envylikes2talk

[envylikes2talk]

my mother says i’m my own worst enemy

i fuel the fiery pit of rage——against myself.

i am the villain.

[envylikes2talk]

imagine a life with no childhood friends////

what kind of life am i living?

[envylikes2talk]

memories

do you ever think about what mark you’ll leave on the world?

i’d like to think i’ll leave some memories for people that mattered

a memory of a silly joke i made on the street

a memory of a thoughtful act i committed for a friend

a memory of a gift i had given

or a quote i spoke.

i don’t want to be remembered for my unhappiness

of all the sad things i said

i know i was filled with sadness up until the end

maybe you didn’t notice but i’d hope you had ignore it.

deep down i know i was temporary

but i hope the memories are forever.

[envylikes2talk]

efforts wasted; sorry

im sorry to have wasted your time,

precious time

wasted on trying to make me feel better

i’m sorry no matter what you say

it won’t change my mind

it’s almost offensive; selfish

the way i make people spend their time and waste their effort to tell me i’m lovely

to tell me i’m worth it

to tell me i’m wonderful

but i deny it of course, everything they say is wrong im afraid

there’s no point in wasting your energy

wasting your time

no matter what they say it doesn’t change anything

you’re wasting your time for nothing

putting in effort to something

someone

who will never change

so i’m sorry to have wasted your time

because there are better things to worry about

more important things to worry about

than me

[envylikes2talk]

i’m okay

i think

i’ll be okay

i hope

[envylikes2talk]

loudest in the room without saying a word

[envylikes2talk]

why are you apologizing?

i apologize for my lack of awareness. i should pay attention to myself less.

self-less.

i care too much about others and if they care about me but i don’t care about myself.

i can’t help but think i said something wrong. or did something wrong.

the silence after i say something makes me think i should be

sorry.

[envylikes2talk]

silly, silly girl

i feel silly. but not in a fun way

silly like i just told a joke but i ruined the punchline

i am the joke

the joke of the conversation as nothing interesting ever comes out of my mouth

sometimes silly little thoughts just slip out that make no sense

i feel stupid

i don’t think i am stupid, intellectually, only in nature

every time i say something wrong or stumble over my words i lose respect for myself

bit by bit

i should just stop talking

keep my mouth shut so i don’t look like a fool.

[envylikes2talk]

sometimes i think i have too many issues

too many that no person could ever handle. too many that no one could love.

people say i’m my own worst enemy, but how could i not be when everything about me is dreadful?

sometimes i wish i could just tell myself to shut the fuck up.

there’s too many thoughts in my head. my thoughts are constantly racing. it’s too loud i think to myself. too loud like a crowd of people at a party. a party that you want to leave but you can’t because your friends are having too good of a time and you don’t want to ruin their fun.

but you can’t leave your mind, you can’t escape it. there’s rarely ever a moment of tranquility and even when there is it’s temporary; unfulfilling.

everything is temporary.

“pain is temporary,” they like to say.

but it leaves a mark,

a sore that refuses to heal.

[envylikes2talk]

i don’t know what to do anymore.

my therapist tells me that i need to focus on things that make me happy.

but what do i do if i don’t know what makes me happy?

i don’t have many hobbies or interests. i don’t really have a lot of things that i like to do. nothing specific comes to mind.

i just need something to do. something to take my mind off everything. something that takes all these thoughts and runs away with them.