finnthetroubled - Tumblr blog

[finnthetroubled]

TW: Mention of self-harm and suicide

I rarely post at all on here anymore, but I wanted to share my progress somewhere.

I never thought that I would even get to this stage of my transition, or even be alive now if I am totally honest. That's why I am quite proud to share these photos.

The photo on the left was taken in March 2019 when I was pre testosterone. At that point in my life, I was feeling suicidal and had gotten back into self-harm pretty bad. I don't think I went a day without wanting to die, or without plotting how I was going to end it because I hated being alive and I hated myself. This was almost entirely due to the impact of gender dysphoria and the distress it caused as a result of my body. The constant reminders of my assigned at birth sex within society or in the mirror killed me on the inside, and at that point in time I entirely felt hopeless. I didn't feel any hope until I paid to go private for testosterone.

When I started testosterone, it was the best thing to ever happen to me. To finally be able to see what should have been there in the first place finally appearing was incredible and actually lifesaving for me. To not have people calling me 'miss', or being mistaken for a girl wherever I go was lifesaving. Everything about testosterone saved me. There may have been some bumps in the road in getting the right dosages and finding the right testosterone for me and my body type, but all of the headaches that occurred to get my treatment was 100% worth it because I know that if it did not happen, I would not be here today.

The photo on the right is me 1 year and 2 months on testosterone. I just celebrated my 21st birthday. This is what happiness looks like.

[finnthetroubled]

I’ve said this a lot before, but it’s always worth repeating:

You’re never too old to realize you’re trans. You’re never too young to realize you’re trans. You’re never too old for hrt. You’re never too young to know you need hrt/puberty blockers. Age is not a restraint on any of this. Our journeys are unique and different, we discover ourselves differently. Hrt will always work for you. It will.

Teens, twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties, nineties, hundreds.

It’s never too late. It’s never too early.

[finnthetroubled]

Wanted to share this with my girls!!

[finnthetroubled]

[finnthetroubled]

*wears it anyway*

[finnthetroubled]

NORMALIZE! TRANS! PEOPLE! NOT! GETTING! SURGERIES!!!!!!

[finnthetroubled]

The only thing I know for sure is that I’m going to kill myself one day

[finnthetroubled]

listen i’m just gonna say it. the way some of yall act towards pre-hrt trans people is really abhorrent. we’re always either a bad joke or we’re somehow not trans enough or we’d already be on hrt. there are a multitude of reasons trans people may not be on hrt and sometimes it’s just straight up out of their control. the perfectly “passing” trans people who’ve been physically transitioning for years that are considered the face of the trans community were like us once too & if you look up to them but mock pre hrt or “non-passing” trans people you really need to take a long hard look at yourself

[finnthetroubled]

i can’t wait to be seen as the man i’ve always known was inside of me

[finnthetroubled]

TW:Depression, suicide, eating disorders, self harm

No one is probably going to read this but I guess it's better to get it off of my chest. I just want everything to stop. I want my weight gain to stop. I want my thoughts of relapsing with cutting and bulimia to stop. I want the thoughts of suicide to stop. Yet here I am flooded with the thoughts of these things. Why, just for once couldn't I be okay and free from these burdens? I feel so fucking disgusting and dysphoric and fat. I can't look at my body without wanting to make myself sick or harm it for being so huge and for being the wrong anatomy build. I feel so unattractive. I feel too disgusting to touch.

My eyes are literally burning from the lack of sleep that I've been getting. I kind of wish that I'd just fizzle out in my sleep so I don't have to cope with the dysphoria or body dysmorphia any more.

[finnthetroubled]

To everybody who is afraid to wear summer clothes because of their weight, scars, gender, etc - I love you and I am rooting for us all to feel at home and at peace with our bodies 🌷🌷🌷

[finnthetroubled]

Vent

I don't like doing posts like this but I just don't know what to do and how to feel. I haven't felt this bad in such a long time. I feel disgusting, wretched and unlovable, even though I have a girlfriend who tries her hardest to make me feel loved and handsome. For a while I've been so depressed that I've ate every feeling that I've ever had and it's caused a massive weight gain that makes me not want to leave the house because I do not pass well at all with how curvy I've become due to my weight gain. I fucking hate myself for taking my body for granted before and abusing it the way I have in the past and present through various forms of self harm such as bulimia, binging and cutting. It's killing me. I just feel so alone now that everyone has their own thing going on and I feel like I'm behind and that food is one of the temporary things that makes things better. What makes it worse is that my dysphoria, depression and suicidal thoughts are what's keeping me from making anything better. I feel like I am embarrassment and I feel so alone and friendless. I haven't decided 100% whether I'm going to die yet, but I know that something will probably push me to it soon enough.

[finnthetroubled]

tired of having tits alexa perform top surgery

[finnthetroubled]

This pride month

Don't👏misgender👏or👏deadname👏people👏because👏you👏don't👏like👏them👏!

[finnthetroubled]

I really wish. My transness. Didn’t effect. Every aspect. Of my life.

[finnthetroubled]

How to give your boobs to a trans woman who needs them more than you do

[finnthetroubled]

How to not have a mental breakdown in the fitting room every time you go clothing shopping cus none of the clothes fit you like they should.