faaani - Tumblr blog

[faaani]

Humne to jab kaliyaan maangi kaaton ka haar mila

[faaani]

pain, pain, go away

come again some other day..

(pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee)

[faaani]

when Rabindranath Tagore said about Taj "A teardrop on the cheek of eternity" he was so absolutely and painfully right that I'd actually like to cry whilst agreeing to these words every single day if that's okay

[faaani]

وَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌۭ لَّكُمْ ۖ وَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تُحِبُّوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَهُوَ شَرٌّۭ لَّكُمْ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ ۝ 

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allāh knows, while you know not.

Al Qur'ān Al-Karīm {02:216}

[faaani]

Losing a lost gamble

------------------------

I'm hearing sounds again

Thunderous, ominous and melancholic

Things are getting bruised

They're breaking and getting scattered all over

My eyes wide open are hoping

To summon a miraculous strength

But once after all this time I want to shut them

I want to give up, I want to quit

What's so wrong in being a quitter?

A loser of an already lost gamble

'You reckon you ready for regretting it tho?'

My insides interrogates me

Alas! I am not

So how do I make myself say I am

Say I am fine

I am fine with my nights getting ruined

Howling over my lousiness at the sight of the moon

And my mind retelecasting it all over again at noon

So how do I make my broken soul appear

As though it has never been broken

How do I keep on wearing this fake face

Inside of which is an emptiness

Void of smiles and filled with ugliness

How do I keep it from wearing a sore face

When in all reality it is of none but a loser

A loser who is on the verge of losing an already lost gamble

~mirage

[faaani]

"as I was sitting by the cliff this evening, contemplating ending my life, watching the gushing water-stream below, alongside which it appeared every dream of mine was also flowing out of my eyes, leaving a deadly drought behind, I realized something. I realized how dying deliberately or committing suicide, in other words, is an absolute paradox on its own. 'Cause sweetheart , I might be a coward to not jump off this edge I'm now standing on but at the same time, I'm also brave enough to continue living a life that kills me daily. And so what if I take this single step and end this deal, will I still be a coward to not be able to bear a fairly challenging life? Or will I be considered brave to take this shot..." she was venting to her friend in her head nonstop who was listening attentively whilst the world beyond her mere figure and the gigantic cliff was busy hustling and bustling, trying and living.

[faaani]

oh how utterly fascinating it is to watch people bring and leave flowers on the graves of their loved ones! Their love, remembrance, and sometimes regret dripping from the petals of all sorts of colors of the flowers they very dearly chose to bring...

my goodness, It'll be a fantasy fulfilled to see my people bringing them someday soon in the future on my very own grave...

📸 by mi

[faaani]

to relieve stress you can simply pick up a brush or a pen and write as beautifully as you can...

[faaani]

Options

That day I realised

I've absolutely no one in this whole wide world that

I can call mine

No one among these humans on whom

I can rely

Because they always have an option

An option to leave me

And that I cannot live with this fear of them leaving me

Any moment

Just like what I feared as a kid that

The most important woman in my life will leave me

And one day she proved me right

But then she returned

Tho did she really?

She must have had her reasons, I tried to console myself

But I didn't need consolation

I needed love

I needed her presence

On days she wasn't present

But should have been

Those days my mind saw some sudden changes

The changes which I hate till date

I didn't want to change

Yet I did

And then it became one of my biggest fear and belief

That everyone will leave sooner or later

That eventually I'll lose everyone

Either to life or to death

So when I met with people for whom

I felt for dearly

I cared for truly

I introduced them to my fears

They heard but didn't listen

Had a look but didn't see

Didn't agree when I said they will too do the same

Then it happened

They did it to me themselves again

And again

And again

They proved me both right and wrong

Right for my fear

Wrong for my trust

Now they've returned

And I've learnt to welcome them with arms wide open

But my heart

Oh my heart

And my mind

These organs still belong to that young kid

Who feared yet believed

Who got cut ages ago

But until now her wounds bleed

And she cry to me in agony

Inside my head

Wailing she says

"I don't want to get hurt

I don't want to be left

Behind and crying

Always trying to make them do otherwise

To not think

What they think

How they think

I don't want them to think they've an option

An option to leave me

And that they can use it in their anger and frustration"

So I leave first

In an attempt to stop her cries

And make her smile

Treat myself with hollow victories

Every now and then

Victories that bring me joyless joy

Victories that hurt as bad as defeats

So now she no longer cries

But never ever in my mind

I've seen her smile

~rage

[faaani]

Can I get a new heart? This one ain't functioning the right way!!

[faaani]

I had been given love only by asking, I had been praised only by demanding, I had been cared for only by telecasting...my wounds, my wishes, my worlds I created in my head to survive this real world. But it hurts now, everything just terribly and utterly hurts now. It has all fallen, the empires that my imagination had built so passionately now lay abandoned, no heirs to look after them no monarchs to rule over them. It's all covered in misery now...the throne, the halls, the gardens. And I'm mourning though I'd rather not, I'm not feeling like living though I'd rather want to, I've no hopes left although I'd rather die to have even the slightest hint of even a false hope lingering in my despairing little heart...therefore I hope, I just hope I learn to have hope again.

diary entry nth

[faaani]

my little eyes saw some little dreams, now that they've grown to be big they've seen some bigger ones too but they still very dearly hold on to the little ones and mayhaps that is the reason why they shed so many tears lately.

[faaani]

Let me get illogical for once and think that my eyes have lids only to protect your reflection reflecting in them just as my heart has a skeletal fortress protecting your reign inside of it and that my tongue is encaged inside these lips to not permit slip of your name through, as carelessly as it may but with respect. Let me get implausible this once for I'm young and in love.

[faaani]

maybe I'm not meant for the struggle I'm putting myself through, maybe I ought to flee my city- my country and are meant to start over, mayhaps as a florist or a book cafe runner, something small yet that feels surreal at least to me?

[faaani]

As a teenager I've seen very less life and as a this generation's teenager I've lived even less of it.

[faaani]

Dead Dreams

A distant howling has brought shivers for my spine

Bombarding my head with the screams that knows naught but to gear

A soul whose bruises of past traumas hasn't yet cured happens to be mine

And things that I didn't really witnessed have thus become my fear

~

I'm clutching my skin too tightly to the point it starts to tear

The darklings of my mind has crept out into my void room

And has made themselves at home there

I'm unable to progress weather I prefer my head or my place for this gloom

~

But who doesn't crave for a respite amidst such perennial struggles

Yet the empty head of mine is making the most noise

As I see them screwing their facades right in front of my eyes

For seeing my plight they're also starting to howl alongside my cries

~

My wings are laying tattered, footprints of my loved ones on their feathers

Telling the lies I've been told to my rebellion when they were being trampled

When sky was painted so grey that for my flight I couldn't figure the right weather

So they lay on the ground as a gift from my well wishers, my incompetence metaphored

~

Corpses of my dead dreams are also resting along, awaiting their funerals

My grief is too big to bring out from my cold eyes the warm tears

The wait comes to an end as the shadows of my mind seem to transform into mourners

And I do nothing for I wish not to separate the troublemakers from their troubles

~rage

[faaani]

wish my hijab grew tiny roses on its own how neat would that be

a rose-loving-hijabie way of thinking