eternally-embarassed-blog

[eternally-embarassed-blog]

My birthday presents were the three beech handled carving knives (thanks Mora <3) cant wait to start carving some spoons again later this week, the weather has been great and i hope it stays that way! yay hobbies c:

Not pictured is my Ro’s Argan Oil body conditioner from Lush haha, I got too excited for it and started using it already, and it’s not really suitable for photos anymore haha. 

[eternally-embarassed-blog]

Episode 1

It’s my birthday! I’m twenty now. A quarter of a century, as I’ve been proudly saying. Most people have been asking me how it feels to be twenty five, and it feels good! I never thought I would live this long, to be honest.

When I was a kid I was, in a way, content where life was- especially during my high school years. Life was good, my parents were starting to be nice to me, and I was actually starting to have experiences that kids my age were having. I still did some pretty stupid shit, but I knew what I was doing wasn’t smart, but for the first time life was pretty awesome for me.

The thing is, I was really scared of the future (Ironic I know- every 16 year old worries about the future) but I was worried because after a lifetime of abuse up until recent history, my parents were making up for lost time of my childhood, and that was absolutely wonderful, but I didn’t exactly have enough time to make up for an entire childhood lost, and prepare for adulthood.

Adulthood scared me more than anything (Still does, and I’m just now getting to the point where I feel like my wife and I are hovering between stable and semi-stable) and I wasn’t getting the knowledge I needed from my parents that I desperately needed to succeed.

Now, 7 years after graduating high school (holy hell is that a story in and of itself) I find myself a much more mature, grown and successful person than I ever imagined I could be. I guess the true feeling of being twenty five is incredibly empowering. All week I’ve felt like the universe has been giving me an opportunity to set myself on the right course, and I’ve been trying my hardest to beat back the anxiety and do what I can to put myself on that path.

Unfortunately, I’ve been stricken with a truly terrible sinus infection for the last seven days and It’s made it incredibly hard to do anything, much less put myself on the success train. Maybe I just smoke too much, or maybe the sinus infection is also a sign from the universe. A metaphor if you will, for a few things.

Exactly a month prior to the first symptoms of my current sinus infection, I had recovered from a similar, though less severe sinus infection. After getting this horribly sick I decided that maybe it was really time to take a serious look at my physical health, instead of obsessing over my mental.

I looked back and tracked my last few colds and sinus infections and found there was actually a pattern correlating between my stress levels at work, and the time between my illnesses. It started about 8 months ago, so for the last 8 months I’ve been living with a chronic sinus infection that’s been getting worse and worse as my stress levels fluctuate so rapidly.

This comes straight off the heals of two solid weeks of moderate dieting and extremely consistent exercise. I had honestly thought that I was starting to become addicted to exercise and I was actually starting to get comments from my co workers. It kills me that I might be losing any potential progress, but I definetly think this is a wake up call, and I need to look deeper into my health before excessive exercise.

The second lesson I believe I am suppose to take away from this misery week, is to start one small step at a time. Going into this week I had grandiose plans of redoing my resume and immediately beginning the job search, and the week would culminate in my birthday! A fine plan, if I say so myself, but as soon as I woke up the first morning I realized I was far in over my head. Not only was a drastically under prepared, but I was also far more sick than I had initially realized. For the first three days of this week I couldn’t do much but moan and groan and try to read as much as I could and sleep as much as I could. The pressure in my head was un believable and indescribable. After a couple more days I was able to look at a computer screen, and decided that if I couldn’t make progress with my exercise, I would try to make progress in other ways before my inevitable return to work.

After being inspired by my wife’s success and social media, I decided to take the plunge and fight my own anxieties along with her, and start the social media outlets I’d always dreamed of having for myself! It really helps knowing that my wife’s moderate success has actually given her a support network, and her growth means that we need to get things to improve her content quality- things that I myself will have access to and be helping with. I get to learn, have quality content too! Yay!

I’ve finally over the last year and a half or so acquired the various things I need to start dipping my toes into the hobbies I’m interested in, and it’s incredibly exciting. It was truly exhilarating for me to take the time to create a quality edit, and capture a moment as perfectly as I could. Doing things this way is allowing me to go through life with a completely different point of view, and I’m seeing things in a way I never imagined.

Today after getting a wild hair up my ass, my girlfriend and I spent a few hours cleaning, organizing and rearranging our room/office space and putting it together in such a way that it works perfectly for both of us to help each other create content! I feel so proud of us for working together so seamlessly, and I even took apart an old ratty couch I’d promised her a year ago (yikes) that I would take apart and throw away.

I’d been putting that off for literally a year, and I couldn’t explain the lazy anxiety that gripped me, but it was so freeing to just do that and know that when all was said and done, there would be more room, and I would finally be more comfortable. I would finally have a desk to sit at, and we would finally have a table to eat dinner at. No more eating dinner in bed! No more constant crumbs making my ass cheeks itch!

It’s awful! We have so many irritate bumps on our asses and legs and hips from damn food crumbs, and I’m just so sick of it! We had such a beautiful dinner together after we put the finishing touches on our desk set up. It felt so good to be successful with her again, for the first time in far too long.

I also just feel so abundantly creative after accomplishing that, and I can’t wait to actually start putting my content together! I’m moderately frustrated (mostly because I’m sick) but the internet is acting up and I wanted to spend the last hour or so getting some photos from my phone onto the computer so I could start setting up some web pages- instead I’m here!

Which arguably is a good thing, I’ve had fun writing this. Even if no one reads it, or after a time if I can a following and someone becomes curious enough to track this down and read it, I had fun writing with it and talking to no one, even if that no one felt like an old comforting friend.

It’s time to go take a shower and wash off all the dirt and gunk and stuff that accumulated all over me during this whole process. I’m thrilled that I was able to get so many of my thoughts down in a single sitting, and that they are so cohesive. Either that or I’m just too high to realize I’m rambling needlessly hehe.

I’m gonna go take a shower and then keep putting my ‘battle station’ together. It’s making my heart sing with joy, honestly.