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153K
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Had he not soothed my emotional wounds, I wouldn’t even care
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You’re in his dms, I’m stomping on his balls.
We are not the same.
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All the things I didn’t understand are understood
But the body cannot be talked to
The body cannot be reasoned with
My body is blind and deaf
My bodies been beaten and
My body’s been used and
She doesn’t know
That I’ve learned something new
She can’t be talked to
She has to to feel her way out
But she can’t even feel what she doesn’t see
In the dark
She has to feel
But feeling comes so few in between
And when it does feel
It’s like feeling everything
All at once, and then it just stops
Always confused of whether it’s been felt or not
Now we can feel and I touch her hand
So she understands, yes
This is real
And I can help her this time
It’s no longer the blind leading the blind
Because I was kept in the dark to
But I went and found us a light
And in time your pretty brown eyes
Will come back
The pain in you chest will relax
It won’t feel like the anxiety attack
Of being close to someone
Wondering if their feelings flow back
The poem is done
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The past few days have been worse than usual. I feel this empty and hollow feeling inside. I keep thinking of things that I don’t want to and specific memories. It’s getting bad again
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These days....
I'm such an angry person these days. I kinda hate it, and sort of love it. Hating "close" friends who seemed as if they've turned their back on me. Shut them out, took some time alone. To figure out...me. Trying to recreate me... Or maybe transform into the me that I've always wanted to be. I'll be honest I want to hurt them. Not physically, but mentally. Isn't that awful? I'm disgusted with myself. I can't believe I could feel this way. But I suppose this is obviously my fault. It always is. Always something I'm doing wrong. I guess that's what I'll figure out eventually.
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I shouldn't be here....
This was a mistake. I'm practically invisible. I have nothing to say. Its obvious now that I don't belong here. The pieces of the puzzle don't fit like they used to. Nobody cares anymore. I'm exactly where I started seven years ago. What's the point in trying anymore?
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You..
If only you could see what you’ve done to me.. How much pain you’ve cause me.
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I hate....
I hate sleeping alone I hate people who know how great they are, and then forces everyone else to know it too I hate cutting I hate not being able to take emotional pain so I turn to cutting I hate that my friends make me feel worthless I hate being confused about my feelings I hate not knowing how I feel about him I hate wanting him I hate how hard it is where it comes to him Lately I hate her I hate how it's like she talks down to me I hate how it's like I'm the child who doesn't understand the world I hate breathing I hate this life I just hate everything
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A Break...?
If I wasn't here you wouldn't care. You say that's a lie but now I'm testing you. And already you're failing. You've all left me behind like I don't even matter. Prove me wrong if I'm wrong, but that's just what it feels like. It feels like I'm your jester, your entertainment, not to be taken seriously. You all say I have everything, but it's nothing I really want. You all have love, and I have none. You all will claim you "love" me, but lately I find that hard to believe. If you loved me you wouldn't force me to beg for your friendship. If you loved me you all wouldn't make me feel less than you. I feel like that annoying younger sister with you guys, just "tagging along", and not really wanted. I hate it so much that you guys don't understand me. You don't get it when I say I really have no one there for me. I don't. I have no one to listen to me, and actually help me. I don't have anyone to at least ease my pain. None of you help at all. I'm not allowed to say "I want to kill myself anymore." If I do you'll all hate me, if I do I'm the insensitive bitch. But its the truth, I do. As long as I'm trapped here I do. I wake up to nothing, live for no one. I'm I one straw from suicide. Just one. Because of you I'm forced to hide what I feel all the time. Prove me wrong if I'm wrong, but this is how it feels. You all tell me I shouldn't feel alone because I have you guys. More so now I had you guys. But you can't give me what I need. I need affection. I need to be wanted, body and soul. I am so untouched, it's actually painful. It's like being in a room with no floor, ceiling, or walls. Just air. It's so cold but there isn't a jacket to cover you. And it only gets colder and colder against your bare skin. When I'm with you guys I don't feel wanted, nor needed. I feel so guilty for feeling this way, but it's like I don't have real friends anymore. I feel like the person that takes up space. And it's the exact way I felt before I met you guys. I really thought when I met you all that I would never have to feel that way again. I suppose I was wrong. I don't feel like I belong. So maybe I just need a break. Just to see if you care enough to notice I'm gone. Prove me wrong if I'm wrong, but that's just the way I feel.
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The Glass Wall
There’s y’all and there’s me Together but separated A barrier between us A glass wall
This wall is thick Impossible to break through Indestructible This glass wall
You see me, I see you You smile at me and I smile back I don’t know if they know That there’s a glass wall
They laugh and I laugh along Trying to pretend like There’s nothing there too But I know that there’s a glass wall
On my side of the wall… It’s okay but, it’s not what I want It’s just, not Let’s just go ahead and say It fucking sucks on this side of the glass wall
I miss those days before the wall Before the silent separation The air was clear A nonexistent glass wall
I’ve noticed I don’t belong On your side of the wall I’ve drifted away from our Happiness before the glass wall
I hate your side of the wall I hate watching your happiness Which I no longer know of On your side of the glass wall
So fuck trying to break through When it’s obvious that We no longer share the same blissful world I belong now, to the cold and emptiness Of my side of our glass wall
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Predictable vs. Mystery
He temporarily satisfies me, but you’re what I need. I can have him in a split second, but you are a chase. He’s fast food, and you’re a home cooked meal. He’s a quickie with regret, but you make love with forever memories. I know everything about him, and nothing about you. I’m not scared of him, but fear you. I don’t know how long you’d hold me, but I know he’d never give me up. He uses me and I use him back, but with you it seems all real. He’s predictable, and you give me excitement with your spontaneous gestures. It’s funny how he’s abused me, took the one thing I tried to value away from me and I still go back. The only difference is I’m aware of it. And with you, you are nothing but kind to me. You have the opportunity to hurt and humiliate me but you don’t. Yet I hide and cower away from you. Between both of you, the choice is obvious. Its just that I guess it’s easier with him, because I know he can’t hurt me again. I’m in control. With you it’s a mystery. I’m blind when it comes to you, and that terrifies me. You hold fresh heartbreak in your hands.
I need to know what you’re thinking. Part of me says to hesitate and stick with what works, and the other part says plunge into the unknown because there’s my hope and feeling that its worth it. Because when I choose Predictable I always regret it. And with Mystery there’s a chance I won’t, yet still a chance I will. But shouldn’t I choose the small chance of having happiness rather than, never getting it at all without being hurt? I’m tired of choosing Predictable, I want to get over my fears and dive into Mystery. But still, I have to get over fear.
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