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so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, before she said babs, what the fuck. i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i'm assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would've used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.

big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.

anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.

im pregnant, said my mouth.

great job, mouth, said my brain.

mmmmm onion, said my mouth.

better you than me, said my wife.

then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.

(but that might just be the onion.)

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Okay so I'm a security guard, right

And part of why I like my job is cause I'm pretty good at deescalating conflicts without violence or police involvement

And that *might* be because my primary coping mechanism for stress is humor, and if the guy in the uniform isn't stressed out, usually nobody else is either

But anyhow today I witnessed a crime, which 911 had already been called for

And I'm telling the guy, you know, as he's running away, that nobody's gonna touch him, we don't do that here, I don't have any weapons and he can totally walk on out if he wants to

And he gives me this 'go-fuck-yourself" type answer, right? As you do

And I fucking

I fucking. Start danCING

I DONT KNOW WHY

I WAS JUST LIKE "aight guess I'll go fuck myself then, cheerio" AND START FUCKING DANCING

LIKE MY BRAIN WAS LIKE "Cool not being attacked, gotta keep the witnessed calm, gotta stay chill and breezy" AND THE PHYSICAL RESPONSE FOR THAT WAS TO SYART DOING THIS SASSY FUCKING JIG

I DIDNT EVEN REALIZR I WAS FDOUNG IT UNTIL SOMEONE POIU TED IT OUT AFTER

and it all ended fine and the dude is in custody and I get a call from my boss like "Yeah we're gonna need to send footage to police"

AND

FUCKING

THIS IS GOING TO BE SHOWN IN COURT SOMEWHERE

IM DOUNG A SRUPID LITTLE DANCE ON CAMERA AS THIS GUY LOSES HIS MIND AND ITS GONNA BE ON COURT SOMEWHERW

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST FUCKING THING IVE WVER DONE

I HATE MYSELFD

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People who have eaten deathcap mushrooms and survived have said that they're delicious.

Deadly nightshade berries are sweet. Most modern poisonings result from people (especially children) eating them because they're sweet.

Lead compounds often taste sweet, too. That's why children eating flakes of lead-based paint is a very real risk.

So...yes, unfortunately.

okay so like I’m not a fancy science man but I know the reason a lot of poison things taste bad to us is because the ability to recognize when something is poisonous and NOT want to eat it is an evolutionary advantage, but do you think that means that the most poisonous toxic deadly fastest-acting shit in the universe is secretly delicious. Like if it was something that you could never eat twice, only once, and would never accidentally recognize as food.

If there was a substance that killed any living thing within moments of being in your mouth do you think it could taste delicious

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Why does this frog look like it was just noticed by senpai?

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hope this explains it

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People are like “these animals have exoskeletons and these ones have endoskeletons” but no. It’s all exoskeletons, your exoskeleton is protecting your bone marrow which is where your soul (which is you) is. The rest of the stuff is extraneous decoration that Big Pharma wants you to think is important/

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I keep fish and sometimes breed them (free fish hack). At the moment I have some beautiful fellows that are getting up there in age, so it's time to create more.

I separate all of my fish by their gendies as soon as you can possibly tell them apart to keep the population of my tanks where I want it, and to prevent inbreeding (and all of the complications that stem from that). These lads have effectively never seen a girl.

When I added the female to continue their legacy, they didn't know what to do. So they did what any respectable man might do in that confusing situation: ignored her and continued having sex with each other.

So preoccupied with one another are they that I'm honestly not sure if they will ever include her in any way that matters. Their bloodline ends with gay sex, and tbh, I kinda love that for them.

The g in lgbtq stands for guppy. 🌈

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source: nottheworstmom on IG

Yeah, these would do numbers at the ren faire. I'm giggling about how her boobs come in like the nose of the star destroyer in A New Hope

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One of those situations where, 'you're turning into your father' is the furthest thing from a insult possible.

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little guy cannot stand his own hiccups