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[everystupidsheepie]

15. Blue

why don't you

talk to me in daylight

in mornings

in sweet, sunny days

when birds burst excitedly forth from trees

and clouds swirl our affectations

across the sky

is there something about the night

are your dreams the same as mine

filled with the brutality of desire 

i don't speak it into truth

[everystupidsheepie]

I'm Sorry, I--

please note

this is not my intent

hating you

you are not my intent, my intended

and so, I must steel my resolve

steal myself away

from the corners of your thoughts

where you keep me neatly stashed away

and I can't let you in

to rifle through my consciousness

to flaunt my feelings

you are not my intented

and so, I must go now,

and close the door on the idea of us

there will be others

I'm sure

and we'll move on with time

even if we--

this isn't my intent

[everystupidsheepie]

There's Me

You wake up and ask the world,

“Hey, am I good enough today?”

Wondering what’s so special

about being someone’s baby

or the one that got away.

When everyone’s paired off

until it’s just the Universe and I, 

do your thoughts drift to me?

I have always loved you. 

Even if you don’t remember my name.

And the idea of our past is future tense. 

When the pain gets to be a little too familiar,

a little too comfortable,

just remember:

you are mine.  

Is it better to play pretend at happiness,

to hum forgotten lullabies in darkness  

when you think no one is listening

as tears slide down your cheek?

Are you dedicating your personal space to someone special? 

Or is it just empty bedside manner?

Dear lover, who I haven’t met yet, these abandoned kisses are yours.

When you hear that soft whisper of your name, that’s me. 

When you feel your heart sinking

and loneliness creeps in—

When the melody fades, baby, there’s me.

And, oh, there you go again.

Holding out your hand to every passerby.

Asking, “Will you be the one to save me from myself? Are you the one I dreamed of?” 

Will you run to the idea of someone else’s arms? 

You are mine.

[everystupidsheepie]

Coffin Birth

today, I arrive unanounced,

unattended, unexpected,

untangled from fever warmth gone cold

part of me still yearns for that space within you

where I am no longer needed

I watch you succumb to decay

unceremoniously

with clouded eyes

and with that,

I quietly rattle into a life

once yours

[everystupidsheepie]

Sixth Sense

You have always been in my life.

At least, I think you have. 

In one iteration or another:

in classroom lectures, dimmed auditoriums, and scribbled notes.

(Here, take this down.)

In the shadows of passing cars on the bedroom wall.

In the sound of sirens in the night 

and the screams of unsettled beasts from the forest, whose words we intrinsically know. 

I feel it and you feel it—

We feel it in our hearts,

in our bones,

in our souls

where no medicine can reach.

(Here, take me down.)

It’s there in the wind,

in the sound of the rain on the windows,

and our footprints through the mud.

And you were there when I forgot your name,

when I forgot who I was looking for, 

when I forgot why we even stopped talking.

(Here, take her down.)

And when I did a deep clean,

wrung my heart out after soaking it far too long,

burned everything, 

offered sage and salt,

wiped away the blood, you—

You have always been in my life.

[everystupidsheepie]

Haruspex

The heart and the liver are not the same, but it would be wrong of me to toss that piece of you aside. And so, I start there. It's easy to assume that your affections are any greater than the size of my fist. They are not. It's easy to assume that you were once unobtainable. See how my fingers clench. The heart is not a thing of soft caresses. It is muscle and warm uselessness. Love is an intangible thing. And yet-- As you lie to me, all bones and offal, you've never spoken so honestly. Today, hardships and brokenness, irritability at my fingers tracing over every little detail of your life. It isn't just cirrhosis, a hard piece of fate that you couldn't change. There are minute things here. Tired, jaundiced memories that glaze over your expression. Say goodnight to Charon for me as you go. I see no future for us here.

