fakkeera - Tumblr blog

[fakkeera]

Came here after so long... But something strange has happened. I really want to keep the record here.. because who knows how and when this writing might come in front of him and it'd cause a sting in his heart.. making him realise that despite his denial.. there was something.. something good.. something pure.. we both shared.. but it never manifested. It grew and died in our hearts..

Yesterday i was in my study room upstairs looking for a notebook. In my room, there are so many books that are hard to keep so i packed a few of my books, notebooks and papers in cartons.

The notebook i needed was in one of those cartons.So, i started the exploration. While unloading the carton and finding the notebook i needed, i came across my old poems and journal entries I wrote a few years ago.

In this clutter of old entries, I found a paper tucked in a book. Thankfully, I was in the mood for reading.. i opened the paper and started reading. Usually i mention dates in my journal but this paper doesn't have one. But i knew, after reading, when it happened.

I wrote, " Recently, I had a talk with him. I didn't expect but he called me and we talked. The first thing that he did was turning on the video and kept the phone aside so that i cant see him but he was watching me.

When i asked where he was, he said," I am here and I am looking at you. You look so much changed. It seems like you groomed yourself."

I replied, "Yes it is.. because there was nobody to think about so i thought I should think about myself."

He said he wants to say something if I don't mind..which i allowed him to. He told me that the moment he saw me after so long he got the glimpse of older times that passed on and he is seeing a reflection of his ex in me. I asked him to talk about us only to which he agreed.

He told me how he survived when he poisoned himself, falling on the ground laying unconscious when i was not with him. A girl saved him, took him to hospital, took care of him and helped him get back to life. He said he is very thankful to her and loves her so much.

I was listening to him talking. The next moment, he grabbed another gadget and called that girl. She picked up. Now he was talking to her on another video call while making me watch.

I knew he was trying to make me jealous. He was observing whether I did react or not. I suffered for some moments but then a wave of anger came over me and i cut the call. I dont know why but i started crying. After 2-3 minutes, he called again and I picked it up. The moment the call connected he asked me, "You were jealous. Right?"

I said,"No."

He said, "Yeah you were. you still cant see me talking to someone else because i knew you never liked any girl talking to me."

I said," What is the purpose of saying all this now?"

He said," because i knew you liked me you had feelings for me but you never told me."

Thats it.

This was written. I remember this happening on 15th december 2021.

Gosh.. i miss those times. I miss how he knew everything inside me. The intimacy we had while being so apart yet we never accepted. We lied to each other and to ourselves. He knew thoughts of mine before me speaking. He was different. He was lovable. The man i wanted to love but couldn't. He is not the same now. Not even close to what he was.

Maybe in some other world,other universe.. we'll meet again and talk. And i could tell him.. "Yes I do."

[fakkeera]

Yesterday was my birthday.

But I couldn't eat anything from outside.

Two days before my birthday and after my fast on monday. I again went through hell of a pain in my chest.

It happened a year ago. But it used to heal with water or medication.

This time the pain was so bad.. that the doctors recommended scanning of my stomach to know the reason.

The results were a stone in my gallbladder and cists in my ovaries. The cause of the pain was stone. But scanning led another thing into my notice.

So currently,

1. There is an autoimmune disease in my body- Arthritis. The autoimmune element happens when the body starts attacking its own system leading your joints to freeze and slow death if not treated.

2. There is a stone of 15mm in the gallbladder that needs operation.

3. There is a cist in each side of the ovaries which is causing the period cycle disturbed.

So far we have three conditions which are not curable to the root.

Life is going good. It feels as if my body is doing its best to destroy itself. I don't even know if i should cry or laugh over it.

Honestly when i was waiting for the scan, i was praying. Praying for a deadly disease to be found out. Something like cancer. At least that could take me back to the sky. But no, i cant even live or die fully rather stuck in the middle.

[fakkeera]

Missing his voice.

When male coworkers or strangers speak around me. There is always a comparison going on in my mind about how different their voices are from him. How different and listenable his voice is.

#pouringsecretly

[fakkeera]

Sometimes i miss him so much that i want to call him when things are not going right. He used to be my escape. He either corrected me or bashed the people who bothered me. I could cry in front of him. He listened to my concerns sometimes very patiently most of the time he got irritated. But he kept talking about anything. That diverted my mind from worries for a bit.

Life seems so wrong sometimes. I try hard to understand the reasons or fate behind what has happened but sometimes these are not even enough to convince me.

The one thing left is the space , the void, the vacant space which used to be his place.

[fakkeera]

Over and over people in this house makes me feel i am the least wanted child. My father curses me everyday saying things to me that no daughter wants to listen from a father. my sisters don't even speak to me.my brother has the least interest in things going on. Remains my mother whom i love so much but she always prefers her other kids over me.

I dont want to feel like i am a victim but for how long one can shut the eyes to the truth. Truth always comes out in form of tears, in the form of defeat, in the form of doubt of what I have done for this treatment , in the form of questions about what should be done to get their love.

It becomes so lonely sometimes that i will happily welcome death if it comes the next moment.

I had two days off from work. But i have cried so much in these two days that my head now feels like it will burst out any moment. I want to cry loudly. I am tired of crying silently in my room.

I know one thing for sure... If ever i got out of this house... I'll be not coming back. I dont deserve this much hatred. I am tired waiting for the good part

[fakkeera]

I miss him.

It feels so possible that if i would call him and we would start talking as we have been since six years... no fighting, arguements or tauntings just the comfort, the laughter, the curses, the gossip. No strangeness, no newness, no awkwardness.

But reality isn't always this pleasurable. I know. That's a thing of the past.

Would he be getting random flashes of our past as well? Like i do. When doing some work the feeling as if he called me from afar, listening to a specific song,when his name is written somewhere, when someone utters a word he used to say. it could be..maybe sometimes maybe never.

