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you dont have to be useful to be loved btw

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what’s it called when you’re so disconnected from reality that cold water doesn’t feel like anything and you can barely taste food anymore

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hm. having a CDD is very weird. this is a vent about therapists and coping strategies.

Ok, sure, I understand this is a mental illness and it negatively affects many parts of my life. It's miserable most of the time, and I don't like it.

But the alternative to dissociation for me is... what? Facing traumatic events? Experiencing horrible things without checking out? Remembering what happened? Remembering the nightmares and the flashbacks and the shitty coping mechanisms? I don't think I like that either!

I know, logically, that dissociation is unhealthy. I hate it, especially whenever it happens at a time that I don't need it, but I can't break out of it so I just spend the day feeling like I'm not real or forgetting everything. But when I do need it, it works. It makes the bad things hurt less. That's why it's there to begin with.

I think this is why my main therapist – not the trauma therapist – can't really help me. She gives me all these grounding techniques, and tells me that I should try using them instead of dissociating, but... I don't want to. I would rather be anywhere but here. Why would I ever want to ground myself here? "Try identifying and counting the number of different colors you see in the room," but I don't want to be in that room, so why would I want to spend time getting to know it?

I'm sure recovery is easier when you're not still in survival mode most of the time. But it's still weird having people tell me, constantly, that I should try to stop dissociating when the only other option is being in pain. Even if I wasn't still in danger, not dissociating means what, dealing with the memory of it? Addressing the effects of the trauma? Understanding how it broke me? I don't want to do that. I want to stay very, very far away from it, actually!

And for some reason, my therapist cannot grasp this concept. She doesn't seem to understand why I want to dissociate. Maybe I need a different therapist.

That's all. Just a thought.

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presence

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As much as I love and appreciate the OSDDID positivity posts, sometimes I want to see OSDDID negativity posts too. Where is everyone else who wants to scream until their throat is raw? Where is everyone else who wants to cry until they pass out? Where is everyone else who just can't fucking stand this? I know this can't only hurt for me.

I can't remember things at work. I can't keep track of time or days. I can't do shit. And my therapist can't even help me. My friends don't even know and I can't tell them. This is miserable. I'm in hell.

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truly who the fuck am i. where even am i. who is anyone that i know. What the hell. I am in hell

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Reminder that while we're all (rightfully) freaking out about Stargaze getting a release window (and Vash getting a backshot) I've made a small handful of Trigun-related Sims CC among other things - I've also updated Livio & Razlo's face tattoo to work with the new tatt categories introduced with the newest patch, and am (slowly) working on updating everything else as well

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reblogging as a note for me to come back and talk about this because GOD I LOVE LR But also for my system trigun mutuals hiiii

Was thinking of compiling my thoughts abt livio and razlo and how trimax handled their DID,, n I got curious about what other people who r plural think abt those guys!!! Good the bad and the neutral,,, if anyone feels like. Dumping here it would be greatly appreciated I like to hear every1's perspectives

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@funnier-as-a-system

“Could I have your name?” The Fae asked with a slightly warped smile. “of course,” You respond, returning their smile “Which one would you like?”

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one of the most important things about dissociative identity disorder and generally being a system that i wish people would understand is that it truly isn’t as cut and dry as it may seem for member count.

you’ll see people who say they have “six alters” and then immediately assume it’s six fully fleshed out equal individuals with no confusion or fuzziness regarding identity. that’s simply not true in a majority of cases, as i have seen.

most systems still VERY much deal with confusion regarding potential splits, go through dissociative episodes where they’re unsure of who they are, sometimes feel no attachment towards any identities, feel like they might have split and then suddenly that person is gone, unsure if alters they haven’t heard from often have gone dormant, not sure how to react when alters do come out of dormancy, etc.

it’s not a fun feeling and it’s genuinely unfair in certain situations to force systems to list every single alter to you with full certainty, as if it will never change. because it will. for so many different reasons, systems will grow, they will shrink, they will fuse, they will develop. you can’t expect the person with the dissociative disorder and lack of core identity to be able to keep up a perfected list of forever, it’s simply impossible. you may have alters who stick with you, but that doesn’t mean changes won’t happen.

and systems who may be reading this — please don’t feel bad. you are not a hassle, you are not a headache, and you are not an inconvenience for simply coping with something like this. it’s out of your control and the only thing you can do is continue to cope to find ways to help yourself retrain from these reactions. please don’t allow yourself to be harmed by others who don’t understand what you are going through. there are people who will accept and love you for who you are, all of you.

past, present, and future.

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having DID with a disability is basically

System: hey we have a disability. This means we should take it easy and listen to our body's limits! We'll feel better if we take care of ourselves. If we push it too much it can have a lot of consequences. :)

Alter that holds internalized abelism: this doesn't apply to me actually and also you're wrong

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this isn't a system post but I don't like posting on main blog. Lethal company is really fun and I enjoy playing it even though I keep forgetting the friends' names. they're all very sweet people but I keep mixing them up. and with that said, I'm very bad at Lethal company. I've watched a poor innocent woman be crushed to death by spikes three moons in a row.

