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Goodbye 2024!

And good riddance Pluto in Capricorn!

I haven't blogged about my life in a while. July 2022 to be exact.

Time flew by but in that moment time couldn't have gone by any slower.

Pluto has finally left Capricorn after 16 FUCKING YEARS! 2008 is when this transit started. I was 16 years old, a sophomore wanting nothing more than to grow up so I could move out & be independent.

High school wasn't that fun for me nor did I enjoy going to school. To be honest, I would skip school often & fuck around. If I could go back in time to a specific time in my life it definitely would be my high school years. I would love to go back just so I could apply myself more in my studies & get better grades, actually give it a shot to make it to college on a scholarship or something.

I know my parents would've wanted me to go to college, shit, I would've loved the experience if it meant not living at home anymore.

However, because of how my parents are/were, whatever, I didn't feel like I could go & have them "figure it out" on how to get me there. So I opted out. I couldn't even make up my mind on what I wanted to major in. My first option was The Art Institute, I really wanted to tap into Fashion Retail & Marketing. Then I thought I wanted to study clinical psychology at UNT. I kept going back and forth because my concern was "how are my parents going to afford this?". And yes, I could've worked & paid my way through college, but my parents limited me so much that I honestly didn't know where to start or how I would keep going, for that matter. I remember turning 15 & one of my friends got a job at the local supermarket, so I applied to. I figured this would be a great opportunity for me to earn money & help out & just be a little independent. Sadly, on my first day my father went & pulled me out. I was so embarrassed.

What else happened during those years?

Oh yeah! My first love/heartbreak. I think it started my sophomore year? I remember being in biology or something, I was at my seat & these two guys kept fucking with me, & I remember one threw a piece of gum wrapper & the rest is history. Well not really, turns out his friend liked me & I thought he was cute too, but the thought of having a boyfriend was unrealistic for me due to my parents being so overbearing & most definitely not allowing that. However, I was open to having one & just seeing them in school. That's exactly what happened. Once he started wanting to see me outside of school I knew it was time to wrap it up. Fortunately, I didn't have to say much, I just stopped talking to him one day (I know, I know). Soon enough me and the other guy started hitting it off. The 1st guy was a Sagittarius, great kisser by the way, but he was also a bit shorter than me. The other guy was a Leo, he was tall, I don't know why it's so hard for me to remember whether or not I made out with this individual. But I most definitely had to because I was down so bad. So as you can see, me & my fellow fire signs get along just fine. Anyway, turns out that I later found out that this guy has a girlfriend who lives 3 hours away! Like, be so fucking for real. Unfortunately, I was too deep in the situation y'all. That was my first love. The first love is so bitter sweet. Because they awaken these feelings in you that you'd never experienced before, and bitter because of the pain & sadness that comes after. I remember even crying to my mother at the mall once because of how unbearable the pain felt. I remember praying to God all the time for him to take those feelings away. I remember on one of the last days of school, which I think was my junior year, I got home & balled my eyes out onto my pillow. I was so sad.

Now thinking back, that was my first crash-out. Wow.

I remember skipping school to go to these hang outs & day drink (smh) or smoke (smh) and sometimes make out with people. I can't believe I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Truly sad how the relationship you have with your mother/father affects every other relationship in your life.

My senior year I didn't even finish at my high school, I left & went next door & finished in March. I still walked with my class in June.

After high school, I met my 1st boyfriend in 2011. We met online, through Facebook mutual friends, (how romantic, right?) I was 19 when I decided to move out & go live with him. (I think I've always been a "for the plot" girly, clearly). I would be moving in with him, his mother, and his pregnant sister. I was just happy I would have my own space away from my parents/ I neglected my siblings a lot tho. That's one of my regrets. I went from spending every single day with them, and in a way helping raise them, to then only seeing them once, twice, MAYBE three times a month. Truth is, I neglected my family a lot during that whole relationship which lasted almost 8 YEARS.

That relationship brought a lot of things to the surface that only after it was over was I able to really dig deep & dissect certain feelings/emotions & behaviors on my part.