[everystupidsheepie]

17. Yellow

Instead of tearing apart flower petals, we plucked Saffron pistils over dinner and spun ourselves ragged in abandoned office chairs up for adoption at the Salvation Army and casually tripped into deep affection in the unattended fitting room. Those markdown pants never fit you right, but you bought them anyway since yellow-dot items were eighty percent off and where else were you gonna find pants in such good company? You were such good company. And I sat in the passenger seat of your car as we watched the sun melt into the clouds. "It's that pretty because of pollution," you said. And I nodded and realized as you drove me home. That your eyes were prettiest because of my thoughts. And dinner wasn't as great as I imagined. You worried over your day, like always-- picking at your food, always picking at something and I guess that Saffron was the first victim. And then you muddied your tea with the straw until I couldn’t see the cream anymore and you couldn't see me anymore. I was just a place setting. And I guess--I guess you noticed I was too quiet over dessert. We took a walk and ended up in the Salvation Army quite by accident because this was not routine. Rekindling romance was not something we tried too terribly often because neither of us had time for it. We should have made time for it. Because you and I were good company. Still, I'm content to wander our home, to wander these aisles alone. And that's what I get for spontaneity: a beautiful, romantic sunset. Polluted.

[everystupidsheepie]

An Exercise in Loss

I laid with someone else today. I didn't cling after--only dazed in arms that felt slightly familiar. I knew the motions, but not her face, her lips, her tired eyes. Nothing sparked, nothing twinkled. I think I left part of myself rumpled in the sheets with her. My heart ached and the surprise of my tears pooling on her skin like raindrops caught me off guard as sunlight flooded the room. And in that moment, I swear, I felt another part of you die.

[everystupidsheepie]

25. Strangers

what were once tiny sparks turned to burned bridges and honestly, after the smoke cleared, i can't say i gave you enough of a passing thought to even call you an old flame

[everystupidsheepie]

Fascinating

Regardless of how fast your trembling fingers move, there's no alluring way to unfasten the buttons of your cardigan sweater, Teach.

[everystupidsheepie]

by Jazeki

When the soft crunch of bone

Meets the subtle snap of disconnect

And his head pivots to the right

Bleeding noses

Spat teeth

Breaking knuckles and jaws

These are the comforting sounds

Of a collective conscious

Reeling under the pressure

Of the still-burning pit of loss

Without consequence

Read more

[everystupidsheepie]

All my exes were hurricanes.

 There were moments of clarity

and brief patches of sunshine

between the rolling eyes.

 After each storm season,

I stood and assessed the damage:

a broken limb, a battered home—a life lost.

 I survived.

[everystupidsheepie]

Eater of Hearts

And here lies my love Canopic: with Hapi, those excited breaths turned to death rattles; with Duamutef, the taste of wine, then blood, then dust; with Imseti, the fervor of affection drained; with Qebehsenuef, the entrails of change shriveled. And my heart, weeping and heavy in Anubis’s firm grip.

[everystupidsheepie]

Chibi Derek by kabocha

[everystupidsheepie]

53. Earth

On cold nights like this, I wiggle my toes into the withering grass and feel the mole crickets, maimed and gleaming, scurry off into the safest, darkest depths. A ten o’ clock moon hangs high overhead, but I’m down here, shifting my eyes and heart like ley lines on the forest floor in the hopes of sparking an animal magnetism with the next weary traveler to wander past. I’ve a compass rose in each palm and the whispers of a stale breeze rustling secrets in my ear.

[everystupidsheepie]

Circle Hook

Ours is a piscatorial love: A perennial game of catch-and-release, Baiting each other with the rattle and flash Of a promising relationship.

[everystupidsheepie]

Snow Beast

I come bearing purity, finality, the cruel warmth of thickets. The earth groans with the heavy burden of a vernal womb—her sleep cold and fitful. And so: a blanket of snow for weary bones, a sheet of your ice for your fetid waters, (see the grass moldering on the shore) an evergreen and a winterberry, the mournful cry of a wintering goose as he passes a steadily reddening horizon. Here, caribou scraps and circling crows— a starving temptation. Above, the moon ever watchful, ever full, bathing the ground in a harsh, sparkling white. Bare unto me your winter canvas, your ragged breath, your shivering delirium, the last tuft of grey in your pelt until I leave behind for Spring a frosted slate in my wake.