euphoriaandpain

[euphoriaandpain]

marie howe, in an interview with krista tippett of on being

[euphoriaandpain]

Actually today I woke up and watched the sunrise on the beach and all of the dead jellyfish littered the shore and I saw an estranged family member for the first time in 10 years and remembered my childhood and then I watched a massive thunderstorm roll down the island from a 3rd floor balcony and let the rain pour on me and then I saw a frog struggling to get out of the pool so I saved him and then I looked into his eyes and had some weird reaction from the perceived karma of saving something and then I swam in the warm water while it rained and then I took a bath and smiled thinking “what if you don’t have to protect anyone anymore” and then I voraciously ripped open this new journal I’ve kept wrapped in my backpack for like half a year now which was weirdly the same color as this relative’s shoes and of the jellyfish I saw and wrote one of those entries where you can barely read your own handwriting but you just need to get it out there and now I feel. Clean

[euphoriaandpain]

A map of affections, source unknown

[euphoriaandpain]

Cannot wait to read your book, your writing has always sung to and inspired me

my father told me he read it, but he hasn't read it. that's okay. my friends keep picking the words out of my throat.

someone once told me that the more trigger warnings that go on a book, the better it is. i didn't mean to write something with so many conditional phrases - i was writing about what i felt while being a human. sometimes you are a person and sometimes you are a statistic. sometimes it is falling upwards and sometimes it's sliding back down again.

my father tells me that it will be difficult to get people to read it. i didn't like the idea of a singular genre. i'm not going to lie to you - it is actually a difficult book to get through. i change the rules in it. it's not poetry or prose explicitly. it's neither false nor reality. i give you the tools to "solve" the book, but i let you do the thinking. my father says people don't care to think. i don't know about that - i think we just, like, enjoy reading.

the thing is - i was tired of stories about survival where someone with depression goes to therapy and wakes up okay. i didn't live like that. i was tired of books about violence, where the gore of what i experience was splashed in glitter to lick off the page. like, i was a person, you know? i had a life and a job and a family. and in books, i watched my story get ripped up so people could explore the viscera of my body. so they could feel good. my brother once called it inspiration pornography. we had walked out of a suicide-prevention seminar, both of us disgusted while the increasingly-elated presenter kept listing methods-of. i remember the look on my brother's face. like i would tear that man apart given the right time and place.

my father says that kids these days. he warns me against writing about things that are too-serious. he says that they don't want it. i don't listen. he does make me take out a scene from the book where i go to church after having sex with a woman. it used to be the 7th scene in the book. i don't think he's read further than that, it rocked him too hard to continue.

it's a book about being queer. it's a book about being raised catholic. it doesn't have monsterfucking, i'm sorry. it's just about, like.

at some point you have to choose to stay here. and then you do have to stay here, which takes practice. this is about forming the habit. this is about what happens after you've already started doing the work. because, like. you keep going. you have to. and it's like. very imperfect.

i should make a post on instagram. i should make this announcement less bittersweet. but like -- i'm giving it you, specifically, because i think you know why i had to write it. you and me. this little community.

body's a bad monster. here's the link if you're interested in ordering.

[euphoriaandpain]

I am sick with missing you

I heard Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” in a Goodwill today and it hit different

When I searched for the lyrics, autocorrect insisted “I Will Survive” and (though it’s true)

Right now, my heart aches with missing you

[euphoriaandpain]

You guys rlly don't realise how much knowledge is still not committed to the internet. I find books all the time with stuff that is impossible to find through a search engine- most people do not put their magnum opus research online for free and the more niche a skill is the less likely you are to have people who will leak those books online. (Nevermind all the books written prior to the internet that have knowledge that is not considered "relevant" enough to digitise).

Whenever people say that we r growing up with all the world's knowledge at our fingertips...it's not necessarily true. Is the amount of knowledge online potentially infinite? Yes. Is it all knowledge? No. You will be surprised at the niche things you can discover at a local archive or library.

[euphoriaandpain]

Mary Oliver, "From The Book of Time." Devotions

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Ellen Bass, “The Thing Is”

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from Autobiography of Red by Anne Carson (1998)

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Leila Chatti, “Tea”

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so I’m looking at short story publishers (fantasy)

Tor, cream of the crop. 25 cents a word. Stories can be read for free (YES). Slowish response time at ~3 months. Prefer under 12k, absolute maximum is 17.5k. Don’t bother if it’s not highly professional quality. SFWA qualifying.

Crossed Genres. 6 cents a word. Different theme each month (this month’s is “failure”). Submissions must combine either sci-fi or fantasy with the theme. Response time 1 month. 1k-6k, no exceptions. SFWA qualifying.

Long Hidden, anthology from CG. 6 cents a word. 2k-8k, no exceptions. Must take place before 1935. Protagonist(s) must be under 18 and marginalized in their time and place. Must be sci-fi/fantasy/horror. Deadline 30 April. Response by 1 October.