After 3 years, my partner wanted to split. I knew I didn't want to. Possibly out of fear of living alone. So I begged that we stick together and work on our relationship. For the longest time I thought this guy was my guy. That this was my happily ever after (my 1st boyfriend, smh). Which no tea, no shade, it happens. People marry their high school sweetheart. But I always felt like I was meant to have different experiences and relationships.

I also thought that I would turn 18, move out & move in with my bestie & for my 21st birthday spend it in Vegas, and yet...

So when this relationship happened I was happy, I was excited. I love love. I'm a hopeless romantic, unfortunately. I'm a hard-core lover-girl.

I thought I would marry this person, have kids with this person the whole 9 yards.

I think he agreed to stick around because he was comfortable & probably didn't want to go back & live with his family. So out of comfort he stayed & I felt like we would work on ourselves & our relationship. However, that wasn't the case. I always say this because this is how I felt & feel, I felt like the last 5 years of that relationship were a scam. I felt used in some ways, like we were just roommates who would occasionally fuck. I remember going to bed crying often, hiding in the bathroom crying, praying to God to not let me be pregnant etc. I didn't know how to walk away even though I was super unhappy.

Until finally, God said: nah, we're not doing this any longer.

And then my 27th birthday happened. Yikes. That was crazy, I don't even remember the events of the night but I know it was bad. I was ashamed for a while, I felt such a sadness because of the people involved who I'd lost indefinitely. I was in shock at how someone who I'd known for YEARS and who I trusted, really didn't give a fuck about me. That was a tough pill to swallow. After that I started living on my own. In a way I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I no longer had to think about anyone but myself, and it turned out that I love living alone! It turned out that I COULD live alone, I was making it on my own. 2019 turned out to be a great year, not gonna lie. I went through so much growth that year.

Anyways, I'll get into the rest of that year later, I'm going to bed!

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Mi vida. Legit, ahorita. En este preciso momento lol.

Como es posible q las cosas pasan como pasan y nosotros debemos d seguir como si nada?! Ósea, si se puede pero no jodan!

“Growing pains” lo llamo esta persona con la cual platicaba. Y si, GROWING PAINS!!!!! I know I’ll be fine after this passes. It’s just the going through it that I find annoying lol. I prefer to learn the lesson but not feel it. I hate having to deal with emotions/feelings. I hate having to “let it out” by crying bc im an ugly cryer lmao.

“Everything happens for a reason”. “Everything happens how it’s supposed to”. Things I’ve always told others & myself. And I guess I should repeat that to myself now. Again. And im sure I’ll continue to repeat it to myself throughout my life. As long as I continue to do so, right? *shrugs*

I just pray to God that he continues to grant me the wisdom and clarity he always has. To continue to allow me to notice when things need a change. To always allow me to go with the flow of change and not resist it.

Id love to be more in tune with my intuition. Also practice discernment. It’s crazy bc there was a tweet early last year that mentioned how it was the year to learn discernment. I’ll get into that later, maybe. But yea, and now look at us (me, myself & I)??

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5/5/2015 "Warriors' Stephen Curry wins 2014-15 Kia NBA Most Valuable Player Award"

"I talked about faith, passion, obviously the drive, with the guys that I've been around & the guys that surround me every single day, but a part of that is having the will to succeed. Knowing that you put the work in & have the confidence to let it show. What I tell people is just be the best version of yourself at anything that you do. You don't have to live anybody else's story. Sometimes people make it seem like you have to have certain prerequisites or a crazy life story in order to be successful in this world but the truth is, you really don't. It doesn't matter where you come from, what you have or don't have, what you lack, what you have too much of, but all you need to have is faith in God, an undying passion for what you do, or what you choose to do in this life & a relentless drive & the will to do whatever it takes to be successful in whatever you put your mind to. Make sure you live in the moment & work your butt off every single day & I hope I inspire people all around the world to just be themselves, be humble, & be grateful for all the blessings in your life, & I am truly honored to be your MVP this year, thank-you very much."

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4/29/2015 #PrayForTheWorld

"We must rapidly begin the shift from a "thing-oriented" society to a "person-oriented" society. When machines & computers, profit motives & property rights are considered more important than people, the giant triplets of racism, materialism, and militarism are incapable of being conquered."

