everydayofmystruggle - Tumblr blog

[everydayofmystruggle]

Updated

That;s me all up to date with my posts- everything I previously wrote in my diary is uploaded, so everything from here onwards will be updated as it happens. I hope it is good progress when I next post.

<3

[everydayofmystruggle]

25th March 2023

Today, in a bit i'm going for a Carvery with my cousin. All morning today, and all day yesterday I have been worrying about it and how I can eat as little as possible. I have gone between planning to just fill up on veg, to eating snacks now to not be hungry there. But that failed when they made me feel too full and so I purged them out.

Yesterday I was also stressing for ages after I ate a cookie a girl at work had made. I managed to resist eating one for ages, but finally gave in after I was sat there next to the tub of them for an hour. It wa snice but so not worth it. I was sat in the work toilets for ages considering purging them. I ultimately decided not to, after reasoning that my gag reflex had been wavering and I wanted it fully recovered for today.

I hate how much of my life is consumed with thoughts of food. I wish I just didn't want to eat all the time. It's so hard being so damn scared to eat but also craving food.

I am also still so fat. I know i'm not actually fat, but considering it's been three months and i'm still weighing around 61kg, I still have a long way to go. My stomach is still flabby. My arms I want thinner, and my thighs. Gotta keep it up. I'm also weirdly excited for the first time I see a 59kg on my scales.

Later that day-

I am full. I can't seem to get past this PM binge on cereal bars. I don't know how to control it. Today i've eaten loads. But I will get back on it tomorrow.

I managed the carvery earlier ok- was still way too much food, but I filled my plate with a lot of vegetables, and not too much other crap. I went to the bathroom straight after and managed to purge some of it up. I tried again after a bit of time but someone came into the bathroom so I had to stop. Once home I sat for a good 20 minutes and got as much of it up as I could. It was only coming up in small amounts so took a while.

My gag reflex and throat are in a bad way at the moment. I just tried to purge again about 20 minutes ago to no avail. I'm about to try again now, but but after that I think I need to give it a good few days to recover. In that time I'm just gunna go back to restricting. I just binned my chocolate to stop me from eating it some other time.

Just tried to purge again and got barely anything up. My throat feels awful. I had to either use three fingers, or stick my fingers so far down my throat, and I don't like it. It feels awful when I push them far back. I need to wean off the purging.

I can't get the feeling of my fingers right in the back of my throat out my head. I just keep thinking about how it feels and it's awful.

<3

[everydayofmystruggle]

23rd March 2023

Been repeating the same cycle. Can manage a day or two max before I purge again. It has become an addiction where I almost crave a purge. It's been without bingeing most of the time- at most it will be after a few too many cereal bars. But I purge, a lot. Like once I do it once in a day, I do it multiple more times. Food is so often on my mind too, which I hate.

Recently, I've been feeling very bloated/ gassy, and this afternoon I had this along with some kind of stomach cramps. Yesterday I had them at work and they were pretty bad. I guess it's to do with my eating. Every day i'm counting calories. I'm subconciously aiming for 1,000 calories, but tend to go slightly over. But i'm also purging my dinner most days, as well as walking lots at work. I hope i'm still losing weight. Hovering at just above 61kg currently.

Later on-

The more I think about it, the worse I realise it is. Today for lunch, I ate a pack of runner beans, with some of my soup as a sauce and a cheese slice. And I purged it. The whole thing would have been like 150 calories, and yet I purged it. No matter how low cal, I purge, If I feel even slightly full after a meal, I purge. I hate feeling like I have to purge, but I'm too weak to try and stop. And i'm still too focused on losing weight to really stop. I guess I worry any effort to stop will just mean not losing weight.

I enjoy my cereal bars most, so I guess I should focus on avoiding other food in order to eat them. FML i'm messed up.

<3

[everydayofmystruggle]

18th March 2023

I must be mad; i've literally been googling the calories in tomatoes and cucumbers ffs. It's so surreal, how I am fully aware how bad this all is but yet continue to do it all. I can't even really explain it. It's like i've glorified it. I find myself wishing for pure anorexia; for being uber thin, while also planning in my head how to hide it from people.

I am so scared of food and of eating, and yet I still love food, have cravings, and just want to eat for the sake of eating. I just want to be thin. That's where I am still at, and so have no plans of stopping.

I just stuck up some sticky notes around my kitchen to try and remind myself to not eat. Hope it helps. It's definitely mind over matter- i'm not even hungry but I will still eat.

<3

[everydayofmystruggle]

17th March 2023

Today's been another bad day.

