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i aint built for social outings

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kissing looks fun i think to myself as if i havent kissed before

kissing someone u love, looks fun

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i wish i could play skyrim again, but i dont think itd hit the same, everythings different, i fear it would taint my fond, magically memories of it

it wasnt even anything crazy, it just connected with me with its music and world, i got invested, felt and made relationships with characters in my head, i dont know if i can bare playing it on a new platform, with a new character, seeing everything again but not the same, i dont want to ruin anything

then again on pc i could use mods, to make new experiences, do it all again but mostly its my living environment that makes me hesitant, i dont feel good here

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i mustnt sleep

if i sleep, ill sleep too long

another day wasted

but if i dont sleep, i may be too tired to make use of the one opportunity to i have each day to make it not a wasted day

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i think id like to list the issues ive encountered since switching from an Nvidia GPU to an AMD one in order they were discovered, most of which ive confirmed from various sources are due to me using an AMD card

substance painter stopped opening

vegas pro 16 crashes when clicking render as

potentially AMD related, dragons dogma dark arisen started running like ass when i booted it up with the AMD card after playing with Nvidia, however this could have been bc the card is newer and the game isnt set up to utilize the new card properly, but also it could just be AMD like everything else below

AMD relive, the shadowplay equivalent, cannot record in stable 60fps, and i think has desynced audio technically this is good because it made me switch to OBS for screen recording which is so much better than even shadowplay

blender's cycles renderer instantly crashes the program, the only fix is some plugin thing but it makes cycles rendering extremely slow

some parts of the HUD and map geometry in classic star wars battlefront 2 dont render properly, faces made up of 2 tris (as they are in like every game) one tri will be invisible, rhen var temple mod map all the building models are half invisible, and my reticule across the entire game is cut in half

wolfenstein the old blood does not run, at all, closes instantly

dice/ea's star wars battlefront 2, kamino map, every time lightning strikes, game stutters like crazy, its kamino, lightning is always striking its venator interior map also lags like crazy a short walk away from spawn, probably also due to AMD

never buy an AMD graphics card please

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i feel like if i had access to vrchat and the privacy to play it comfortably id be unhealthily addicted to it

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how do i go so long without eating

im kinda proud of it its like a skill

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i just keep depressingly playing games

idk what else to do with myself

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my room is such an unkept mess

accurate representation of who lives in it

aw hell naw this is something u would say

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im not sleeping

im not eating

im not cleaning

im not brushing my teeth some days

im not cutting my hair despite its length starting to bother me

i dont feel like doing anything

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my curse is to forever long for things im simply not capable of

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i could do anything if i had a partner

anything with them

doesnt matter what

if it was just us i could put everything else behind me

but without one

im nothing

have nothing

can do nothing

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its why im so obsessed with being independent in games

being part of a group and going off on my own, detaching and holding my own, being cool and independent

i play games to have things and feel things and do things i cant do in real life

makes more sense now

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i dont have a purpose, my purpose will come from a partner

i dont have a partner

im stuck

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thought i needed to get my life together for a partner but now i feel like i need a partner to get my life together with

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i should just kill myself i dont think its gonna work im looking at moving states bc its so unviable to live here its so daunting theres so much i gotta put in place like finding a job that pays enough and a place thats good all in the same area-man why bother, why do i need to do all this all i want is a partner why do i need to flip everything upside down just for the basic right to live in my own place to accommodate for a partner bc i can only make connections with people so far away that are in NO position to help me im the damsel in distress dammit im the loser with no goals that needs someone to love them and guide them to a better life

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ill be alone for a long time, forever even