feelingwatched

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[feelingwatched]

my autobiography

8 AM

me 1: time to get up

me 2: ugh

me 1: but you love your job

me 2: I love nothing

me 1: you love the cats

me 2: I love the cats

me 1: okay but go and make money so you can feed the cats

me 2: AES is just gonna take it

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10 AM

me 1: you have to do this well or you'll get fired

me 2: eh

me 1:

me 2: fuck it imo

me 1: but you went to school for this and you love doing this

me 2: ehhhhhhh

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2 PM

me 1: okay god just make it through the rest of the day can you just do that

me 2: I'm tired

me 1: for fuck's sake

me 2: what's on tumblr

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7 PM

me 2: whoo time to go home

me 1: all right dinnertime

me 2: do I have anything frozen or premade

me 2:

me 2: uggghhhhhh

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7:30 PM

me 1: KITTIES

me 2: BABIES

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9 PM

me 1: you should talk to your friends if you're lonely

me 2: eh

me 1: do you want to invite someone over

me 2: god no

me 1: do you want to go out

me 2: GOD no

me 1: well what the fuck then

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10PM

me 1: you could play video games

me 2: okay

me 2:

me 2: this isn't interesting

me 2: I should draw something

me 1: okay draw then

me 2: ehhhhhhhhhh

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11 PM - 12:45 AM

me 1: you're gonna be so tired tomorrow

me 2: but the internet

me 1: eh fuck it

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This dragon just needs a break.

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I’ll tell you what I want what I really really want

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna stop depending on other people’s approval and validation to have even close to a fulfilling life while at the same time being unable to get invested in their lives at all

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How to Care for an Introvert

1. Respect their need for privacy and to spend time on their own.

2. Be careful never to embarrass them in public.

3. When they are in a new situation, allow them to stand back, and watch what’s going on.

4. Allow them time to process what you’re asking or saying. Don’t demand an answer right away.

5. Be patient if they hesitate to find the right words – and never interrupt while they are speaking.

6. If you are going to change or cancel plans, give them plenty of prior notice.

7. Allow them to practice and perfect skills alone.

8. Correct or challenge them privately – never in front of an audience.

9. Don’t force them to hang out with a crowd of people, or expect them to amass a lot of friends. A few good friends is more comfortable for them.

10. Don’t try to turn them into an extrovert. Respect them for being exactly who they are.

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Small discoveries on productivity

Getting started, the simple action of having something to do/ wanting to do something and actually doing it, is one the hardest tasks I face every single day. 

Upon some reflection, I found a few things, I wouldn’t call them strategies exactly, just things that allow me to carry out my work, specially now that I have a full time job for the first time in years.

1. Having my own, mostly private space. 

I’m a slob, the biggest slob ever to walk the earth. I come in, completely invade a space and then pick up and leave everything bare. I need to be able to do this or I’m uncomfortable and completely unproductive. Also, I need to have privacy, that is, not having someone behind my back constantly watching me. Yes, I know people aren’t actually watching me, for the most part, but it FEELS like I’m being watched and then I freeze in panic and want to drop everything and hide.

Now that I have a semi-private space, with my own computer, my own desk and somewhat closed off, I can actually work at my own rythm, mostly without unnecessary stress.

2. It’s ok to “jump” in between tasks.

I am physically incapable of sustaining attention on one thing for too long. I get uncomfortable, I feel too hot, or too cold, or I want to kick and scream and maybe cry. 

For years, I berated myself for this. I thought I was being lazy or irresponsible, that “normal”, “productive”, “responsible” people just did the thing effortlessly and without whining. I thought I HAD to “train” myself to do this, somehow. Of course, every time I tried, I failed miserably, and then proceeded to feel like absolute shit. Also, I never got anything done.

Recently I figured out (finally) that I don’t have to train myself to do anything. This is the way my brain naturally works, I have to allow it to do it’s own thing in order to get stuff done. This means A LOT of distractions, A LOT of inconsistencies. I’ll be writing or checking emails and suddenly turn around and write something down in my journal or feel the uncontrollable impulse to go get coffee. As long as I remind myself to come back to the task at hand, I just roll with it, let the impulse come and go, and then actually finish what I’m doing.

3. Working ahead of time

One of the things that stressed me out the most was not being able to start anything because it would seem like such a huge task that I didn’t even know where to start. So I just avoided it until it was unavoidable and then did it all wrong.

Lately, I’ve been trying another approach: little by little. Of course there are urgent things that have to be done now but, if I have the chance, I mull it over a little, break it down into tiny (and I mean TINY) pieces and then take those on, one at a time. If something isn’t urgent now, but it still has to get done, I just work on it the littlest bit possible, move on to something else (work related or no), and come back later. By the time I finally have to turn it in, it’s been completed, checked, double checked, triple checked and my stress levels are mostly kept under control.

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Is it a thing with ADHD where, you want to do a bunch of things but you just can't? Like I'll want to sit and draw or talk to my friends but I'll end up pacing around the house or going on tumblr. Even when there's nothing important to do.

This is executive dysfunction: You want to do the thing, but you can’t do it. Sometimes you can’t make a choice because you’re overwhelmed by the options; sometimes you just can’t get yourself to start.

-J

Further to J’s but about executive dysfunction, this might actually also be analysis paralysis. It’s something I struggle with a lot - “I can’t make a decision because there are too different many options to weigh up and compare, so I’ll just avoid it and procrastinate instead.”

- Prue

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I’m not actually submissive, I just like having someone else give me instructions because I’m kind of a space case and my executive function is crap, so the things I trust myself to get right the first time around without explicit directions are extremely limited.

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Having adhd is less about “oh look squirrel!!” and more about when you delete your characters action in the sims and they forget what they’re doing and stand about aimlessly for a while

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Suicidal feelings are not the same as giving up on life. Suicidal feelings often express a powerful and overwhelming need for a different life. Suicidal feelings can mean, in a desperate and unyielding way, a demand for something new. Listen to someone who is suicidal and you often hear a need for change so important, so indispensable, that they would rather die than go on living without the change. And when the person feels powerless to make that change happen, they become suicidal. Help comes when the person identifies the change they want and starts to believe it can actually happen. Whether it is overcoming an impossible family situation, making a career or study change, standing up to an oppressor, gaining relief from chronic physical pain, igniting creative inspiration, feeling less alone, or beginning to value their self worth, at the root of suicidal feelings is often powerlessness to change your life – not giving up on life itself.

Will Hall, Living with suicidal feelings (via madness-narrative)

these are incredible words. I have never been able to articulate this. 

(via homoarigato)

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I didn’t actually know that there’s subtypes of BPD

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Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure with no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating socialising. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb.

Unknown (via life-with-bpd-things)

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Way too many….

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Disclaimer: I don't suffer from any eating disorders, but this caption captures a feeling I have very often.

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reblog if you have a slight or serious struggle with dermatillomania

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Those days in which, instead of doing stuff, I just sit on my bed staring at nothing for hours, not taking my meds and scratching.