Been OK the past week, but today i've slipped. I've purged three times already today. Not even after real binges, just a few too many cereal bars. I also C/S a load of biscuits. Yikes. I'm thinking to order in dinner to C/S then purge. I don't even know why. It's not even really a craving. I think it's because i've already failed today in my eyes so I might as well go full on. Urgh.

Food's on it's way. Ordered from Prezzo. I just weighed myself. 61.6kg. After, i'll purge until i'm still at 61.6kg.

So I did exactly that-C/S most of it then purged too. Been a very bad day for eating/ snacking/ purgin, but it's done now. Tomorrow i'll be good.

My stomach feels quite unsettled now. I can't tell if it's because i've eaten too much. not enough, or it's just the poor eating styles in gneral messing with it. I hate that all I think about is food, even when I feel this way.

<3

[everydayofmystruggle]

13th March 2023

Urgh.

Yesterday was the first day in a while that I didn't purge. Today I have. It's so weird. It felt like I was missing out on something by not doing it. I gues this is how it becomes a compulsion.

Today I intentionally bought a big chocolate cake to C/S. I wasn't even really craving it, but I still C/S a load of it earlier, and have thrown the rest out.

Not purging now feels wrong, like I should be doing it, like I am eating too many calories if I don't do it. I still feel fat. It's been two and a half months and I am still a long way off how I want to look. It's hard to feel as if I am actually losing weight or not. I hope I am. But I still want to eat a lot too. I need to work on this.

<3

[everydayofmystruggle]

9th March 2023

I'm writing every single day at the moment, which seems a little OTT, but I guess if it helps then screw it.

Purging has now become an addiction. I just spent five minutes purging my lunch of not even that much, only to then bleach the toilet, and then spend another five minutes with my head down a freshly bleached toilet bowl. Definitely breathed in bleach fumes. I only even did it because so often after I eat now I feel sick in my stomach. Even now I can feel it again. What is this?

I need to start mitigating. Try to eat slowly to not feel sick. And start swapping fingers if I do purge, as I'm starting to feel my right fingers bumping against my teeth.

I have like 5/10 minutes until my friend gets here, and i'm thinking to go and purge again cause my stomach still feels unsettled.

God, I have no willpower whatsoever.

<3

[everydayofmystruggle]

8th March 2023

This is getting ridiculous.

I've just eaten lunch- less than 1/2 a can of tomato soup, 1/2 a pack of sweet chilli chicken, and a Kind Thin bar. I drank a fair amount of water too. Tell me why I now feel so ridiculously full, and there's a nagging voice in my head telling me to go purge it all out and i'll feel better. FML. This isn't even a meal, let alone worthy of a purge. Is this just the mindset i'm in now? Or is this my body actually starting to show issues?

After some meals, I have felt nausea where I never used to. I guess this may be a correlation? I don't really know. Going to go and do a food shop to distract myself.

15:02-

My friend is coming over soon. He's already mentioned about getting food or baking. All i'm doing is worrying about it and how I can avoid eating, or how I can purge after. Fuuuuucckkkk. Seeing him tomorrow as well so will have the same problem.

22:32-

It was ok. I manabged to refrain from eating all day while we were out. I was very tempted in Both Greggs' and Cafe Nero, but didn't eat. I had a few snacks when I got home, then we baked a cake so I ate a bit of chocolate and icing. It didnt take much for me to feel sick, so I actually didn't eat too much, but as soon as he left I went and threw up as much of it as I could. Don't think I got much up, but I feel less sick now.

It's so bad that I was waiting for him to leave so I could go and purge. How is it always at the front of my mind.

<3

[everydayofmystruggle]

7th March 2023

Today's not been great either.

My willpower is pretty much non-existent. Can't be bothered to write much, but basically got home, ate my usual soup dinner, wanted McDonald's so got one and C/S the whole thing, McFlurry included, over the toilet. Then purged after. The only thing that came up was a little ice cream and soup.

There wa literally no reason for me to purge. Even as I write this, i'm considering going upstairs and doing it again so I can eat a Belvita.

And I did it again. I need to sort this out.

<3

[everydayofmystruggle]

6th March 2023

Day two of writing this diary and i'm already writing another entry. Shows how great it's going.

Not the most eventful day, but it was decided this PM some of us from work were going for dinner. My immediate thoughts were on what I could eat that would be the lowest calorie, or how I could get away with not eating at all.

I ended up getting chicken bites, which I spent a long while deciding on after checking the menu. The whole time, my brain was just going over if I should purge them, if I should go to McDonald's andn binge, or if I should go to McDonald's and C/S. I was actually sat there imaqgining how I could use the food bag in my lunch box to spit food into while driving home. Yikes.

