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[evildoombringer]

i keep scratching when i think of you. i don't know why

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i miss you

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returns once every three months so you know i haven't forgotten you

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hi nakamura (i'm. not entirely sure which name you prefer to go by,,)

i. don't really know, personally, the depths of hurt that came from min leaving can't claim either. to understand what your going through right now

you both seem really close. it was always funny, to  read ur asks that you'd send i remember reading the "happy morning" one you sent and it had like this image of a smiling kid for some reason, for like a solid 5 months i just thought "oh cool, so that's what they look like:0" before i looked back and thought, "huh wait. they always added (very funny,  mind you) meme/pics to their asks. was that pic a meme too-?" and only then did i realize lmao

looking back on his responses, i can almost hear the amused tone or, however min would react. lol it was nice to see him talking to people who cared about him

im. not really sure what to say, without coming off as like.. pretentious.? but. if i can just assume for one second, from the asks they'd answer of yours, to everything i hear about min from all the people who know him, i. i. assume he really cared for you, and. i assume you cared for him as much.,

i dont. know your situation, at all. min had. already made up his mind when i even found his blog. so, just. i hope you'll be able to make a decision, you'll be. happy with

the future could get better. it could get worse i can't really see which one it'll be. i don't understand how close you and min were, at all but know. you arent alone im not sure, if you need to. understand or know someone to be there for them,but from the looks of it, min was. never really alone if he had you. so,i hope you also know your not alone there'are people here for you

im sorry. this is probably, meaningless to you in hindsight i just. yeah. in the end, whatever you choose is your decision but. your not alone im sorry if this comes off as assuming.  please. feel free to ignore this ask, if it oversteps in anyway or is just uncomfortable. i know sometimes one might just want- to vent and let it all out and the to have that acknowledged or responsded to might be. uncomfortable i. hope i didnt come off that way

but .yeah,

nice to. meet you by thw way. O(∩w∩)O (im sorry the kaomoji is so out of place jhsjsh i just remembered that one ask u sent hh)

hi custard

it hurts that he's gone, obviously, and i just haven't been on Tumblr for a minute, so seeing everything again is having a terrible effect on my psyche (ill live though haha). im just super weird about him and i realize that uhh nobody really knows that. but I'm super . . weird about him and uhhh yeah and um i regret everything lol

im surprised you thought i was a young chinese boy :sob: but. i understand how you could make that.... mistake.....

did you know the :smile: :sob: thing is a discord reference? :sob: is 😭 and :grimace: is 😬. if you're on a phone and u type the emoji out it should probably pop up, and the same thing happened on discord so he. um would do that when posting on Tumblr too out of habit, and i guess it eventually became a Min-Pal staple haha

and yeah he definitely cares about me, and im mad at him because he cares about me and left me his emails and shit to take care of and he did that because he knew im. weird and needed more than old messages and tumblr posts and i . m glad he did do all that and i love having some stuff to hold onto like his Spotify but. it's just upsetting i guess, since you know, id rather have him.

its really funny seeing how other people view him, to me, at least, i guess since i got to see not just him being bad-pathetic but him bad-bad in general (and I'm not going to explain further than this, as i, despite claiming to find it funny, am happier than not that he died with a t least a somewhat positive. Uh. Perception.)

idk I'm not like, a great persoj, and i did Just let him die instead of going to unimaginable lengths. and I regret that everyday, but he was so steadfast. he just didn't care anymore , and he had me to talk to but it was like he didn't care about trying (because once he decided he'd died, what really mattered past that?) Ssorry this is all so congested and contradictory and I make no sense

and, id love to believe you when you say stuff like "you're not alone" but it's terrible because I really am. like it's out of personal fault, but even the people I feel as though I could go to for help, I coukdnt bring myself to,, not when it's anything Too serious,, not to mention the fact I just got dumped because he said I was 'unhealthy' (after 10 months of reassuring me that its ok if I am cuz he'll help... but that's. A whole different thing and has nothing to do with min and I'm just bitter and bringing him up out of.... bitterness.)

and im glad u left the ask mikey i really am

idk it's just kinda sweet. now I feel more like angel and saki..... Auuuhhuhhh

i don't know what to do in any regard currently though so I think I'm just gonna continue mourning something that's been gone for a year now. Someone. and being bitter and upset, and reminiscing and trying his memory into music I like (and emailing my bf. [not considering him an ex] [email cuz he blocked my number] obsessively until he decides to take me back)

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you're no good for me but baby I want you I want you

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when everyone began to mourn you, i disappeared, because i didn't want to. i didn't want to scream and cry about losing you, and i definitely didn't want to to people who would never understand you as well as i did. do i have a superiority complex? i do. it was me you went to when she left you, me you left when she was there. it was me damnit it was me it was me whos shoulder you could cry on and it's me you abandoned because you were too weak to keep on going min it was me. and i still love you and ill join you soon i promise

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i thought he'd be different min. i always used to talk to guys much older than me, remember? he was the outlier. he was the one who i thought I could genuinely be with forever min. they left me or i left them and it didn't phase me, because i was just being used and I was content with that, because i had someone to talk to and he was different and i could talk to him and he didn't just want me sexually and now he's gone because i was too much, and even the guys I spoke to before meeting him said i was too much, and am i just that unlovable? are people like us destined to be unlovable? are we just defects?

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will do anything for you to just look at me. consider me. think about me, don't cut me out please don't cut me out

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I love you and that word feels too little to express what I feel about you what you make me feel every waking thought that you're in it's so little it's so tiny small tinier it feels wrong so sick full of vicious illness and it smells of rotten and I just want to bury myself in it and never come out it's all I want all I'll ever need I beg

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daydreaming (rebzyyx)

ill never stop talking about you ever

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a burning hill (mitski)

am the fire and i am the forest and i am a witness watching it

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taking whats not yours (tv girl)

you know where to find me and i know where to look

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we could have been together in the future. i was your back and you wash mine and we could share the same flat. im gonna be a doctor, so you wouldn't even have to work, but it wouldn't be burdening, because all id need is you. you could get a little cushy job so you're not inside all the time. we'd get your meds sorted, we could have been something special

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everyone has told me im toxic or overbearing or that it's like walking on eggshells around me. everyone but him and you, and now everyone but you. i knew i was getting bad min, but he dumped me when i was at my lowest. is it fair? is it fair at all? is it fair she left you when you decided to be a little more honest? is it fair he's left me now that im close to being just as bad as you were minnie?? maybe us two were destined to be alone, together. sunny and basil you know?

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he said he'd be there for me, like she said she'd be there for you. everyday i feel like we're more similar than the last. you said you were schizophrenic and borderline and that's why the relationship ended. and im scared it's sthose exact things ruining this one im in currently. maybe it's better to burn out rather than to fade away after all. maybe you were the smart one

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i loved him more than i loved you and i thought i was moving on from your death, begrudgingly but moving on nonetheless, but now i don't know where im going at all. not one bit

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i get how u felt with Her now. took me a year and two months but i finally get how that was what tipped you over and i don't want to be like you , but if I'm being honest i don't think i can keep living if he never comes back to me min.