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I wanna also say that in one of my documents for these guys, I have a written explanation on their roles and triggers but also the differences and similarities between them as people. And I like this because it feels like something that is missed a lot in the few portrayals of systems that I've seen.

There's a lot where there's no explicit triggers, either, where they kinda switch at random, and this happens, but idk, I'd also like to see an alter who shows up every time it rains a little too hard outside.

I think mainly, though I wanna be able to tell key differences between them and understand their relationships with each other. I wanna see a fem-presenting alter front immediately after a masc-presenting one and feel the intense need to change some things. I wanna see two alters with wildly different fashion senses trying to clothes shop. I wanna see the cofronting duo try really hard to come up with a compromise for what to eat for lunch. I wanna see all of these little things that are probably super unimportant to most but mean a lot to me.

So I just. Wrote them myself. And that's why Cardinal exists. Because I needed an outlet but also, because I want to see myself in a character so badly.

Also, the different alters are inspired very, very loosely by some of my own. They're definitely different, more like a jumbled around version of us, but they have, for example, the same four roles as our main four. So it's definitely more personal to me than it is to most, but I think that, like... host, "persecutor," protector, and ISH/protector is a broad enough lineup to be relatable.

hi I wanna share this fuckin' guy! this is Cardinal, they're one of my OCs, they have DID and I love them so dearly!!!!

their system has four (4) alters, here are them:

from right-to-left & top-to-bottom, they are Danny (he/they), Jet (he/him), Lex (she/her), and Wilson (he/him)!! :D

they have superpowers... they all have different elemental powers. Danny's is fire, Jet's is air, Lex's is lightning, and Wilson's is plants kinda? and no they cannot Voltron unite to control every element LOL

I've got a lot of details written for them including their childhood which was Hard To Write lemme tell you!!! I'm not gonna jump into details about their backstory due to how triggering it is but. ya! they're very important to me.

I'm writing many stories for them. I like them a lot. feel free to send asks or messages about them if you are interested bc ong I love to yap..!

p.s. for anyone new here, I have DID, and I write this character from a place of experience with a strong focus on authenticity. because everyone deserved to see themselves in a superhero.

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hi I wanna share this fuckin' guy! this is Cardinal, they're one of my OCs, they have DID and I love them so dearly!!!!

their system has four (4) alters, here are them:

from right-to-left & top-to-bottom, they are Danny (he/they), Jet (he/him), Lex (she/her), and Wilson (he/him)!! :D

they have superpowers... they all have different elemental powers. Danny's is fire, Jet's is air, Lex's is lightning, and Wilson's is plants kinda? and no they cannot Voltron unite to control every element LOL

I've got a lot of details written for them including their childhood which was Hard To Write lemme tell you!!! I'm not gonna jump into details about their backstory due to how triggering it is but. ya! they're very important to me.

I'm writing many stories for them. I like them a lot. feel free to send asks or messages about them if you are interested bc ong I love to yap..!

p.s. for anyone new here, I have DID, and I write this character from a place of experience with a strong focus on authenticity. because everyone deserved to see themselves in a superhero.

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hi ik we all know razlo as that energetic hyper-protective dude who is able to get violent in ways livio can't but can we also talk about how razlo was the one cowering and crying out for his mom here...

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reblog this to remind the person you reblogged it from that theyre loved

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Here’s my metaphor for systemhood that I tell my singlet friends.

Imagine you’re playing a first person video game. You have the controller, you control your character. It’s a normal first person game. You are an alter, the character is the body. This is fronting.

Other people live with you. Sometimes, they come into the room and sit and watch while you play. They sometimes try to guide you, give you advice on what to do next. They don’t always agree, and they can argue with each other. Other times they scream at you that you’re doing everything wrong and you suck at this game. This is co-consciousness.

Imagine how distracting it would be for people around you to tell you what to do, or to scream at each other or at you, even if they have good intentions. It wouldn’t be easy to focus on your game, would it?

Then sometimes, something happens in the game that prompts you to hand off the controller to someone else so they can play and you get a break. This is (some types of) switching. This can be good.

Other times, someone rips the controller out of your hand or fights you for it. This is (other types of) switching. And sometimes, six other players hook up their controllers, but there’s only one character to play as. So all of you have your controllers, but you’re all trying to play the same character. This is cofronting.

Imagine how difficult that would be. Imagine how hard it would be to try and play a game while someone is trying to take the controller from you, or while six other people are trying to play too.

There are also times that nobody is playing, or you can’t decide who should play. What’s happening to the character in the game? What are they doing if no one is playing? This is dissociation. The character is doing nothing. They’re stuck.

This is the best metaphor I have come up with for being a system. It’s something a lot of people get because they’ve played games before.