every--thingoes

[every--thingoes]

I can't believe it's my birthday next month. It's the first birthday I'm looking forward to since 2020, which is crazy to me. I can't believe I let anxiety & ocd control my life for so long. Now I'm sitting here planning a bday trip.

[every--thingoes]

Honey brown eyes

Imprinted in my mind,

like a Polaroid—

slowly fading with time.

But the trace lingers,

like a ghost,

wandering without purpose.

When will it end?

Oh, honey brown eyes.

-T.S

[every--thingoes]

“Do you ever do this, you think back on all the times you’ve had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?”

— 500 Days of Summer

[every--thingoes]

2/13/25

Ok im officially over the staff guy. No more wasting my thoughts on him. 🙃

Anyway, I have a Valentine's date on Friday with Ren Faire guy. Gonna try to convince him to go to the phoneboy concert with me, but idk if he'll be down since only resale tickets are available

[every--thingoes]

Everything makes me think of him 🙃

[every--thingoes]

1/10/25

It's been three months, and somehow, I’m still thinking about him. I’ve met someone new, but on nights like these, my mind drifts back to the past. I wonder...does he think about me as much as I think about him? Did I leave a lasting impression too?

They say time heals, and maybe that’s true, but I still find myself replaying memories, dissecting every moment, and trying to make sense of it all. What exactly was our connection? No matter how much responsibility I take for what happened, I can’t ignore that he played a role too. There were certain things he did, certain actions, that made our situation feel different. I wasn’t the only one who thought that.

I wish we could talk about everything, lay it all out, but deep down, I know that’s not what I truly want. What I want is simpler. I just want him in my life. As a friend, as an acquaintance—it doesn’t matter. For the first time in a long time, I felt heard and seen. There was no judgment, and he was always so sweet to me. That’s why it hurt so much when things changed. It felt like I lost the one person who made things easier-the one person who was really there for me.

Even after our talk, when things went back to normal, it was already too late. I often think about our last conversation and how happy and free I felt. I wish I could’ve been like that throughout treatment, but maybe that’s a sign of how much I grew. By the last day, I felt completely transformed—a new person—and I know he saw that.

I feel a little pathetic admitting how much I miss this connection. I tried to let it go, but then he came back. And that’s what still confuses me. Why come back? I just wish I knew what he really thinks about me, what he really wants from this. I gave him an opportunity to walk away if he felt pity or obligation toward me, but he didn’t. He came back.

So maybe, just maybe, I did leave a lasting impression too.

[every--thingoes]

Sometimes I hate how impulsive I can be, but maybe it was for the best—I don't have to keep waiting for acknowledgment now. Still, I miss the interaction...

[every--thingoes]

12/18/24

Long overdue update. I met someone, and I'm falling head over heels for him 🫠 we met last month, but I didn't really wanna share because I was scared of jinxing myself but all is well.

Short storytime- I met him at the Ren Faire hehe 😅 can you believe I almost talked myself out from going?! Well anyways I dressed up and went. Of course, there was nervous because it's a festival with so many people, and dressing up just brings more attention to yourself. But surprisingly I felt comfortable. So many people kept coming up to me and chatting and I just felt so pretty and confident (:

anyway as I was sitting eating my funnel cake for some odd reason I got this burst of confidence and complimented this guy passing me. Then he did the cutest role-playing interaction and I instantly knew I wanted to know more about him. We chatted as we were watching people trying to dunk a wentch in the water lol then we eventually exchanged info and that was it. We started talking more regularly and we've been out on a few dates so far. Everything is going well and im very happy (:

[every--thingoes]

Nov 28, 2024

I did it. I finally came to a family event, and it was so hard as expected. I just didn't expect my body to start shaking like it did lol. I feel like that's a step in the right direction cause right now I'm sitting outside listening to music cause I felt super overwhelmed. Hopefully, Christmas and new years will be easier

[every--thingoes]

Nov 16, 2024

I’m done. I’m done chasing, done wondering, just done.

A week ago, I was in a place where I was ready to let go. I’d been going over everything in my head, trying to convince myself to move on. Then, on Saturday, I got a text from my friend saying he was asking about me. Not just that—he was playing a song on the guitar that I really like. When she asked him about it, he admitted that he kind of associates the song with me.

When he first added Soft Spot to our shared playlist, I assumed he did it because he knew I liked it and wanted to fill the silence—to make me not feel abandoned, maybe? But learning that he was actually playing the song at the facility pulled me back in. It made me feel like maybe he does care about me, that maybe he does want some kind of connection. He even followed me on Spotify.

But at this point, I’m just tired. Tired of chasing him. Tired of being the one to try. I wish he would make his intentions clear—what does he want from me? Does he want to be friends? Does he want me in his life at all? I’m mentally exhausted. If he does want me in his life but feels like he can’t message me because of the rules (even though he’s bent them for me multiple times), I wish he’d add a song to our playlist that expresses how he feels. I’d reach out if that’s the only way it could work. Or, if he needs space, I’d give it to him. I just wish he would be more direct.

