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[fantailandfern]

I don't mean to gloat, but I walked for 10 minutes today. Without crutches.

[fantailandfern]

Is this about love or chronic illness?

“Everything is burning, my soul, body, outside, inside, heart, flesh. Do you understand? Do you really understand?”

María Casares, from a letter to Albert Camus written c. March 1952

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My wish, as a teacher, is to be a little bit Mr Ajayi ("Don't let anyone make you disappear") and a little bit Mr Farouk ("I don't give a rat's arse, rudeboy").

Mr. Farouk is a whole mood

[fantailandfern]

in depth review of 9 sorts of whiteboard markers assessed on a variety of criteria

well worth a read.

[fantailandfern]

Knowing exactly what you want is crucial to actually be able to accomplish it. When you have a clear vision of your goals, it becomes easier to work towards them and make them a reality.

You deserve everything you desire just because you exist. Nothing is beyond your reach. You already possess all that is necessary to attain what you want.

You might be feeling like you're not good enough and doubting if you can achieve what you want. Your subconscious mind is responsible for most of what you experience in your life. It shapes your beliefs and how you see and feel about the world. Your upbringing and experiences can program it, making it harder to achieve what you want, especially if you've faced difficulties. But you have the ability to change those thoughts. Believe in yourself, know your worth, and don't give up on your dreams. Start believing in your potential!

[fantailandfern]

I LOVE being alive so I can be mediocre at SO many different hobbies

[fantailandfern]

#more obstacles in the way of me finding someone #makes sense though

[fantailandfern]

How you treat yourself is how you teach other to treat you.

Do you set boundaries with yourself?

Are you honest with yourself about how things make you feel?

Do you stand up for yourself?

Do you love your body?

Do you love your style?

Do you take care of your health?

Do you care about your appearance?

Do you think you are magical?

Do you treat yourself because you know you deserve it?

Do you go after the things you want?

Do you respect yourself?

Do you give up easily?

Do you look for others for fulfillment?

Do you work for the things you want?

Do you blame others and not take responsibility?

Do you dedicate your time to growing?

Do you establish healthy goals and habits?

Do you let people take advantage of you?

Do you make excuses?

Do you work on becoming a better person?

Do you truly commit?

Do you compliment yourself?

How do you handle your emotions?

Are you proud of yourself?

Do you keep commitments to yourself and others?

How do you handle disagreements?

Are you consistent?

What do you think you deserve?

Can you give the same things you ask for?

Do you have values you live according to?

Do you feel confident?

Do you put yourself first?

Do you love yourself?

[fantailandfern]

I can't tell whether it's a seagull, a person or a pterodactyl on the roof of the building across the road.

[fantailandfern]

Can you have ennui in a limb? Because I think my left arm does.

[fantailandfern]

In hospital for the last 4 days, feeling sorry for myself. Have been manically liking other people's posts, but have now decided to add my melancholy musings to the void.

[fantailandfern]

You want commitment, but how committed are you to yourself? To the things you love, that bring you joy? To taking care of you? To keeping you clean and groomed? Do you love, respect and honour you? Do you love you unconditionally? Or is that voice in your head still putting you down when things don’t go to plan? What about taking care of you? Do you nourish you with good food, treat you well? Do you let you know, how important you are, how much you are cherished and loved? Do you take you on hot dates, do you buy sexy lingerie for you? Do you cook you your favourite foods? This might sound silly, and basic but life is a mirror. It starts with you. The relationship with yourself sets the tone for every relationship you have. With foundations of love from within, you will attract better.

[fantailandfern]

More Thoughts on Friendship

It’s been so long since I’ve had such good friendships that at first I’ve been doubting them, but actually, the common denominator in this has been me and my attitudes.

Right now, I feel so blessed to have such great new friends and to have rekindled old friendships.  Or rather, maybe this is the right time for these old friendships to come into fruition.

As I get older I now see that some friendships are transitory.  Some were only ever designed to last a certain amount of time, or for a certain purpose.  Then they fade.  And that that is ok.

Today, I am having coffee with one new friend.  Going for a hike with a new/old friend who I had lost touch with and now lives two doors up from me.  And making plans with another friend who I’ve known for 20 years and sometimes we hang out all the time and sometimes we don’t see each other for a couple of years, but when we do, we just pick up where we left off.  

And this is a beautiful thing,

And what’s changed is me.  I see myself as having something to offer in a friendship, but at the same time, I don’t have to bring anything to the friendship table, because I now see that people like me for just being me.  Not what I can do.  Just for who I am.  And, maybe more importantly, I like me for being me.

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Friendship

Am I worthy of being someone's friend? If I hadn't met J through work, I don't think we'd have become friends. She's way too cool (and younger) for me to really think I'd her as a friend. Similarly with A.

There's a part of me that feels that I don't deserve cool friends, that I'm not worthy enough. And that makes me pull away from friendships (and potential relationships) because I don't think I'm good enough just as I am.

Is that because friends I've made in the past have shared things like being good at music, or at school, so when someone likes me just for me, and not for what I can do, I don't know how to handle it?

Is it because I don't think I've ever felt real love from my parents and I only ever garnered praise when I did well at something, that's how I think I love works?

Is it situation specific - from being thrown together at school, at uni, in Japan? Is that how I think friendship works? I don't know.

Certain, I never really saw my parents have what I'd now call proper friendships. Dad had no-one and mum had gossipy people. Is that what I think friendship is? No, because books showed me that things could be different.

Where does that leave me now?

A invited me round for dinner tonight with some of his work colleagues. I said no because I felt like I'd seen enough of people. But is that true? It's weird sharing your life with someone, even though it's not in a relationshipy kind of way, but just in a "he's been in my house" kind of way and I found that quite intense.

But am I being a good friend?