Martin Luther King Jr.

"We must come to see that the end we seek is a society at peace with itself, a society that can live with its conscience."

Martin Luther King Jr.

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4/8/2015 April Showers. Figuratively & Literally.

So my goal here was to post something every day/night & that didn't quite happen.

*Sigh I will embrace the fact that I post, period. Not often, but when I do it means something to me.

Even if no one KNOWS about my blog or KNOWS but doesn't care to read. Its therapeutic to me. I also have a journal. I have 3. Actually, I just jot down whatever is on my mind at THAT moment or when I feel like I HAVE TO, on anything that is either a notebook or has a keyboard. So pretty much any journal I own, the laptop, & my handy dandy iPhone 6 Plus. (I didn't think I'd like the "iPhone" but I gotta say it's growing on me.)

So anyways, I'm back & I feel like a lot has happened since I was last on here (which was months ago because I suck at TRYING to post at LEAST every night). For starters, I don't think I've ever been in the position that I am in right now. I feel like I just really acted upon how I was feeling the best way possible. (I will not reveal what I am going through, I am only expressing my feelings about the situation since I am IN the situation right now lol). I will say this, I cant stress the "focus on the present moment" thing ENOUGH. That's honestly how I am dealing with whats going on right now lol. Going with the flow, focusing on whats happening RIGHT NOW. Not at 9:55 pm, or tomorrow morning at 7:17 am, or next month!

I am currently trying to finish Weeds, *WARNING* *SPOILER ALERT*, I'm watching Season 6 or 7, & the audience finds out that Silas is NOT Judah's son! So anyways, Andy asks Nancy what is she to do when little Stevie (Baby Botwin) asks about his father, & Nancy says something like: "Oh I'll worry about it when I get there!". At 1st I thought "you're a bitch". But then I thought "that makes sense, maybe not for something as huge as waiting till your kid is 18-21 to tell him "Hey! That guy that passed away a few years ago isn't your real dad "lol"".

There's a few current events in my life that for some reason I'm not stressing over.

Typically with any situation that could be "negative" I immediately make it worse by THINKING THE WORST & just stressing over it.

This morning I almost brewed a negative thought but I just simply brushed it off & thought: "I'm not at that point yet, plus WHEN & IF that happens, I'll deal with it then. Right now I am focusing on this."

I read this quote once & I thought I understood it then, but I understand it now:

"This is what enlightenment is all about- a deep understanding that there is no problem. Then, with no problem to solve, what will you do? Immediately you start living. You will eat, you will sleep, you will love, you will work, you will have a chit-chat," Osho.

There is not problem.

My present is what affects my future.

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1/19/2015 “December 10th, 1964 MLK Jr. Acceptance Speech at Nobel Prize Ceremony”

"Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness, Mr. President, excellencies, ladies and gentlemen: I accept the Nobel Prize for Peace at a moment when twenty-two million Negroes of the United States are engaged in a creative battle to end the long night of racial injustice. I accept this award on behalf of a civil rights movement which is moving with determination and a majestic scorn for risk and danger to establish a reign of freedom and a rule of justice.

I am mindful that only yesterday in Birmingham, Alabama, our children, crying out for brotherhood, were answered with fire hoses, snarling dogs, and even death. I am mindful that only yesterday in Philadelphia, Mississippi, young people seeking to secure the right to vote were brutalized and murdered. I am mindful that debilitating and grinding poverty afflicts my people and chains them to the lowest rung of the economic ladder.

Therefore, I must ask why this prize is awarded to a movement which is beleaguered and committed to unrelenting struggle, and to a movement which has not yet won the very peace and brotherhood which is the essence of the Nobel Prize. After contemplation, I conclude that this award, which I receive on behalf of that movement, is a profound recognition that nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time: the need for man to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to violence and oppression.

Civilization and violence are antithetical concepts. Negroes of the United States, following the people of India, have demonstrated that nonviolence is not sterile passivity, but a powerful moral force which makes for social transformation. Sooner or later, all the peoples of the world will have to discover a way to live together in peace, and thereby transform this pending cosmic elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. If this is to be achieved, man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.