Once home I was just going to have Belvita, but ended up munching on random snacks while making tomorrow's lunch. I didn't even really eat all that much, but I still decided I was going to purge, and so ate some more then purged. Ended up doing it three times.

Why am I purgin after the smallest of 'binges'. Pathetic. It's become too easy to do.

I'm going to try and be stronger in terms of bingeing. We'll see how it goes.

<3

[everydayofmystruggle]

5th March 2023

Thought i'd actually start documenting everything related to my food habits. I have some stuff I have written since it started. Maybe one day i'll add them here. Maybe not.

My relationship with eating and food is currently at the worst it has ever been. Writing it all out is a kind of therapy for me. Maybe it will actually help me, or even someone else someday. I do hope so.

I'm such a private person, maybe too much so sometimes. The thought of anyone finding out that I am struggling so much is my worse fear. I don't really know why I'm so emotionally inept, and so fear letting anyone see my feelings. That's a whole other therapy topic for another day. Now onto my eating.

I don't like the phrase 'Eating Disorder'; I can't imagine anybody does. But if I'm being totally honest with myself, in the past month, my poor relationship with food has definitely developed into one. It seems to be a mixture of many; either that or I just haven't settled into one or another yet.

For as long as I can remember, i've wanted to lose weight. Honestly, years. At least a decade, maybe longer. I've always been average- never truly overweight, but big enough to never be considered thin, or to be comfortable in my own skin. I've always had flab and fat, body parts i've wanted to change. I've gone through many diets through the years- the classic cutting foods, restricting, exercising lots etc. They've never really worked. And by this I mean I have never stuck to any of them long enough to notice a difference.

This is where my relationship with food comes in- I love it. Or, well, I did. I feel that because I have always enjoyed food, my periods of dieting/ restricting just crash and burn with a binge when I realise I can't resist for long. I don't think I ever had BED per se, but it definitely seemed like an abnormal, not so good way of eating.

This cycle has gone on for years- with myself never really being able to resist a binge, never strong enough to not give in to urges or cravings.

In the past, I had thought about all this, but not really enough. I have always been aware of EDs- I'm aware that the type of person I am means I research anything and everything. Bulimia for example, I had considered, if that's the best way to phrase it. I'm pretty sure there were a couple of times in the past I had given a half-hearted attempt to purge, but never bothered to actually do it.

Until last year, I had almost a phobia of throwing up.I hated it. Even the thought of it gave me such anxiety. Hah. To think where I am at now compared to even a year ago is insane.

So, past attempts at puring after a binge were always half-assed as I could never actually bring myself to throw up, and just felt gross. This all changed this year while I was away abroad. I can't pinpoint exactly when or how it happened, but something in me changed.

I spent a chunk of time travelling abroad, and I absolutely loved it and want to go back. I spent Christmas and the New Year with new friends, and was eating without thinking about any of it. We were eating big full meals, I was going out my way to eat ice cream, or extra slices of pizza for lunch. Just generally having a good time and enjoying my food. Sometime after that it must have clicked that I needed to lose a bit of weight, and should probably start watching what I was eating a bit more. I think a big part of it was knowing a friend from home was meeting me out there in a few weeks, and I didn't want to be fat with her.

I remember consciously chosing to not get ice cream a couple times, and trying to not each big lunches. As soon as I was back to travelling alone again, I started to eat less. I'd eat cup-a-soups, Granny Smith Apples, Ritz Crackers and cheese slices. These became my staple travelling foods. After eating like this for just a couple of weeks, I noticed that I was actually losing a bit of weight. This gave me a massive confidence boost, as well as motivation to keep going.

I stayed eating this way up until I met up with my friend, and we spent three days on an island with all our meals prepared for us. Already here after just a few weeks, I was worrying about eating. I remember thinking about the food situation the whole time.

Afterwards, I was planning to get straight back to my cup-a-soup diet. The turning point came when I spent one night at a hotel airport before travelling to another area. I had no time to shop for food and so ordered a Pizza Hut. I think even when ordering I was already starting to consider trying to purge afterwards, but wasn't 100% convinced i'd be able to. But after eating it all- a pizza and bolognese pasta bake, and feeling the post-binge cringe, I said to myself I would sit by that toilet for as long as it took to get it back up. And that was exactly what I did. It was gruelling; it took absolutely ages, it made me sweat, cry and cough a ridiculous amount. But it was the first time i had ever been able to make myself throw up, and it felt like an acheivement.

It was like a switch had been flicked. A new possibilty had been unlocked. I now knew I had the ability to get rid of a load of food after eating. Now, I'm not foolish, not completely anyway. I knew this was a dangerous game to play, and knew I should set some ground rules to myself there and then. I told myself this was to be a last resort option, for when eating a lot was unavoidable. But even while thinking this, I was also mentally planning how I could practice and get faster and quieter. I was treating purging like a new skill to be improved upon.

