finsterhunde - Tumblr blog

[finsterhunde]

predatory sack of shit is a degenerate about HOD and then another predatory degenerate mentions those two stupid youtubers. I am in actual hell.

[finsterhunde]

I don't even know what a healthy outlet for vengeful homicidal instinct or whatever the fuck would even look like tbh. Because I'm a pathetic fucking sensitive weak baby who feels guilt and remorse for so much as damaging replaceable shit. I have such an overpowering need to maim and destroy but I can only direct that energy towards things I know objectively deserve it (or myself lol. I fucking love hurting myself I'm really good at it too it's almost as if that's what normalcy is to my brain, raised to expect it hahaha) What kind of lobotomy do I need to get so that I can be like those fuckers who punch holes in the drywall and destroy things and never fucking feel bad.

If certain people felt even half this amount of guilt and remorse the world would be a whole lot better.

[finsterhunde]

I just had to witness with my own two eyes a post online where a mother in an extremist cult, obsessed with children despite how common child abuse is within, begging for internet “thoughts and prayers” after they neglected the youngest (barely a year old) of their EIGHT children by allowing them to swallow something that absolutely under no circumstances should have been allowed within reach of them and that could have relatively easily been avoided if they actually properly fucking childproofed a space.

And due to the doctrine of the cult she’s one of those “do nothing outside of the home, wives exist to raise babies” fuckers too which is so fucking pathetic that you can’t even do that right. Except looking it up she does have a job. Broadcasting her children’s personal lives and spreading cult propaganda on YouTube! Of course!!

Absolutely fucking seething. Kids should be taken away from this freak.

I feel ill. The kid survived after emergency surgery but jesus fucking christ. What kind of life and future is in store for those poor kids? Abused, brainwashed, and that’s assuming the incompetence of the nutjob parents doesn’t kill them first.

I guess they have the right idea by aiming for a dozen kids though. Back in the old days that ensured that at least a few of them would live past 5.

[finsterhunde]

I hope you write again soon, goodnight

thanks. I tend to vent more on my main but I still use this one for more unsavoury venting.

[finsterhunde]

just by sheer chance (and likely because the youtube algorithm is trying to trigger me at every turn) I stumbled onto a youtube video talking about Robert Maudsley and I’m just overwhelmed with the deep-seated spiritual affinity I have for him and what he did. The narrator was describing how he killed his targets and it mirrors the compulsive ruts my brain spins when the part of my psyche that isn’t pitiful and submissive actually screams for a call to action. Like when I’m having my rage shudders I think the same exact shit that he actually physically did. With the face mutilation and the smashing the head until it’s unrecognizable as human flesh. And how he saw them with his father’s face every time. That same fucking shit. I talk to people about this and they think I’m fucking insane but he understood it because he’s like me but actually functional.

And what happened to him fucking enrages. They lock him in a fucking glass box and he’s still there now and the fucking injustice of it all. He’s a hero and he did what the piss baby “law” “enforcement” doesn’t have the balls to do and it’s a testament to why I hate society and I hate cops and I hate the justice system and I hate the UK.

i know this is something I should be talking to a professional about instead of venting on the internet but due to the pandemic and all the chemo appointments I barely get to talk to my psychiatrist anymore and I know these fuckers treat you like shit the minute you admit you have violent tendencies even if they’re only directed towards things that deserve it and I’m sick of only being valid as a survivor when I’m pitiful weak small boy and if you don’t just lie down and die but actually try to rid the world of this shit they treat you as subhuman and lock you in a tiny ass box and you never have privacy or personhood ever again.

And I feel so much guilt because I would be like him making the world better if only for a little while if I wasn’t such a fucking pathetic coward hiding in my room never leaving unable to live at all independantly in any way. And I’d actually be giving the universe a reason for still keeping me alive by actually bringing some justice into the world.

And maybe with this context it might be worth pursuing the possibility of DID because this is like a separate facet that only has power over the larger whole sometimes and the rest of the time I’m complacent and weak and idk I just know that if more people in the world were like Robert it would be a better place.

It’s 2AM I really should be tired but I’m fucking electric and my back doesn’t hurt right now.

[finsterhunde]

Pro ship people: starting a psyop against other pro ship people

More pro ship people: blaming "the antis" for the psyop to pretend that they're "the real predators" or whatever projection

People who aren't fucking deranged and don't involve themselves in these shitty communities having a completely normal time:

[finsterhunde]

The paperwork my new medication came with: "in the very unlikely event you have a painful or prolonged erection lasting 4 or more hours"

Me:

[finsterhunde]

My friend had a vascular surgery and I'm so anxious for him because I can still remember the complications from my toddler heart surgery's drainage tube and stitches but I don't want to worry him with my paranoia so I'm just sitting here trying really hard to think of how he's not a little baby and medical science has advanced since the 90s.