The last few songs I added to the playlist kind of express how I feel. I hope he got the message. Two days ago, I even added a song that really lays it all out there—how I feel about him. But he hasn’t added anything in response. Maybe he didn’t see it. Maybe he did and just doesn’t know how to react. Either way, I deleted the song. If he saw it, great. If he didn’t, oh well. The other three songs are still there, and if he wants to reach out, then great. But if not, I guess that’s it.

I won’t lie—it hurts. Writing this hurts. As dramatic as it sounds, it’s painful because I want him in my life. Whether it’s just a friendship or occasional online conversations, I’m okay with that. I like him as a person, and I guess that’s why I’ve been holding on so tightly. I’ve been trying so hard to find a way to keep the connection going because I can feel it fading.

But I think it’s time to leave it to fate. If we’re meant to be in each other’s lives, it’ll happen. If not, he has my letter. He knows how grateful I was for him.

I guess I’m just sad because this feels like walking away. If he doesn’t put in any effort, we probably won’t interact again. And that thought hurts more than anything.

[every--thingoes]

I wish I could understand the pull this man has on me. It’s been over a month since I last saw him, and yet he’s still on my mind. I’ve started talking to other guys, but they just don’t captivate me like he does. Sure, they flirt with me and give me attention, and that’s nice, but it doesn’t really go deeper than that. My interest fades almost immediately.

All I can think about right now is reaching out to him in some way, though I know I shouldn’t. He added a song to our playlist, so technically it’s my turn—but part of me wants to wait and see if he’ll add another. I just want to feel like he cares, even a little—as if the songs he’s adding hold some meaning for him, not just for me.

Pathetic, I know…

[every--thingoes]

Fuck I made the biggest mistake. I went out and drank a little bit too much and ended up messaging the staff guy 😭 I tried to unsend the message but it's not letting me. I wanna dig myself in a hole

[every--thingoes]

TW: OCD/

I'm having such a hard time today 😭

I really need to clean my room because my mom is threatening to come check. If it’s not clean, she’ll do it herself, which is causing me an immense amount of stress right now because of my contamination fears. So far, I’ve cleaned about two-thirds of my room, and it went fine, but my problem now is with the left side. I feel like it’s the most contaminated since it’s where my door is. Even though I take extra precautions before entering, it still feels contaminated. I wish I could get rid of these thoughts because I know they don’t make sense.

I hate admitting that I’m still taking precautions and doing compulsions when I’m not supposed to. I was officially discharged from the mental health program two weeks ago, and I should know better, but it’s hard. Instead of focusing on the task at hand, I’m stressing about doing laundry, which just adds more anxiety.

Anyway, I know I need to practice self-compassion. Some wins are that I haven’t been wiping items down or washing my hands after picking up every single thing. So maybe I am doing better than I thought—I just get so discouraged on the hard days. Is anyone else currently struggling too?

[every--thingoes]

[every--thingoes]

[every--thingoes]

I know I said I wouldn't talk about it, but just thinking about this specific situation infuriates me, so yes ima vent about it.

So , *you* in case you're reading this. Since I told you I had a blog, I just want to say I think it's shitty of you to practically ignore me. You've always been so sweet and attentive towards me, but this last time, you were so cold and distant. It's like I didn't recognize you. I don't understand why you would switch up out of nowhere when you've been so consistent with certain things for the past 2½ months already...

& by the off chance you wanted to distance yourself because you felt like the lines were getting blurred I would understand but I wish you would have taken a different approach, especially since you know exactly how I feel towards you as a staff member. You know how you're one of the only people i feel comfortable going to for support treatment wise, yet you decided to switch up and leave me feeling like i did something wrong. But the kicker is that even you are being a bit of psycho by still giving me mixed signals. If you want to cut contact or create distance, then what you ended up doing was crazy. You know I have access to that account, and you still added the song to it. That just proved that you're still checking up on my playlist. It's like you wanted me to know you saw the song I added. Maybe I'm just being crazy and you just simply liked the song, but I think it's weird that you're still checking the playlist despite wanting to put distance between us. If you truly wanted to cut ties, you would not be going back to the playlist. Anyways it's currently 2am, and I'm sobbing while talking in circles, so ima end it here... but you're really driving me insane.

[every--thingoes]

Update time~

I got discharged from residential 2 weeks ago, and now I'm doing PHP. The transition was rough, but I'm getting the hang of things again. I think the most challenging part for me is not going back to old habits. I'm slowly adapting to my old life again, but part of me really misses residential. There's just something nice about having rules, routine, and staff available 24/7. I know I can try to recreate it here at home, but it's just hard to keep myself accountable.

I found out that I'm being fully discharged this month, so I'm lowkey panicking, but another part of me feels relieved. I hate to say this, but the whole drama thing with the staff member has really affected my mental health and treatment... so I'm just ready to get out of there. I hate that I got so wrapped up in that because it's all I can think about. I really want to share more about him and my experience since I know most people will say it's been one-sided (I don't fully agree) but I think its best for me to wait until I'm fully discharged just in case. I really hate him right now because he completely switched up on me and is acting psycho. Very hot n cold.

Anyway, I'm just going to try to focus on my treatment and getting the most out of this last month. I'm also job searching like crazy 😮‍💨