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late night reminder to self: your depressive episode will not last forever. it will have an end. tonight will not be the end of you.

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Literally

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I had a meltdown the other night because I was going to go hang out with my mom but my terminally ill aunt was staying with her.

That sounds awful.

It's because I called my mom trying to make plans and understandably she couldn't so she offered I could come hang out at her house with my aunt instead.

And a little disclaimer, my aunt is one of my favorite people.  I love her so much,  she's the definition of a refined lady and she helped raise me.

And now she's nonverbal and they assume it's als taking everything from her.

And I have no idea how to communicate with her while she's locked inside her body and I can't even imagine how hard everything she's going through is.

And I didn't know if I could see her like that.  So I tried to back track but I had just called telling my mom I was free but now I didn't know if I could handle going and she wasn't letting me back out.

I felt like an awful,  disgusting person because how dare I say it's hard to see her like that when it's hard for her to BE like that?

So I went for a walk and tried to breathe and I had a full meltdown.

And then I went in the morning anyways and I haven't been able to stop crying about it since.  She's every thought of mine and I can't help but cry any time I think about her and any time I think about myself or my mom.

She saw me and she sobbed and she held me so tight.  She's so thin and so frail and she can't talk and I felt so much.

I just wanna scream and sob.