for familiar faces. introduce myself to new ones. stay sober like i always do. another smoke. chat with the patio people. go back inside. watch people get hammered. dance a while. another smoke. hide in the bathroom. one more dance. head home. i used to like that routine. i'm irritated. i don't like my costume. took a long time to pick it out, too. it fits fine. but it just feels weird. will i like it tomorrow? try to find a new one? wear the one i've got?

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entry #2 being the 'bigger person' is heavy. and it will suck for a while. "if everyone knew how awful so-and-so is..." i told myself every hour, on the hour, for months, "... they'd get what they fucking deserve." the helplessness swallowed me whole some days. other days, my obsession with the pain i wished to inflict on my transgressor was insatiable. doing nothing is the best thing. i'm sooo glad so-and-so is out of my life. they'll get what's coming to them someday. these phrases were bandaids. but i kept repeating them. until i had the realization. so-and-so wants to throw bullshit at me... and i can let them. i'm moving forward. they're standing still, trying to aim for my back. then, it gets lighter.

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entry #1 and after lots of therapy, i've had to accept that i attract shitty people. i don't feel bitter. i truly love people. getting to know someone is a pleasure. i enjoy caring. but i don't understand why people, in general, betray. and i definitely don't understand why the people in my life betrayed me. the professionals and the woo-woo gurus all say that the bad friends are 'self-sabotaging' or 'complete narcissists' or somewhere in between. and maybe that's also true. but those explanations don't satisfy my curiosity. it doesn't feel good to betray, to hurt, to lie even a little bit - at least for me. did these people enjoy doing it to me? do shitty people truly feel good when they hurt others?