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[espyingoracle]

Have you ever looked at something and (not to be a negative Nancy but) wanted to break everything in front you?? Like legit, smash everything like a tiger woods meets mike Tyson in a beat down. Just me?? I guess I have a anger management issue. Where I fixate on a certain thing and no matter what tries to alleviate it I just can’t get past it. ::sigh:: I guess it just happens when you’re being told to keep quiet and stop being a nuisance.

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Seems like a very familiar theme... 🤔

[espyingoracle]

S.A.D. pt2

This year, 2018 I managed to drop a lot of the weight. I have been consistent with my workouts and have overall been in a better mood. But this winter, it has been slowly affecting me. I think it’s because I have been soo busy with work and Christmas shopping. Lord knows I have been busting my ass to make sure everyone has a the right gift, it’s in onetime and wrapped. Then with my mom coming down to visit for the weekend, I had to make sure the apartment was set, cleaned and in order. Along with food ready to cook for the weekend and meals planned out accordingly for her stay.

She left Christmas morning, which is always sad for me. Yeah, I’m a momma’s boy, so what! But then my partner and I drove up to meet with a friend and his family for the day and eat Christmas dinner with them.

I was looking forward to seeing our friend but then BAM! IT HIT ME… SAD kicked in, at first I thought I was just tired because I haven’t been sleeping well and with the running around and mother visiting, blah blah blah. Well, we were all there having good time but my partner was hanging out with our friend and his family, they’re all smokers. So I was hanging inside with the rest of the people which was a very weird combination of people. I tried to make it entertaining (like a good gay) and make jokes, etc. But I felt so alone. How could I be in a house full of people that wanted my partner and I there, they gave us Christmas gifts which we were not expecting what so ever! They engaged us in conversation, we laughed and exchanged stories but I felt so alone.

So here we are, another winter and I thought maybe this might be the year that it was going to be mild. BUT NO! Towards the end of the evening, I went upstairs to the bedroom where our stuff was and just laid on the bed, I didn’t want to be around people, I didn’t feel like talking and honestly I WAS REALLY TIRED. My partner came up and said he wanted to go, GREAT! So do I! I just wanted to sleep and not talk with anyone. The first part of the drive, I just slept and would’ve continued sleeping if I was comfortable. The second half of the drive, I just sat there in silence and was just replaying the day and trying to figure out what caused my mood to drop. Then I realized, well this is it. It’s here… yay.

This morning, I decided google ways to alleviate SAD feelings, a bunch of sites said light therapy, exercising and writing out your feelings. They also said SSRIs… but clearly that didn’t help me last year. So I’m going to order a light box and try this whole writing my thoughts and feelings. I’m going to try and update regularly. Let’s see if this helps.

[espyingoracle]

S.A.D.

Well it looks like Winter is upon us… and with that comes S.A.D. (for those that don’t know, it stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder). I’ve had it since I can remember and even my mother would point out when I was kid how my grades would drop in winter. This was very difficult when I went to college because you only get two semesters for the year and it’s hard to maintain a good GPA when the first half of your grade for the year are significantly lower that second set of grades. I was lucky to have made friends that were also from out of state and help keep my mood up.

This became really hard once I was done with my Masters, since the circle of friends change and you’re in the real world working to make ends meet. Living in NYC, even though it’s packed full of people, it can feel very lonely. I just chalked it up to being in the north east and the days are shorter than in the south and only having a small circle of friends. Whatever, right?

- Let me preface the next portion by saying I have no interest in ending my life or harming myself in any way. SAD makes me not care about anything, I don’t want to talk to people, I barely even want to leave my house but I kind of have to for work… You know, to pay the bills and have food to eat. :/

I moved to Dallas with my now fiancé 3 years ago and it’s only gotten worse in the winter. Last year, I tried antidepressants… First it was Zoloft, it worked for 2 weeks and then I felt my mood get even worse. I legit did not care about anything. I had ZERO sex drive and gained 20 lbs in a month. Next month, I followed up with my doctor and switched to Prozac since it had an energy boost along with the SSRIs. Well, just like the Zoloft, it worked for two weeks. I felt the energy boost and my mood lift. Then after the 2 weeks, my mood plunged even deeper and I gained another 20 lbs.

With all this weight gain, I wish I could say it was because I was eating my feelings or was having amazing food but I wasn’t. I barely want to eat when SAD hits.

So here I was 2 months later, feeling SUPER depressed, 40 lbs heavier with no sex drive. YIPPIE FUCKING SKIPPY! How could one not be feeling great about themselves?!

My partner has been by my side through a lot, he held my hand everyday when I was hospitalized for a month straight because of health reasons. But when it came to my depression, I know he tries to be accommodating but he doesn’t get it. There are times I just don’t want to talk, I wish he would just be a physical being there for support versus trying to figure it out. I’ve been dealing with this for as long as I can remember. There is not much to talk about, it is what it is. I’ve had my little man, Barkley for 9 years now (he’s a dog, not a kid) and there are times I feel like he gets it better than anyone else. When my mood drops, he looks up at me and just sits next to me with his head on my leg. I pet him and I feel alright. Sometimes you just need affection but not in an aggressive or overt way. Barkley doesn’t bark and since he’s an older dog, he just wants to lay there too. It’s perfect.

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New Direction

I think I’m going to start utilizing this blog as a place to post things that I feel I can’t talk about. A place to vent, laugh, etc.

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Stay healthy!

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Facts!

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Get it right!

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Just saying...

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Words to remember

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Made this a while ago and never uploaded it

[espyingoracle]

When you’ve had a stressful week and it’s ONLY TUESDAY!