ezratm

[ezratm]

* raejis​ .

            rae  -  ji  ,  by  no  means  ,  dislikes  being  on  good  terms  with  ezra  .  in  most  instances  ,  it  was  her  own  short  fuse  that  kept  them  at  a  distance  ,  as  she  was  far  too  stubborn  for  her  own  good  .  right  now  ,  they’re  in  a  relatively  neutral  place  ,  a  place  where  she  finds  herself  freely  padding  through  her  ex  -  fiancé’s  expansive  home  without  a  care  in  the  world  .  it’s  midnight  (  she  thinks  )  when  she  rolls  out  of  the  massive  bed  in  the  master  bedroom  ,  cerise  hued  locks  piled  on  top  of  her  head  ,  clad  in  what  was  clearly  a  piece  from  ezra’s  shirt  collection  .  a  dainty  fist  scrubs  at  her  eye  as  her  nose  leads  the  way  through  the  familiar  space  ,  and  it’s  when  her  feet  touch  cold  tile  that  she  stops  .  ‘  ooo  ,  did  you  buy  me  food  ?  ’  rae  -  ji  promptly  invades  his  space  ,  raising  a  leg  to  settle  herself  in  his  lap  (  and  right  on  top  of  a  particular  ….  ahem  ,  appendage  )  .  ‘  i’ve  been  craving  tacos  for  two  days  ,  ’  she  leans  forward  to  dig  into  one  of  the  bags  .  ‘  wait  …  no  guac  ?  ’  

          *    it’s   perhaps   in   rae   -   ji   that   ezra   had   met   his   match   ,   utterly   unhinged   when   need   be   ,   explosive   enough   to   be   his   equal   without   letting   his   aggression   push   her   into   a   role   of   submission   to   his   whims   and   desires   ;   it’s   no   secret   just   how   unhealthy   the   way   they   go   back   and   forth   is   ,   but   it’s   perhaps   what   leads   to   their   inevitable   reunion   after   each   volatile   break   up   .   though   he’s   comfortable   with   where   they’re   at   now   ,   an   unofficial   arrangement   between   the   two   is   bound   to   last   very   little   before   they   hit   a   speedbump   .   “   buy   myself   a   late   night   snack   and   bring   you   back   nothing   ?   i’d   be   setting   my   ass   up   for   a   swift   demise   at   your   hand   .   ”   there’s   little   standing   in   the   way   between   ezra   and   a   craving   ,   and   as   soon   as   rae   was   out   from   their   activities   ,   he   figured   a   quick   food   run   was   in   order   .   her   perch   in   his   lap   brings   about   a   lazy   grin   on   his   face   ,   half   devilish   and   half   comforted   ,   slate   hues   taking   in   the   familiar   countenance   .   “   work   yourself   up   an   appetite   ?   ”   he   teases   ,   before   groaning   in   annoyance   at   the   missing   condiment   —   a   side   he   couldn’t   emphasize   the   importance   of   enough   .   “   you’re   fucking   kidding   .   i’ll   kill   them   ,   i   swear   .   you   wanna   march   up   there   with   me   and   watch   me   beat   the   shit   out   of   whoever   owns   the   place   ?   nothing   but   the   most   grand   of   apologies   for   miss   park   ,   ”   he   murmurs   ,   planting   a   gentle   kiss   to   the   other’s   neck   .   he’s   joking   ,   mostly   —   though   knowing   rae   ,   it’s   not   completely   out   of   the   question   .

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      * chicago’s very own ezra calhoun has been spotted on madison avenue , with a striking semblance to brandon larracuente ! you may know them as @calhoun or hitting the front page of tmz as calhoun curse ? the neighbourhood singer calls off third engagement in as many years . according to tmz , you just had your twenty - third birthday bash . your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re imprudent , but being astute might help you . things that would paint a better picture of you would be a beat up telecaster slung over your shoulder , a clenched jaw as you try to play nice ( and fail miserably , ) a sharp tongue hiding the fear of ending up alone . ( cis man + he/him  ) +  ( teddy , 18+ , she/her , cst. )

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 : homelessness mention , drug mention .