The torturous road which has led from Montgomery, Alabama, to Oslo bears witness to this truth, and this is a road over which millions of Negroes are traveling to find a new sense of dignity. This same road has opened for all Americans a new era of progress and hope. It has led to a new civil rights bill, and it will, I am convinced, be widened and lengthened into a superhighway of justice as Negro and white men in increasing numbers create alliances to overcome their common problems.

I accept this award today with an abiding faith in America and an audacious faith in the future of mankind. I refuse to accept despair as the final response to the ambiguities of history.

I refuse to accept the idea that the "is-ness" of man's present nature makes him morally incapable of reaching up for the eternal "ought-ness" that forever confronts him.

I refuse to accept the idea that man is mere flotsam and jetsam in the river of life, unable to influence the unfolding events which surround him.

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality.

I refuse to accept the cynical notion that nation after nation must spiral down a militaristic stairway into the hell of nuclear annihilation.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.

I believe that even amid today's mortar bursts and whining bullets, there is still hope for a brighter tomorrow.

I believe that wounded justice, lying prostrate on the blood-flowing streets of our nations, can be lifted from this dust of shame to reign supreme among the children of men.

I have the audacity to believe that peoples everywhere can have three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for their minds, and dignity, equality, and freedom for their spirits.

I believe that what self-centered men have torn down, men other-centered can build up.

I still believe that one day mankind will bow before the altars of God and be crowned triumphant over war and bloodshed and nonviolent redemptive goodwill proclaimed the rule of the land. And the lion and the lamb shall lie down together, and every man shall sit under his own vine and fig tree, and none shall be afraid.

I still believe that we shall overcome.

This faith can give us courage to face the uncertainties of the future. It will give our tired feet new strength as we continue our forward stride toward the city of freedom. When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnight's, we will know that we are living in the creative turmoil of a genuine civilization struggling to be born.

Today I come to Oslo as a trustee, inspired and with renewed dedication to humanity. I accept this prize on behalf of all men who love peace and brotherhood. I say I come as a trustee, for in the depths of my heart I am aware that this prize is much more than an honor to me personally. Every time I take a flight I am always mindful of the many people who make a successful journey possible, the known pilots and the unknown ground crew. You honor the dedicated pilots of our struggle, who have sat at the controls as the freedom movement soared into orbit. You honor, once again, Chief Lutuli of South Africa, whose struggles with and for his people are still met with the most brutal expression of man's inhumanity to man. You honor the ground crew, without whose labor and sacrifice the jet flights to freedom could never have left the earth. Most of these people will never make the headlines, and their names will never appear in Who's Who. Yet, when years have rolled past and when the blazing light of truth is focused on this marvelous age in which we live, men and women will know and children will be taught that we have a finer land, a better people, a more noble civilization because these humble children of God were willing to suffer for righteousness' sake.

I think Alfred Nobel would know what I mean when I say I accept this award in the spirit of a curator of some precious heirloom which he holds in trust for its true owners: all those to whom truth is beauty, and beauty, truth, and in whose eyes the beauty of genuine brotherhood and peace is more precious than diamonds or silver or gold. Thank you. [applause]"

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1/3/2015 “I love new years. I love the fact that I'll be leaving a whole year behind me, no matter if it was good, bad, or average. I like that kind of closure. I love this feeling of starting over again & having a fresh year ahead of me, filled with new chances, new experiences.”

2014, 365 days gone, just like that!

I was starting to feel a bit unaccomplished because it seemed like 2014 was just like any other year.

"When good things happen, that's wonderful. When bad things happen, it can also be wonderful if we seek how we can grow from it." - Karen Berg

But then I thought back at all the opportunities in disguise I was able to spot!

It wasn't the reality check I would've wanted, but I don't regret it. I'm proud of myself for how I've dealt with things. For being able to take the bad & turn it into an O P P O R T U N I T Y.

There is so much I've come to realize & discover in such short period of time!

So much that is beneficial to my own personal development! I can't wait for the things to come in 2015! I've never felt this good about a new year. All I want in 2015 is to be more aware of the present moment. To not over think, over analyze, stress, just let things flow!

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12/24/2014 Xmas Eve.

Tomorrow will be my 22nd Xmas & what I want most can't be bought.