It's silly. I know how dangerous making yourself throw up is, both short and long-term. But instead of trying to stop, I found myself googling mitigation methods. How to lessen tooth damage from stomach acid, and what foods are the easiest to get back up. Yikes.

Anyway. After that first night, I went back to my Ritz and cup-a-soup diet again for the next few weeks. The next time I purged again was completely intentional. I was craving a McDonald's burger, and so rationalised in my head that I could eat it then throw it back up. It would satisfy my craving, and serve as practice for my technique. So i did just that, munching on some extra chocolate for good measure.

I think the first time I really reflected on my new view of food was on my flight home again. I was given two full on meals, and felt like I had to eat them, so I did. Then tried a few times to purge it up in the plane toilets. I think I got some up, but the small space and the anxiety of someone hearing got the bette of me and I gave up. Looking back, that was a low point. Squatting in the toilet of a plane, trying desperately to vomit up cauliflower soup while hoping no one was outsidee the door and could hear me.

Since properly being back home, it's gone from bad to worse. The first few times I purged again was after unavoidable eating- meeting friends for dinner a couple of times etc.

I have still been restricting, but in my own home with access to food it's easy to get tempted. I think while I was away and busy all the time, I was more distracted from eating. I want to get back in that frame of mind, where food and eating doesn't take up so many of my thoughts.

This past week has been particularly bad. From Saturday to Friday, I purged every single day. It started when a friend stayed at mine Saturday night, and we ate out lots. Being re-introduced to food like that again has messed me up. I'm now having cravings again and I hate it. I hate wanting food.

I threw up in a Nando's toilet one evening, and then later in Krispy Kreme. I'm not even ashamed. The whole time while eating the meal, I was planning my trip to go purge. I was intentionally drinking lots of water while eating. The same goes for the following day when we ordered food to the house.

As for the rest of the week, I can't even remember why I purged most of the days. I think first when I snacked a little too much of an evening. One of the days I was craving pizza, so ordered Pizza Hut with the intention of purging after. This sort of stuff is what makes me wonder if i'm more bulimic or anorexic. I guess it doesn't really matter.

When the pizza arrived, I decided to try chewing and spitting the food, and then purging the little amount I did eat. I can't lie, C/S did satisfy my craving nicely. It's just hard to say how much food I actually took in from it. I have managed to overcome a few cravings since then, to which I am quite proud, as I was hungover and could have easily given in and ordered food.

Oh, after a night out on Friday, the first thing I did when I got in to my hotel room was try to throw up as much as I could. It's mad that even when I was that drunk, it was still at the front of my mind.

Today I threw up again. For stupid reasons. All I had eaten was soup and some side bits, but I wanted a Belvita, and somewhere in my head I could only justify it by purging first. I'm going to try and stop doing it this frequently, beacasue it really will be a one-way ticket to every nasty side effect. I just need to work on my cravings and binges. Maybe I need to rid my house of any foods like that. I dunno.

My number one fear is definitely anyone finding out about any of this. I am forever lying about eating or what I have eaten. I laugh at jokes about eating disorders as if there's no way I have one. I am a good liar, am good at hiding things, so I don't doubt that I will successfully hide this from people.

I guess i'll keep writing this all down for as long as necessary. Currently, I have no intention of gaining a normal eating habit. Maybe it's bad, but I don't really care. I'm losing weight and I love it. I weigh around 63kg at the moment. I can see and feel where I am starting to look slimmer and I love it. This is why I don't really try to stop, and why everything revolves around eating less. I do want to not purge as much as I know how bad it is. I'd rather focus on restricting than bingeing or purging.

I like to think I have some control, but it's been a month and I already feel it slipping. Maybe writing this down is the first step to reclaiming some.

I like to think that one day, I will be happy both happy with my body and not focused on food/ eating so much. I hope the time comes, beacause as much as I am focusing on this to lose weight and lool the way I want, it is exhausting. It's all- consuming, and a constant battle. It's a battle I am happy to be in right now, but I hope to not always be in it.

<3

[everydayofmystruggle]

The beginning... sort of

About a month ago, I started to write a little diary of my days of struggling, and so will now share those on here, as well as continuing as I go forward.

Today I have decided to start documenting my journey on here. Maybe no one will ever read it, maybe it will help someone else, maybe it will just help me by having a way to get it all out.

It will be personal, detailed, maybe even graphic at times, so I apologise if you stumble across this and don't like what you reasd. But this is real, and this is my daily struggle outlined as it happens.

<3