𝟎𝟎𝟏.  𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐒  :

ezra  is  the  eldest  of  five  ,  half  of  his  siblings  having  a  separate  dad  and  the  other  half  being  unsure  of  who  their  dad  is  at  all  .  their  mom  has  never  stayed  with  a  guy  for  longer  than  a  few  months  ,  a  year  being  the  usual  cut  off  before  it’s  onto  the  next  or  revisiting  the  old  .  either  way  ,  this  level  of  dysfunctionality  makes  a  lasting  impression  on  ezra  .

the  revolving  door  of  guys  telling  him  “ call  me  dad ”  left  him  with  the  feeling  that  perhaps  he’d  never  be  able  to  rely  on  another  man  in  his  life  ,  stepping  up  to  be  the  man  of  the  house  much  before  he  ever  knew  what  that  role  entailed  .  he  finds  his  mother  passed  out  far  too  often  ,  laughter  shared  over  dinner  yet  the  billowy  white  wisps  leaving  her  mouth  from  a  small  glass  pipe  on  the  balcony  when  she  thinks  he’s  not  watching  .  he’s  the  one  helping  siblings  with  homework  ,  packing  shoddy  lunches  with  whatever  food  stamp  goodies  they  can  get  their  hands  on  ,  making  sure  everyone  gets  to  the  bus  on  time  while  his  mother  is  semi  -  conscious  in  their  bathroom  .

there’s  guy  one  that  lasts  ,  daryl  who  enters  when  ezra  is  13  .  he  sends  ezra’s  mother  into  a  spiral  ,  enabling  her  past  the  point  of  daily  function  and  rendering  her  a  full  -  blown  junkie  while  he  mooches  off  the  little  savings  she  managed  to  scrape  together  .  ezra  acts  out  to  all  hell  ,  a  plague  of  any  classroom  he  inhabits  ,  mouthing  off  as  if  to  blow  off  the  steam  from  a  home  life  that  forces  him  into  silence  .  he’s  a  tyrant  in  the  classroom  but  a  savior  at  home  ,  where  a  wisdom  beyond  his  years  leads  him  to  show  up  to  his  siblings’  parent  -  teacher  meetings  as  the  only  “  grown  up  “  in  their  lives  who  truly  gives  a  shit  .

he’s  17  when  a  row  so  horrifying  with  his  mother  ,  siding  with  a  man  practically  dragging  her  down  to  hell  ,  forces  ezra  onto  the  streets  for  some  sort  of  reprieve  .  he’s  heartbroken  to  leave  his  siblings  but  finds  some  comfort  in  the  next  eldest  girls  being  equal  parts  brilliant  and  responsible  .  as  a  final  fuck  you  to  the  man  who  ruined  his  only  source  of  stability  ,  he  steals  daryl’s  most  prized  belongings  :  among  them  ,  a  limited  edition  signed  nirvana  cd  ,  and  a  rosewood  martin  acoustic  guitar  ,  more  suited  for  display  than  use  considering  the  price  .  

he  hops  from  shelter  to  bench  to  shelter  throughout  most  of  california  and  doesn’t  talk  much  about  what  he  has  to  do  to  survive  .  with  all  the  time  in  the  world  to  lounge  about  ,  he  learns  how  to  play  guitar  from  other  street  buskers  in  exchange  for  protection  in  numbers  ,  and  before  he  knows  it  ,  he’s  able  to  afford  a  long  term  hotel  in  los  angeles  by  playing  on  a  busy  corner  .  he  sings  as  if  his  life  depends  on  it  ,  and  at  times  ,  it  does  ,  but  before  long  ,  he’s  being  recognized  in  the  bus  station  he  plays  in  .  he’s  18  when  someone  posts  a  video  of  him  singing  “  creep  ”  by  radiohead  on  a  corner  which  sends  him  viral  ,  a  talent  agent  quickly  taking  him  off  the  streets  and  shoving  him  into  a  recording  booth  .  they’re  based  in  chicago  ,  and  fly  him  out  ,  cementing  his  love  for  the  city  that  gave  him  his  break  .