[fakkeera]

Writing down my wishes here coz someone said i should write them somewhere open to manifest.

The point is most of the wishes are plans i made to execute with my better half(if i let anyone be).

1. Wishing him to be a devotee of Lord Shiva if not at least respect him so that i could take him with me to visit all the temples of Lord Shiva. Not just the temples, the mountain and caves related to the lord. How beautiful it will be to have my world with me visiting the supreme soul's centre points telling him all stories, meditating with him, purifying souls together, chanting mantras together, vibrating higher together, having blessings with him, with him praying for him. 🪷

2. Calling my one with the name, "Shiv" or "Shiva" i hope he likes. 😌

3. Randomly enacting any scene of a movie or any dialogues with him.

4. Singing the bohemian raps together. It might be impossible bcs not many people listen to bohemia's classic verses💯 Still fingers crossed.

5. Manifesting a tea lover bcs tea is love. I respect coffee people but tea is home. With my one, having morning and evening teas together especially tea with black pepper ♥️

6. Together reading books or poems🤎. Talking about poets, their love life, their struggles. If that person likes something else i am ready to learn for him.

7. Discussions about life, humans, gods, universe, music, books, artists, movies. I discuss these things with those on whom i have utmost trust and have respect for them. 🌙

8. Exploring music together. Music is important🤌

9. Settling in the mountains maybe? Because I don't like human society. We can have our little restaurant or coffee place for earning. Being happy in the little. Just Us two being happy in the mountains bcs i love mountains.. i dont even know why but these feel more like home. I have planned that if I couldn't do well in this world I would go somewhere far in a village in the mountains of himachal maybe kallatop. ❄️

10. Northern lights.. i love them. I want to see those great green northern lights upon my head with or without someone. One day for sure.💯

11. Visiting Jordan and Prague.. bcs Rockstar movie was shot there. ⭐

12. Visiting Scotland on Harry Potter shooting locations.🍂

13. Visiting that green place of my dream I didn't disclosed to everyone. I need to find first where it is.🌀

14. Some evenings beside lakes.🌊

15. Visiting Cambridge or Oxford University liberary. 📚

16. Having my own library at home or owning one somewhere outside for people.

17. Publishing my own books either fiction or non fiction.

18. Read books till the end of my life. 😌

19. Attending a concert maybe? I dont know if i'll enjoy it.

20. Naming my daughter (if i'd have babies) "Amrita" and "Jordan" for my son.🌷

Maybe i'll add more or delete some in future but for now these are in my mind. ✨

[fakkeera]

Someone sent me this poetry saying it relates to me because most of the times I forget my glasses elsewhere.

[fakkeera]

I wish i could tell him how much life seems not right. I tried to tell him but most of the time he didnt seem to bother what was happening inside me or with my family. I tried hinting him but no use. Sometimes it feels so wrong to be born as a human. I feel thats the baddest part of the universe. To be born as a human. Life never seems so wrong. Sometimes i question what i did to get this kind of family. It seems so much like a punishment. Here is no consideration of someone's mental state. Nobody ask no one how the day was or If I am going through something. The ugly thing is my mother who gave me birth dont even know what kind of kid i am. Seems like she doesn't even bother thinking. How can someone so easily be influenced. How to make her understand that this is what is happening here in every species the evil sibling suppressing the others. They want to suck all my peace out and ask for more help. But no one bothers to ask if I need something. I try my best...honestly my best not to think about these and keep myself in the company of god. Sometimes it feels defeating..To have sisters and brother who dont even give a fuck rather ruin if i have something or someone in my life. My sister ruined the most beautiful part of my life very nicely. Rest of the members just wait for my salary and thats it..no talk after the salary day. It is so helpless. I cry for hours in my room questioning why. Sometimes it feels so hard to be strong.

I cant even tell these things to other people because the next moment they will throw this back at me saying...maybe i am at fault. It has been years since someone genuinely hugged me. Since someone asked how my day was. Above all these.. if i am happy.

[fakkeera]

[fakkeera]

The one who has been constantly demeaned, underestimated, deprived of love, psychologically suffered for almost a decade finds it hard to accept when someone values them. It seems like a trap. A rise just to let them fall again.

Imagining the extent of damage.

#mysecretplacetopour

[fakkeera]

My escaping place.. my room ✨

[fakkeera]

I miss his company in the nights of winter. I miss him when i do something new and i want to show someone. I miss him when there is no one to tell the things i want to. I miss him for the discussion i used to have with him only. I miss our lame double jokes. I miss calling him with names. I miss the flirt we used to do with each other. I miss him during evenings when he used to get up for his day and straightaway calling me when he used to make his tea. I miss his sleepy voice and his messy hair. Oh his hair.. i always asked him to keep them longer.i liked the wavy locks on his brow. I miss our fights on petty things but still keep the talk going on. I miss the speed of time while talking with him.. the hours went by in minutes. I miss his poetry that he recited to me.. only me. The secrets he shared with me.. only me. I wish i could tell him that all his secrets are still safe in me and will be. I miss the way he used to find a secluded place with his tea, his diary, his books and me. I miss the music we used to listen to together.

Amongst all these.. the thing i miss the most is him wishing me morning..the first thing i used to hear opening my eyes.

Why am i writing it here? Because there is no one to tell. I dont want to tell anyone these little things. Writing here because i feel like filled up with so much inside that i want a safer space to pour it out.

I wont say these things to him ever. He is not here now..cant say if he will be. He seems happy where he is. Let him be.

[fakkeera]

The portrayal of absolute masculine and feminine painted by the dream guy✨ One of my fav. ❄️

[fakkeera]

[fakkeera]