findmeinthecosmos

[findmeinthecosmos]

not all storms come to destroy you but boy it feels like it

[findmeinthecosmos]

i think my mistakes are all so fucked up because it’s literally the only way i #learn

[findmeinthecosmos]

i stay up all night because because because uh uh uh i feel saaaaafe #here finally

and am worried about another day

When did I lose my self and myself

[findmeinthecosmos]

for a while now my internal monologue has been different. i feel like ive run out of things to say - or have nothing to say at all - a lot of the time. i do feel quite withdrawn from those around me. i don’t know why i haven’t felt the need to really talk to people about anything in a long time, maybe ive grown to feel content within solitude. as a result, i don’t particularly have any close friends, something that would have probably really effected me to say over the last few years. but it doesn’t really anymore and i can’t exactly explain it, i’ve never really been closer with myself. which leads to me to express that i’ve actually never been more satisfied - as satisfied as one can be with oneself at any given time - in my life. i see constant beauty all around me, the colours of the autumn leaves strike me deeply. i ate mushrooms and discovered empathy and living deliberately and wholly and with great respect for the natural environment. i have become much more composed and equipped to deal with things going wrong. i don’t fight so much anymore with the fucking duality of everything. i am just trying to be present and live presently and fully. i dont particularly see my future in a suit in an office absorbed in a ridiculous and unrewarding profession. this year the beauty of the living world around me has been extraordinarily profound and rather life-changing. corporate/state greed and environmental terror makes me sick. i look at all creatures with love and seeing our mother nature be terrorised in the way she is breaks my heart. i see superficiality in everything around me all the time, the human species lost its way many centuries ago. we lost our connection to our home and each other and in the process we lost ourselves. literally everything is bullshit. normies would label me as another tree-hugging hippie but ahhh fuck you maybe they were right and happier than us this the whole time. what i’m trying to say is im ok now, i still have a lot to work but i am ok. and that means a lot to me because for a long time i just wanted to k111 myself. anthony bourdain, action bronson, alex delany, hope sandoval, loyal carner, elliot smith, adrianne lenker, beautiful food with friends & family, music, sport, literature, the stars and the sunset and the grass growing on the pavement i am doing it for you and i suppose i will add myself to that list. i am trying to be good, honest, just and loyal. i am trying to live a life that is honest, fruitful and empathetic. energy cannot be created or destroyed, everything is alive and we all live forever amongst the stars. see the good in everything, take the scenic route, say hello to people, love hard and forgive easy, breathe the air and look at the trees, they are the reason you are alive. be good to yourself above all.

[findmeinthecosmos]

nobody who has ever made me feel small and unwanted has possessed a heart or a life that i admired

[findmeinthecosmos]

"Sometimes while I ride the subway I try to look at each person and imagine what they look like to someone who is totally in love with them. I think everyone has had someone look at them that way, whether it was a lover, or a parent, or a friend, whether they know it or not. It's a wonderful thing, to look at someone to whom I would never be attracted and think about what looking at them feels like to someone who is devouring every part of their image, who has invisible strings that are connected to this person tied to every part of their body. I think this fun pastime is a way of cultivating compassion. It feels good to think about people that way, and to use that part of my mind that I think is traditionally reserved for a tiny portion of people I'll meet in my life to appreciate the general public. I wish I thought about people like this more often. I think it's the opposite of what our culture teaches us to do. We prefer to pick people apart to find their flaws. Cultivating these feelings of love or appreciation for random people, and even for people I don't like, makes me a more forgiving and appreciative person toward myself and people I love. Also, it's just a really excellent pastime."

— Dean Spade, from his essay For Lovers and Fighters

[findmeinthecosmos]

[findmeinthecosmos]

if anyone finds out when this permanent feeling of fear goes away please let me know

[findmeinthecosmos]

surely life cant only be the same unresolved thoughts forever

[findmeinthecosmos]

emotional processing is so funny because sometimes you’ll be violently sobbing on your bedroom floor over something that happened 4 years ago and then you’ll just. get up and make coffee. and go to the grocery store. and take all this fundamental sadness for a walk. and ponder the cosmic experiences of humanity while eating a sandwich. and that’s healing.

[findmeinthecosmos]

edward hopper / jenny slate

[findmeinthecosmos]

Letting go of the shame that comes with being a beginner has improved my life tenfold. At least I’m trying, embarrassment is fiction.

[findmeinthecosmos]

Ottessa Moshfegh, Eileen

[findmeinthecosmos]

[findmeinthecosmos]

an alive thing next to a different sort of alive thing

woobifytonysoprano-deactivated2 | "Toe Dip" by Giordanne Salley | "Landscape" by David Hettinger | "Sunrise" by Louise Glück | @b0nkcreat (x) | "Through the Walls" by Anastasia Trusova | "Little prayer" by @leonardospoetry | @girlweepinginstairwell (x) | @rainie-is-seasonchange (x) | "Blumenwiese bei Weßling" by Alexander Koester | @pigswithwings (x) | "The Sun" by Edvard Munch | @inkskinned (x)

[findmeinthecosmos]

teenage me and current me are both depressed directionless girls, the only difference is that current me started appreciating the beauty of the world and realized how good it is to be alive despite it all

[findmeinthecosmos]

- Evelyn Waugh, from Brideshead Revisited (1945)