he  brings  along  a  couple  of  lads  he  had  met  on  his  travels  ,  some  fellow  vagabonds  ,  some  simply  guys  he’d  met  throughout  his  time  in  la  ,  and  before  long  their  debut  ep  “ i’m  sorry ”  catapults  them  to  radios  and  a  local  tour  .  by  the  time  their  full  length  album  drops  ,  the  neighbourhood  is  one  of  the  world’s  biggest  international  touring  acts  ,  a  push  of  indie  meets  pop  with  grunge  and  hip  hop  influences  .  

ezra  calhoun  ,  a  true  rags  to  riches  story  ,  indulges  perhaps  a  bit  too  heavily  in  the  lifestyle  he  has  suddenly  been  thrust  into  ,  becoming  something  of  a  media  frenzy  for  his  unpredictable  nature  .  sternly  keeping  his  personal  life  out  of  social  media  but  writing  open  -  hearted  love  songs  to  each  conquest  he  lands  (  as  well  as  being  a  rather  high  -  profile  serial  philanderer  ,  ) ��he’s  a  curious  contradiction  ,  stumbling  about  onstage  with  eloquent  penned  lyrics  yet  stepping  offstage  and  being  caught  up  in  every  scandal  in  the  book  .  shattered  engagements  ,  cheating  scandals  ,  drug  busts  ,  sloppy  performances  ,  ezra’s  more  and  more  a  liability  with  a  short  fuse  ,  risking  almost  as  much  for  the  team  behind  him  as  what  he’s  worth  .

he  doesn’t  try  to  use  his  past  as  a  sob  story  to  fuel  him  moving  forward  ,  but  anyone  who  knows  what  he’s  seen  growing  up  can  see  how  it  takes  hold  of  him  in  adulthood  .  he’s  every  bit  a  mess  as  what  his  aesthetic  would  make  him  seem  ,  destructive  to  a  fault  and  with  a  mouth  on  him  that  gets  him  in  as  much  trouble  as  it  gets  him  out  of  .  though  he  is  as  responsible  of  a  brother  as  his  siblings  could  have  asked  for  ,  his  notoriety  now  is  credited  to  the  chaos  he  causes  seemingly  just  for  fun  .

truly  little  to  no  moral  compass  as  at  this  point  ,  he  tells  himself  that  he’s  been  through  enough  shit  that  he  deserves  whatever  indulgences  he  chooses  to  give  himself  .  he’s  a  hedonist  through  and  through  ,  a  philanderer  as  if  it  keeps  him  breathing  ,  and  a  naturally  addictive  personality  ,  ezra  is  all  points  of  a  powder  keg  ready  to  blow  .

𝟎𝟎𝟐.  𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘   :

ezra  has  one  degree  of  separation  before  he’s  got  a  superiority  complex  ,  readily  staring  down  anyone  who  crosses  his  path  with  unflinching  eye  contact  and  a  flexed  jaw  .  everything  to  him  is  a  confrontation  and  one  he  makes  an  effort  to  come  out  unscathed  by  .  if  it’s  not  his  biting  wit  fighting  his  battles  for  him  ,  he’ll  engage  in  a  fist  fight  ,  though  he  hopes  to  make  that  his  last  case  scenario  .  he  goes  off  his  mind’s  whims  and  desires  and  does  so  with  little  prudence  for  the  sentiments  of  others  .  slack  jawed  and  eye  rolling  ,  ezra  is  a  bad  attitude  with  little  to  lose  ,  and  has  a  habit  of  butting  heads  with  those  who  stand  in  his  way  .  

