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3 Thigh-Slapping Assassinations in History
Kim Jong Nam, half brother of North Korea’s great leader Kim Jong-Un, died last week after a successful, and very funny, assassination attempt.
Two women sprayed the Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army’s half brother in the face with one of the most deadly nerve agents in the world. The women were arrested, but claimed it was “just a prank, bro.” Authorities didn’t buy it.
It is unclear at the moment if the women used the ol’ smell-my-flower gag to murder Nam with the toxic chemical. It is also unknown if the women have a YouTube channel they want us to check out, subscribe to or leave a comment on.
The hilarious homicide forced me to dig into the past and find some more hysterical, gut-busting assassinations throughout history. Here are three of the best rib-tickling executions ever.
President James A. Garfield; Anvil to the head
You never see this shit work properly in cartoons, but on one fateful Saturday in July of 1881, Charles J. Guiteau miraculously got an anvil to fall directly onto the sitting president’s head (well, he was actually standing when it happened).
President Garfield was getting ready to go off on vacation when he stumbled into the comical trap that ended his life. Jim was walking through the train station and failed to see the trip wire Guiteau planted, setting forth the mechanism that released the anvil. The president didn’t die immediately, however, he succumbed to his injuries 11 weeks after the incident. LOL.
Archduke Franz Ferdinand; Snake nut can equipped with a hunting knife
You’re probably familiar with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria because it was the spark that engulfed most of Europe in World War I. And yet, people often forget how side-splittingly funny the actual assassination was.
After a jack-in-a-box rigged with an explosive detonated late and failed to kill Ferdinand early in the morning of June 28, 1914, rookie Bosnian assassin Gavrilo Princip retreated in defeat to a café nearby. As destiny would have it, the Archduke and his wife pulled up in front of the café hours later and stalled for a moment. Princip acted on impulse, dropped his pumpkin spice latte and reached into his bag to pull the only weapon on hand; a snake nut can equipped with a large hunting knife.
The assassin darted out of the café and offered doze “nuts” to Mrs. Ferdinand. The Duchess, a sucker for honey roasted, accepted the can, opened it and watched as the knife pierced through her abdomen and into the Archduke’s neck. What a hoot!
Lee Harvey Oswald; Kicked in the nuts real hard
Yup. The man who “killed President John F. Kennedy” was assassinated himself on November 24, 1963, just two days after JFK. His assassin, Jack Ruby, founder of Ruby Tuesday’s (probably) and mobster, kicked Oswald really hard in the nuts, murdering the patsy on live television. If you go back to the tape, you can see Ruby wind his boot up, slamming Oswald’s testicles directly into his stomach. How funny!
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