experiment226

[experiment226]

Jumpin’ back into the gates of Oblivion—this time it’s remastered.

If you know, you know. Chaos, Daedra, and pure nostalgia. Catch me live as I carve my path through Cyrodiil like it’s 2006 all over again.

Tune in now: https://www.twitch.tv/shefixxstuff

#OblivionRemastered #TESOblivion #ElderScrolls #GamerGirl #SheFixxStuff #WomenWhoGame #BlackGirlGaming #RetroGames #RemasteredMagic #TwitchStreamer #GamingCommunity #NostalgiaHit #RPGVibes #FixxPlays

[experiment226]

Journal Entry

Date: Monday, April 21, 2025

Time: 10:08 AM

Title: “It Wasn’t Funny the First Time”

One of the most annoying things to me is being around somebody who always has something to say. After a while, jokes stop being jokes and start being taken seriously—especially when it’s the same joke over and over again. I’m getting real tired of hearing, “Oh, I was just joking,” or, “That’s just how I joke.” Like, what part of you’ve been saying the same thing entirely too long for it to still be a joke do they not understand? I don’t do well with constantly being scrutinized. Someone always watching my every move, analyzing my skin, my hair, or needing to comment on everything I do—it makes me feel like I’m being monitored by a parent or someone pretending they’ve got authority over me. And then when I finally stand up for myself, suddenly they’re the one who’s offended? That’s wild behavior. I had set up my desk with both my work and gaming computers in a smaller room inside my bedroom. I used to go in there freely—to work, to play games, to stream. But now? I’m uncomfortable even being in there. Every time I’m in that space, I’m either being interrupted constantly or asked why I’m in there or what I’m doing. And it’s starting to seriously get on my nerves. If you’re that pressed about what I’m doing—so much so that you feel the need to control me with passive aggression or aggravation until I retreat from my own damn space—then maybe it’s you who needs help. And if you don’t trust me? Then go ahead and get the fuck on somewhere. Simple.

[experiment226]

Journal Entry

April 17, 2025 — 4:45 PM

Okay, so apparently my jokes come off like I’m trying to start a fight in a Denny’s parking lot. Love that for me. I guess my flavor of humor—dark, aggressive, and occasionally sounding like I escaped from a villain monologue—isn’t for everybody. Who knew sarcasm dipped in hellfire wasn’t universal?

But deadass… how are you around me this long and still can’t tell I’m joking? I’m not plotting world domination I stg, I’m just making jokes that sound like mild threats. Big difference.

Lol. I’m tired of being misunderstood. I crack one joke about my day, and suddenly I’m “intimidating.” No mfr, I’m just funny with a bite. Get on board or wear a helmet. Anyway, here’s to being hilarious and misunderstood. A tragic combo.

[experiment226]

April 15, 2025 – 1:36 PM

I’ve been feeling kind of emotionally flat lately. Not numb exactly, just distant—like I’ve been moving through the days without much weight or spark. But if I’m being honest, I’ve noticed a slight shift. It’s not a dramatic improvement, but things feel like they might be easing up just a little. Maybe.

Recently, I had a conversation with someone I probably shouldn’t have talked to. I thought maybe we could reach some kind of closure, or at least mutual understanding. But that’s not what happened. The entire conversation ended up being about my flaws and her suffering—what she had to go through, what she endured, how hard it’s been for her. And while I do understand that she’s been through some things, it felt like my side of the story didn’t matter at all. Nothing about what I experienced during the relationship. Nothing about how her actions impacted me. Nothing about why I felt so broken in the first place.

She talked a lot about her pain since we broke up, and yeah, I can empathize with some of it. But I wish she could admit that she wasn’t some blameless victim. She wasn’t perfect. Far from it.

I’ve had trust issues from the start—deep ones—and I didn’t fully realize just how much those issues were affecting our relationship until now. I know I wasn’t always easy to love. I know I didn’t always show up with kindness. Toward the end, I was emotionally distant, angry, reactive. I was drinking heavily and spiraling often. When I got upset, or when my depression hit hard, my mind always went to what I hated about the relationship—what I couldn’t forgive or forget. The things she had done that hurt me deeply. And in that headspace, it was like I couldn’t see a way out except through destruction.

When I called her this time, it wasn’t to reopen the door. It was to cut the last thread between us. I was trying to finally break the tie, because the truth is—I never wanted us to be together for as long as we were. I didn’t want to stay in something that toxic. I didn’t want to keep repeating cycles that drained both of us. One of us should’ve left sooner. I should’ve left. Or she should have.