people  point  out  the  interesting  dynamic  of  someone  so  aggressive  also  being  the  one  who  pens  albums  packed  with  love  ballads  .  between  sex  jams  and  bare  -  alls  detailing  the  sentiments  he  feels  over  connections  he  has  ,  ezra  may  seem  hidden  away  emotionally  but  is  really  more  prone  to  reveal  his  feelings  than  most  .  he’s  disconnected  and  aloof  at  first  when  simply  entertaining  himself  ,  but  truly  engages  with  only  a  few  who  can  get  him  to  tap  into  that  vein  of  passionate  energy  that  keeps  him  from  being  a  useless  waste  of  space  and  create  something  beautiful  .  if  he  can  sense  the  energy  taking  a  negative  turn  ,  he’s  every  bit  the  kind  of  smart  ass  to  get  the  last  word  in  and  end  up  in  a  street  fight  over  it  (  something  he’s  no  stranger  to  given  the  brand  of  guitar  he  so  proudly  carried  with  him  during  his  time  on  the  streets  .  )

he  seeks  out  whatever  makes  him  feel  good  and  seems  to  still  be  hiding  whatever  hole  was  left  by  his  mother’s  abandonment  ,  of  whom  he  hasn’t  talked  to  since  he  left  home  .  he’s  in  constant  contact  with  his  siblings  ,  but  this  isn’t  enough  to  quell  the  resentment  within  him  from  the  loss  of  his  one  sense  of  stability  .  this  explains  his  long  string  of  failed  relationships  and  a  tendency  to  act  on  impulse  ,  setting  fire  to  whatever  good  thing  may  come  to  him  (  although  with  his  tastes  ,  he  doesn’t  often  chase  the  good  things  .  )

𝟎𝟎𝟑  .  𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃  𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒  :

link can be found in the source 🤍

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I used to think I was tough, but then I realized I wasn’t. I was fragile and I wore thick fucking armor. And I hurt people so they couldn’t hurt me. And I thought that was what being tough was, but it isn’t.

James Frey (via mortemsomnia)

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caption: i love arm

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*  daratm​ .

*      𝐒𝐍𝐀𝐏𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐓    ﹕   𝗲𝘇𝗿𝗮      🎸      ◞

𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐚      :      never     drinking      with   u   again      ,      still      hungover      as   fuck      🤢 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐚      :      icb   u   made   me      belt      out   those   notes   for   an   hr   straight 𝐝𝐚𝐫𝐚      :      i   think   i      need      to   see   a   doctor      😂

𝒆𝒛𝒓𝒂  :  dar  luv  if  only  ye  knew  how  fucking  in  pocket  ye  stayed  ,  i  proper  near  pissed  myself  in  awe  🙌 𝒆𝒛𝒓𝒂  :    ma  heid’s  mince  but  i’ll  attest  it  was  right  well  worth  it  for  the  notes  ye  hit  while  off  yer  face 𝒆𝒛𝒓𝒂  :    though  ah  don’t  feel  me  team’ll  be  too  happy  explainin’  the  bloody  hematoma  i’ve  given  myself  goin’  headfirst  into  that  wall  🥴 𝒆𝒛𝒓𝒂  :  think  we’ll  get  a  two’fer  one  at  the  urgent  care  ?  💀

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            *  𝑟𝑒𝑔𝑎𝑟𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔  :  @daratm​  .

HALSEY, Travis Barker and Machine Gun Kelly.

BTS 'Forget Me Too' — © The Noise

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             *  𝑟𝑒𝑔𝑎𝑟𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔  :    @raejis .

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me

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Dreams - The Cranberries (Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can’t We?, 1993)

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February 15, 1990 
Raji’s, Hollywood, CA, US

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test

taking one for the team

taking one for the team

taking one for the team

taking one for the team

taking one for the team

taking one for the team

taking one for the team

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And our past is going up in flames And the future can be rearranged

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I just can’t get rid of the feeling that I am a bad person with a good heart. I always want to do the right thing but in the end I’m fucking things up. In the end I’m always fucking things up.

blxckwinkel (via wnq-writers)

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