I've Never been a material person but I think this Xmas has to be the only Xmas where as an adult I actually want something. But instead of focusing on what I want, I am going to focus on what I do have.

Family

Blessed to say that I have both a mom & dad, alive & together, that love me as much as I love them. Siblings, because life would be boring without them. A brother 5 years younger than me & I feel like it was just yesterday he was following me around being annoying & I pushed him & he hit his nose with the end of the bed & started bleeding & I rushed him to the bathroom to clean him up & told him to stop crying because WE were going to get in trouble lol. I've never felt worse & to this day I still apologize for that cunt move. I have a sister 8 years younger than me that I don't hate anymore, because when she was born I was such a bitch. I just did not like the idea of her lol. But I'm glad I have her in my life, especially now because at 14 I wish I had an older sister, old enough to be able to talk about stuff & old enough to where we each in some way relate to one another. I love her and I hope I am someone she looks up to. Last but not least, I have a younger brother. 11 years younger than me but he will always be 4 in my eyes. Every time I had him with me people would be like "Aw he's so cute! How old is he?" & I'd say 4. I think I kept saying 4 up until he was like 9 or 10, he noticed & looked at me with a confused smile & said "No I'm not" lol.

Friends

Very Few of them, but blessed to have them. From making me laugh, to giving advice (because even tho I give great advice, I just can't seem to take my own), & to just being there, you guys are the best & nothing you do goes unnoticed. I am not the best at showing my appreciation/love but when I do, its sincere & comes right from the bottom of my heart. I love you all.

Life

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; We are spiritual beings having a human experience."

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

So I am not going to ruin MY Xmas by being a grumpy cat. I am entitled to, but I choose not to.

Merry Xmas! :)

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12/20/2014 Hmm...

"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time & space."

-Interstellar

Perceiving - 1. become aware or conscious of (something); come to realize or understand.

2. interpret or look on (someone or something) in a particular way; regard as.

Transcends - 1. be or go beyond the range or limits of (something abstract, typically a conceptual field or division).

surpass (a person or an achievement).

what if Love is a powerful force?

what if Love also exist on the same plane as science?

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12/17/2014 Late Wednesday Night

"I'm simply saying that there is a way to be sane. I'm saying that you can get rid of all this insanity created by the past in you. Just by being a simple witness of your thought processes.

It is simply sitting silently, witnessing the thoughts, passing before you. Just witnessing, not interfering not even judging, because the moment you judge you have lost the pure witness. The moment you say “this is good, this is bad,” you have already jumped onto the thought process.

It takes a little time to create a gap between the witness and the mind. Once the gap is there, you are in for a great surprise, that you are not the mind, that you are the witness, a watcher.

And this process of watching is the very alchemy of real religion. Because as you become more and more deeply rooted in witnessing, thoughts start disappearing. You are, but the mind is utterly empty.

That’s the moment of enlightenment. That is the moment that you become for the first time an unconditioned, sane, really free human being."

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12/15/2014 Monday Morning

This is awkward. I don't know where to start.

Let's see, I've recently started up a journal again! Very proud of that!

*pats myself on the back*

During the past 4 - 5 months that's been the best thing I could have done! Its been in every way like talking to God, because I feel like he's there as I'm just writing away. Helps me clear my head, helps me stop & think as to what I am about to say, think even, because we all get those tiny itty bitty negative thoughts that want to come out & play, like Francis says: "I put an end to that sorta thinking before it even begins." (that's from House of Cards by the way). Anyways, so it's helped me a lot in practicing not just my writing but getting really in touch with myself. My being. Not losing focus on what's important in life. Love. Unconditional love. Because we're all human. Our paths sufferings/blessings are all different from one another. Its about loving yourself. Loving yourself so much that you're happy with yourself, with what you have & don't have. You're so happy that you're more compassionate, more forgiving, more understanding, you're more patient (at least try to be...really hard). Instead of letting something upset you, you try to relax & think will this matter next week? In a month? In a year? You try to be more aware of the human beings which you deal with day to day. You don't know what they're going through or what they've been through, nor what they'll go through. You just really try to treat people how YOU want to be treated.