evilsystemm

[evilsystemm]

the world is me

[evilsystemm]

no one else gets it like you do

[evilsystemm]

woke up at 3 am after sleeping 3 hours and my left arm seized up so badly that I just started sobbing and thought I'd have to wake someone up to take me to the hospital. have not slept since. i am miserable

[evilsystemm]

SAME!!! i am so chilled out and docile right now I hate it and I love it

I love that being sick made me less aggressive/silly

[evilsystemm]

Avoidant attachment culture is hating myself because I can't trust to my boyfriend, the only person that makes me feel genuinely loved but not wanting to love him too much because, what if he one day abandons me? It hurts

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[evilsystemm]

I'm glad you're back also. Not that it affects me directly maybe I've grown in that regard, being able to appreciate good things for you that are neutral or negative to me. It's nice. I always wanted it. I was really relieved when I was told people had spoken to you for the first time in months. I was scared you'd be gone forever. You as a concept being gone is something I could never take. Ever. Your physical absence is okay if not lonely and bitter, youre the only person who has seen my soul and looked upon it as I desired it to be, but the thought that you'd never think, feel, act again really scares me and I just cant bring myself to imagine it. It would be like losing a limb. I've come to realise I'd rather you exist in a way that sucks for me than to not exist at all. And both of us understand how advanced that is for me who's never been able to conceive of selflessness, especially with someone as special as you. I think about you every time I front without fail. You're everywhere, in everything I do still to this day. And usually I'd speculate whether that's the same for you but right now I'm just going to assume that it is based on how youve spoken to me in the past (even if to a lesser degree) and that if it isn't, I don't care at the moment. I choose to love you today even if I can't do that when I'm with you. I dont know if you'll read this. I dont know if I hope you will or not. It probably gets old hearing me talk about you so much, the same idea over and over. That I love you but I can't love. That you are me and I am you. You understand by now, I feel it. You've always understood me so quickly. Anyway, I'm glad you're around. I hope people treat you better than I did, and how I've heard some have been recently (in my mind im exploding them on your behalf), I hope someone loves you as much as I do. And maybe better than I can. Saying that makes me feel like I'm ripping my heart out and wringing it. But I think im okay with that for you. You weren't an exception to how much of an asshole I am, no matter how much I prayed and begged to have that. No one seems to be an exception but you are so incredibly special. And I know I am, I think. I still doubt it but I try to ignore that. I know you always wanted me to. It's hard. I've exhausted all the sorrys I have so I'll leave this routine mental breakdown on the note of be well. You're always mine and I'm learning to love your happiness because I want to love you not just consume you. And lastly I am infinitely grateful to the universe for not taking you away.

[evilsystemm]

I'm really sick right now and all I can think of is you. I miss you

[evilsystemm]

I hate hearing things like this because I think people have tried to create this counter culture towards addictive behaviours in an effort of altruism (and then some people have adopted it because it's more an illusion of social defiance) but they don't realise they're just doing exactly what the government has done for years with the war on drugs which wasn't well recieved at all and made some people more aware of behaviour they can engage in that subverts authority as well as shame driving addiction.

The correct response to a culture that glorifies addiction is NOT to create an oppositional movement that reduces damaging behaviour to being "lame" so they end up feeling rejected by anyone who could help them taper off the behaviour and further exist in an echo chamber, it's to be accepting, well intentioned, patient and educative. *Especially* when it's children and teenagers who have a high capacity for demand avoidance and self destructive indulgences paired with a social impressionability.

And the people that express negative assessments of vapers as lame or pathetic and don't do it because they're frustrated people are hurting their bodies by doing it, again it's essentially a subversive expression that appears to deviate from the general population, and creates tight knit groups of similar views based on nothing except "lameness" which further alienates people who vape and makes the group opposing vaping feel unique or divisive.

I find it especially odd when people in these groups also engage in substance use regarding more potent methods. As if its a competition of who can do drugs and hurt themselves "properly" without being labelled as lame.

I dont vape and never have btw if that's at all relevant to how this post is received. Also this isn't necessarily directed at OP, this post just sparked some thoughts I've had on this topic for a while and I dont express this with the intention of malice.

im tired of pretending that people who vape aren't lame as fuck to me tbh

[evilsystemm]

npd is just jenga. taking out the blocks and adding them on top, hollowing out achievements and using the image of them. and then the fragility

[evilsystemm]

comparison is the thief of joy indeed but have you considered its a gamble and you could achieve monumental joyful success if you win. just don't think about the other possibility

[evilsystemm]

how normal is it to lowkey hate your friends but for no reason

[evilsystemm]

I am delusional or do I actually think faster and more extensively than others. sigh

[evilsystemm]

why do you use the white skin emojis. white people announcing their race online is scary

its the default on my keyboard and it accurately portrays my appearence, kinda like how id use a specific hair colour on the people emojis, is this a problem in some way? I'm open to learning if it's harmful :)

[evilsystemm]

something I really hate is that my expression of love is always "aww you're so stupid" and I mean every word of that sentence genuinely because the less competent someone is the more affection I have for them and that's so insanely fucked up like why does this happen to me bro 👎🏻👎🏻 I obviously respect people who are competent but they aren't as "cute" to me and its soo frustrating because I can't ever tell my friends how much I love them without ruining their self esteem and I dont wanna do that because they're lovely and they *are* intelligent it's just that I cant perceive that

[evilsystemm]

avoidant attachment culture is being acutely aware of others' attachment to you, even (and perhaps especially) when they want to hide it. i know that you've listened to my music to feel closer to me. i can tell that you've rehearsed this conversation. i see how you've changed because you think that i'll like you more. i'm not surprised by the walls that you're putting up because you think they'll draw me back in. i hear your boundaries straining. your desperation haemorrhages. i have seen it so many times.

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[evilsystemm]

nothing is more tragic than having npd and knowing that arrogance makes people view you as unintelligent but also being very objectively intelligent and reallyyyyy wanting to show off but having to make yourself seem the opposite but also nooo!!! please!!! this post is a form of the dilemma itself.

[evilsystemm]

can ODD not. wdym you don't like her tone that's literally your boss