What she didn’t bring up in our talk—the part she conveniently left out—was how things started unraveling. The very first time I tried to leave her, she threatened to harm herself. She carved my area code into her leg, like some kind of emotional blackmail. This wasn’t after things got toxic—this was before any of the physical stuff ever started. One time while I was at work, she showed up to my job, went into my office, took my bag with my pistol in it, and left. She texted me over and over again saying she was going to end her life. I panicked. I didn’t want to call the police, but I had no choice. I had to protect her, even though she was scaring the hell out of me. I had to report that she’d taken a firearm and was threatening suicide. And I still hesitated—still—because I knew she was dealing with a court case from her previous relationship and I didn’t want to make things worse for her legally.

I carried that weight. And yet when she tells the story, none of that is mentioned. Not the manipulation. Not the emotional trauma she caused me. Not the fear I lived in. Not the fact that I had to beg her to leave the apartment I was paying for when I couldn’t take it anymore. Not the many times I tried to walk away and she found a way to stay.

She erased all of it. Just talked about how she felt, how she suffered. Like my triggers, my breakdowns, my attempts to escape didn’t exist. Like I didn’t have to go through things that broke me down over and over.

And truthfully? If I never hear from her again, I’ll be more than fine. I’ve made peace with that. Because what I went through wasn’t okay. The way she played victim while never taking responsibility for the pain she caused—that wasn’t okay.

It always amazes me how the person who initiates your downfall gets to step back and say, “Look what you did,” while pretending their part never happened. They hurt you. Then they act like your reaction is the real problem. Like your pain is exaggerated. Like your trauma was self-inflicted.

But I know better now. And I won’t gaslight myself about what happened.

[experiment226]

From our very first conversation, I felt something different—and I’ve been in love with you ever since.

[experiment226]

[experiment226]

Text me when the ache of my absence stirs your heart.

[experiment226]

“You will search for me in another person, I promise.”

— Unknown

[experiment226]

“I may have lost someone who didn’t love me, but you lost someone who truly loves you.”

— Unknown

[experiment226]

“I’m not everything I want to be, but l’m more than I was, and l’m still learning.”

— Charlotte Eriksson, Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself

[experiment226]

“And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.”

— Khaled Hosseini

[experiment226]

pros and cons of dating me are surprisingly both my mouth

[experiment226]

hi, a lot of you need a perspective reset

the average human lifespan globally is 70+ years

taking the threshold of adulthood as 18, you are likely to spend at least 52 years as a fully grown adult

at the age of 30 you have lived less than one quarter of your adult life (12/52 years)

'middle age' is typically considered to be between 45-65

it is extremely common to switch careers, start new relationships, emigrate, go to college for the first or second time, or make other life-changing decisions in middle age

it's wild that I even have to spell it out, but older adults (60+) still have social lives and hobbies and interests.

you can still date when you get old. you can still fuck. you can still learn new skills, be fashionable, be competitive. you can still gossip, you can still travel, you can still read. you can still transition. you can still come out.

young doesn't mean peaked. you're inexperienced in your 20s! you're still learning and practicing! you're developing social skills and muscle memory that will last decades!

there are a million things to do in the world, and they don't vanish overnight because an imaginary number gets too big

[experiment226]

older I get the less interest I have in explaining myself to people who aren’t even important to me. if you want to misunderstand me or create a narrative in your head about me that’s really not my problem… I know who I am

[experiment226]

If you’re not watching Yellowjackets, you need to be.

Tumblr Tuesday: Yellowjackets Art (& Spoilers)

The drama girlies are back. Season 3 of that show about a teenage soccer team that sort of survives a plane crash in the Canadian wilderness and subsequently gets up to various dark and disturbing shenanigans is upon us as we speak, and the plot thickens, as it is wont to do. Please enjoy this offering of Yellowjackets art to keep you all sated til the next episode.

(And please scroll ahead at your own discretion—some mild spoilers, body horror, and gore ahead.)

@kashlat2:

@redvelvetbunny:

@smoggydoggyy:

@andreasketches:

@bluntbambzie:

@vertiska:

@yelloartt:

@irlplasticlamb:

@m0ssle:

@nalfae:

@fshfish:

@cowboythethird:

@tannertbosas:

@bevsi:

@bbluesidess:

@contemporaryenglish:

@faunshiii:

@lunarofthevalley:

[experiment226]

[experiment226]

Is it wrong for me to want to feel safe with someone? Is it wrong for me to ask for honesty? Is it wrong for me to just want a healthy, maybe even somewhat boring, relationship? I know that probably sounds silly, but I genuinely just want to be comfortable and at peace with someone. I don’t want drama, and I don’t want to carry anyone else’s baggage from their past into our relationship.

I struggle with letting go of betrayal, and it’s even harder when it happens within a relationship. When I’m not with someone who has betrayed me, it’s easier to move on because I can separate myself from them. But when you’re in a relationship with someone, living with them, it’s so much harder to escape all those feelings. It’s hard to stop feeling like you’ve been stepped on. It’s hard to stop feeling like you’re not loved.