fiercebee27-blog1

[fiercebee27-blog1]

Anxiety

I have to clean the house. I have to loose weight. I need to work out. I need a better paying job. I need to not be broke. I need to study. I need to get my life.

[fiercebee27-blog1]

Nursing now-a-days

[fiercebee27-blog1]

When a patient's family member asks for water, snacks, pillows, blankets, socks, a toothbrush, and Tylenol

[fiercebee27-blog1]

Teenager with STD drinking zithromax: Ugh, this is nasty.

ED nurse: Yea, well so was the vagina you were in.

[fiercebee27-blog1]

Night shift bingo, anyone? Winner gets a fruit roll-up

[fiercebee27-blog1]

Would have LOVED to get a picture like this of me and #Kàlí. Photos in a time of grief are so underrated.

My gorgeous boy…

[fiercebee27-blog1]

Elijah Wistan Wainwright. 27.10.14. Proudest and scariest day of our lives.❤ . Made with @instaquoteapp #instaquote

[fiercebee27-blog1]

Amen fellow #nicumommy although we may never meet I have felt your pain, held the same breath and exhaled in excitement on our preemie babies accomplishments

There are many things about NICU, both good and bad that stay with any parent for life. Here is what we learnt from Elijah’s stay in NICU…

1. Do not underestimate! The one thing you notice about a Neonatal ward is how small and fragile the babies are. Holding Elijah for the first time was...

[fiercebee27-blog1]

Pretty much how a Sunday should go

[fiercebee27-blog1]

Night weaning

We tried to wean Kālī last night. Worst decision EVER. She cried for an hour until I finally gave in and gave her my boob. To which she fell asleep within 10 min. Yes I have thought about night weaning but the thought of a crying baby as a result of it is unsavory so I always left it alone. Our pediatrician suggested we work on nursing at night so we did and I hated it, Kālī hated it pretty sure Chris hated it too. Not sure about trying it again tonight I might have to get in touch with LA leche league

[fiercebee27-blog1]

Two nights away from having a one year old! I remember being in the hospital scared/excited/pleading with god to keep her in a few more weeks, Shoot I would have took a few more days! Now my little preemie is walking. She has 4 teeth with 2more coming in. She says mom, dad, duck, hi and Sid. She knows the signs for food/eat,more and all done. She knows how to blow a horn and a whistle! She shakes her head no and crys in protest. Her favorite book is the wheels on the bus she insists on me reading over and over. She waves hi and bye. She's so advanced for being 2months premature and I am so proud of that! The dark days of the NICU is apart of her story and make her the beautiful gal she is today. In this picture she just got out of the bath and is brushing her teeth while walking around her room.

[fiercebee27-blog1]

[fiercebee27-blog1]

11month! 2 days

I am sitting here thinking about this time last year. Kālī, you were in my belly not due out until early Feb 2014. I remember having a good October because I was able to enjoy being pregnant with you and start to eat (although I was constantly worried about gaining too much) morning sickness lasted forever!!!!! But in November I began getting chest pains. Little did your daddy and I know these pains would lead you to fight for your life. I remember hearing you cry for the first time and I cried it was a sigh of relief then a cry because although you were early your lungs were "well" enough to let out your first of many belts. I remember wanting your dad to cut your umbilical cord but I also understood why he didn't want to. After all I was gutted on a surgical table. I hated that I couldn't kiss you or hold you right away but the drugs numbed the need/want/instinct very well. I remember looking at you as they took you to get cleaned up and you did look blue. You looked unresponsive your mouth wasn't open yelling for a more comforting touch then steal medical hands. I remember saying in my head what's wrong with her? But I couldn't say this out loud!!! These are drs and nurses here, they surely know what they are doing. My gut instincts were right I suppose. I will never know what happened in the x amount of hours the drugs had me away from you. Those must have been mighty strong for me not to worry where my early newborn was. I think my brain thought you were at day care, you couldn't be fighting for your life the Dr said you would be fine just small. But nursing you for these 11 months makes me regret the first hours of your life. Why didn't I ask for you more. Why didn't dad? Why didn't I demand to hold you before you went to the Nicu?! Seeing you laying sprawled out in the isolet had me once again speak in my head. Why isn't she cuddled up?! Someone grab her and hold her she's cold!!!! But the drs know best my head told my heart. Watching your chest struggle for air had to be the most painful thing to see as a new mother. The incubator they transported you in looked so big and scary. You were intubated and this lady was telling me and your daddy what to expect in the coming hours and I just looked at you. God you were so beautiful! All 3lbs 11ozs of you I loved you so much and I knew you were a strong gal. 4 rounds of steroids later. You are the best of your daddy and me put together. Being a preemie is your story, its apart of you forever and may follow into your pregnancies when you are older. And this I know you can get through because you thought yourself how to suck and breathe the most valuable act to get the leave the Nicu. You thought yourself Kālī

[fiercebee27-blog1]

October

Ok first I can NOT believe Kālīs first year is going by this fast! We have been blessed with such amazing family and friends that love her so much! On that note I would like to vent. Although they love her dearly and just want to be close to her most visits I am left being undermined as her mother. I am very laid back and easy going but I can not seem to say No or Stop to these people. Even my own blood I am sacred to hurt their feelings. This morning Christopher's sister came over because she made her a 49er tutu and headband. But she gave a parfait (something I would not do because I've ready baby tummys aren't ready for the yogurt) then she proceeds to giver her a bite of mcmuffin (which Kālī takes a huge bite and almost chokes) THEN! Allows her to sip from the straw that's in her iced coffee (Kālī knows how to use straws) so she gets some coffee as well. I'm busy trying to wash dishes so I'm not "supervising" but she's comes and tells me "your daughter is crazy she's doing x y z" I'm stuck just shaking my head. And when Kālī became tired she proceeded to whine that she's always on my boob and that she wanted to feed her. So I go and get my pumped milk and allow her to try and feed Kālī knowing damn well she wanted to boob to fall asleep. So I sacrificed her sleep. I'm horrible.

[fiercebee27-blog1]

9months later and I still get those feelings

[fiercebee27-blog1]

8 months postpartum Have a family birthday party to attend this afternoon. I put this on and looked at myself like yeah I look good! Went to take a picture to boost my ego more and all I seen was huge arms and a dreadful c-section belly. I’ve never been content with my body but before Kālī I remember being satisfied. I desperately need to get out of this perfect mom hangup I have. I nurse her, clean the house, make meals, wash clothes, try to workout go to work and take care of my sisters baby tue, Thurs and Fri. I’m tired of trying to have the flat stomach the perky boobs and a big booty. I can’t be lucky enough to be Kim kardashian who looks fab for having a baby a year ago. I want to look in the mirror and be satisfied again. Kālī woke up from her nap crying. Stopping my photo shoot before I got the “perfect” shot I nursed her hoping she would fall back asleep so I can try again. And as I looked down at her and she looked up at me that’s when I felt like a super model. Because I am her mommy and she thinks I’m the fiercest thing walking

[fiercebee27-blog1]

Marz Léon