fakescissors

[fakescissors]

I'm so afraid of being vulnerable

[fakescissors]

12/03/2025

I realised recently that i have, almost my entire life, walked in a way that meant my body jiggled as little as possible. I didn't want to feel my thigh wobble. Doing so, has meant i have naturally come to walk this way. Doing so means that my have constantly tense muscles, and then i wonder why i am so tired.

[fakescissors]

grief is so crazy like what if i forget what her laugh sounds like. does she know i loved her. i miss her so much. i catch myself doing things she used to do. i wish i could call her. i miss her so much. i do a crossword puzzle. i cry while washing the dishes. does she know i loved her? my heart feels like a hummingbird. i miss her so much. what if i forget what her laugh sounds like. what if i forget.

[fakescissors]

I'm scared she will resent me some day.

[fakescissors]

I'm scared she will resent me some day.

[fakescissors]

10/05/2022 5:53PM

I feel disgusting and unattractive. I legit do not have the motivation and energy to shower, or wash or even go outside to pick up wipes.

Ah well.

[fakescissors]

Addicts don't just stop being addicts when they stop taking their substance of choice.

As an ex addict, I'm very much still addicted. I'm 6 or more years clean from hard drugs, self harm, and alcohol abuse. I stopped counting, it didn't help. That doesn't mean I no longer crave some kind of substance or self destructive behaviour.

My addictions were replaced with less harmful ones, cigarettes, caffeine, video games, social media.

It also doesn't mean I stopped drinking or doing any kind of drugs. I still get drunk every now and then, I still smoke weed sometimes. No I'm not snorting drugs every day to get by anymore, yes I am more than capable of doing anything I want to completely sober. I'm still addicted though. Those cravings don't stop. Stop acting like I'm fully recovered or ever will be.

I know my limits. I have coping mechanisms, I can go through my life without ever doing harmful substances again.

Addiction is an illness that does not go away, even when you're 10, 20, 50 years clean.

Ask any addict if they still crave it sometimes, 9/10 will say yes.

[fakescissors]

28/04/2022 01:47AM. TW.

On 26/04/2022 I found out, on my supposed 10th week of pregnancy, my baby hadn’t been alive for the last 4 weeks. Today, i’m still bleeding badly. Im depressed, im at the lowest ive been at in so many years. I dont know how to cope.  I dont want death, but id very much like to go to sleep and not wake up, i feel exhausted.  I miss my baby, i miss the feeling of knowing, or thinking im growing a human inside me. i was so looking forward to being a parent.  I feel disappointed, i feel worse than when i found my best friend from when i was 13 swinging from a tree, i feel sad, i feel numb, i feel guilty. I feel like i got people excited and their hopes up for nothing when i should have know that this awful body with this long list of health issues would have fucked me over. I know what loss feels like, i know what grief is like, but nothing feels like this. 

I feel disgusting knowing theres been a dead embyro inside me for 4 weeks and ive just been thinking about the cute clothes i could put on my baby, or the crib and prams id need. im dissapointed that me, nor my body realised something was so so wrong.