Queers Destroy Science Fiction. Sci-fi only right now, author must identify as queer (gay, lesbian, bi, ace, pan, trans, genderfluid, etc, just not cishet). 7.5k max. Deadline 15 February. Responses by 1 March. You can submit one flash fiction and one short story at the same time. (My network blocks the Lightspeed site for some reason, so I can’t get all the submission details. >_>) Probably SFWA qualifying?

Women in Practical Armor. 6 cents a word. 2k-5k. Must be about 1) a female warrior who 2) is already empowered and 3) wears sensible armour. Deadline 1 April. Response within three months.

Fiction Vortex. $10 per story, with $20 and $30 for editor’s and readers’ choice stories (hoping to improve). Speculative fiction only. Imaginative but non-florid stories. 7.5k maximum, preference for 5k and under. (I kind of want to support them on general principle.)

Urban Fantasy Magazine. 6 cents a word. 8k max, under 4k preferred. Must be urban fantasy (aka, the modern world, doesn’t need to be a literal city). 

Nightmare. 6 cents a word. 1.5-7.5k, preference for under 5k. Horror and dark fantasy. Response time up to two weeks. SFWA and HWA qualifying.

Apex Magazine. 6 cents a word. 7.5k max, no exceptions. Dark sci-fi/fantasy/horror. SFWA qualifying.

Asimov’s Science Fiction. 8-10 cents a word. 20k max, 1k minimum. Sci-fi; borderline fantasy is ok, but not S&S. Prefer character focused. Response time 5 weeks; query at 3 months. SFWA qualifying, ofc.

Buzzy Mag. 10 cents a word. 10k max. Should be acceptable for anyone 15+. Response time 6-8 weeks. SFWA qualifying.

Strange Horizons. 8 cents a word. Speculative fiction. 10k max, prefers under 5k. Response time 40 days. Particularly interested in diverse perspectives, nuanced approahces to political issues, and hypertexts. SFWA qualifying. 

Fantasy and Science Fiction. 7-12 cents a word. Speculative fiction, preference for character focus, would like more science-fiction or humour. 25k maximum. Prefers Courier. Response time 15 days.

Scigentasy. 3 cents a word. .5-5k. Science-fiction and fantasy, progressive/feminist emphasis. Fantastic Stories of the Imagination. 15 cents a word. 3k maximum. Any sci-fi/fantasy, they like a literary bent. (psst, steinbecks!) They also like to see both traditional and experimental approaches. Response time two weeks. 

Beneath Ceaseless Skies. 6 cents a word. 10k maximum. Fantasy in secondary worlds only (it can be Earth, but drastically different—alternate history or whatever). Character focus, prefer styles that are lush yet clear, limited first or third person narration. Response time usually 2-4 weeks, can be 5-7 weeks. SFWA qualifying.

Clarkesworld. 10 cents a word up to 4000, 7 afterwards. 1-8k, preferred is 4k. Science-fiction and fantasy. Needs to be well-written and convenient to read on-screen. Appreciates rigour. No talking cats. Response time 2 days. SFWA qualifying.

Orson Scott Card’s Intergalactic Medicine Show. 6 cents a word. Any length. Science-fiction and fantasy (along with fantastic horror). Good world-building and characterization. Clear straightforward prose. Response time three months. Yes, OSC is editor-in-chief. SFWA qualifying.

Interzone. Sub-pro rates if anything (but highly respected). 10k max. Short cover letter. Science-fiction and fantasy.

[euphoriaandpain]

we diagnose you with a creeping sense of alienation forever. incurable

[euphoriaandpain]

i’m sleepy, so deprived of rest, one, of many, problems is this: my dreams recall incarnations of you memories i forgot i remembered places once mine infected by your presence as i stay up later each night i distract myself the only way i can i write

is sleep too much to ask? (via euphoriaandpain)

[euphoriaandpain]

there is a boy in my head who holds me close, whispers sweet spells "you're beautiful" and "i love you" and i feel safe. i wonder if i will ever meet him

i am in love with the idea of being in love (via @euphoriaandpain)

[euphoriaandpain]

“When you were born they put you in a little box and slapped a label on it. But if we begin to notice these categories no longer fit us, maybe it’ll mean that we’ve finally arrived—just unpacking the boxes, making ourselves at home.”

From The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. Chapter 2 begins now.

[euphoriaandpain]

To heal a wound you need to stop touching it.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[euphoriaandpain]

Losing friends It's like sunset It's all beautiful until it goes dark and you couldn't stop the sun from sinking behind the horizon It's like swimming in the ocean You don't feel the tide pushing you away until suddenly you can't see your spot on the beach and you feel lost It's telling yourself you're wrong Convincing yourself you're just overthinking That it doesn't matter That it's no big deal Stop making a mountain out of a molehill A mountain out of a nonexistent invite A mountain out of being an outsider in your own group Stop making a broken friendship out of an unanswered text A weekend alone But it's a feeling too familiar to ignore It's the spiral of overthinking Of almost crying In public places At lunch Alone It's feeling like you have no friends But knowing that's a lie It's holding it all in because "They don't like to fight" You don't want to start problems Not again Don't be annoying, don't overthink, on repeat in your head So you stand still Watch them leave Help them pack Wave goodbye Smile because you know it would hurt them If they saw you cry

euphoriaandpain