I don't want my worry to worry him. If that makes sense.

My own planned cardiovascular surgery is so far into the future I haven't been dreading it but goddamn I fucking hate drainage tubes so much fucking hell.

I know they're nessescary but I just fucking hate them. I hope he gets them out with no issues soon.

Speaking of and probably why I'm so anxious about this is I have some random rash that's probably due to stress on my drainage tube scar, have had it since January, and I just wish I knew why I'm getting rashes on a scar that's 20 years old.

The rash started at the top of my surgery scar and has moved down so it is currently on the drainage tube scar too. So it's moved. Like wtf????

My cousin is also going into surgery to fix an issue similar to what killed my grandma and I'm worried sick about him too. Medical stuff during this pandemic is extra stressful.

Good news is my friend Fishy is getting his covid shot.

[finsterhunde]

Thought someone was crying when I was trying to sleep but it was just that ex roommate is making the most obnoxious sounds for three hours.

Shit like stomping around outside my door and performative cackling.

He's got the heat blasting too.

[finsterhunde]

I gave my roommate a bunch of financial assistance the last time I got paid with the explicit understanding that in doing so I would need him to return the favour within the last couple weeks before I get paid again because I technically can't afford to go the whole month without that money

11 days before I get paid and I'm getting hit with "I guess I can get you something small at KFC" and I feel like crap.

Fortunately he did end up getting poutine so he gave me the fries from his meal also but still this does upset me.

[finsterhunde]

I hear him making sounds outside my room and I get the panic that I got when mom did the same.

[finsterhunde]

Wannabetesla is trying to be active and commission people again so here’s a reminder that he tried to groom his own fucking cousin.

People like this should do the world a favour and end themselves.

[finsterhunde]

accidentally stumbled onto a cold case from Utah where a guy was suspected of murdering his wife and dumping the body into a mineshaft.

Found out that the police searched his computer, found simulated child exploitation images but because it was legal in that state they couldn’t arrest him for it, and then when he had monitored visitation with his two boys he tricked the social worker into getting locked out of the house without the kids and then he killed them by hacking at them with an axe and then murder suicided by exploding his house with gasoline.

My day is ruined. 

If that shit had been illegal he wouldn’t have gotten visitation at all and the kids wouldn’t have died.

Nobody who touches that shit, simulated or not, should be allowed near children.

[finsterhunde]

birth father updates:

To make things even more worse. On top of me fucking simp money giving money and having no fgucking money

I know me and my brother were talking about how he was planning to move back there. I mentioned that at some point during my “fucking hate christmas” psychosis spiral on here. But uh, more detailed information. Nope, he's not going all the way there to where they are. He will actually be closer to ME. Absolutely fucking horrific. I am at least comforted by the fact that the place he’s moving to isn’t that close to where I am, and I’m confident in the fact that he does not know where I actually live. But the point is this east coast predator trash is deciding to stink up the west coast again. Fucking bastard.

Better news: he got his drivers license revoked (finally) He was always extremely dangerous on the road and I guess after he assaulted a police officer they finally decided to revoke his white military man privledges of (relative) legal immunity. So he won’t be driving. He relies on the woman who’s only with him for presumably free drugs now to do that. or whatever. I have no clue if he groomed her or if she’s there for the drugs or what. She is like, significantly younger than him because of course. She does not seem like an intelligent person. Then again neither does my mom if you think about it. Manipulating mentally ill/mentally disabled people is his whole fucking game. But she feels less of a victim than my mom does so I’m guessing she’s in it for the free drugs and shit. She tried to groom me and my brother when the alimony thing was starting so *gestures in a mentally ill way*

He’s saying on social media about how the reason he draft dodged was so that “his kids wouldn’t have to grow up without a father.” Which is fucking hilarious because I fucking wish you got shot to death and I never fucking saw you in my entire life and my mom banged some hot electrician or something. Because you are trash and fuck you. Your existence in my life ruined everything. Fuck you. You draft dodged because you were a lazy fucking coward. You faked a medical injury and then constantly overdosed on heroin and opioids and shit

He’s also selling all his shit because he’s in the middle of a manic deranged court case that he cannot win. Like when he made my mom bankrupt trying to win back custody of my half brother which didn’t work for obvious fucking reasons. This time he’s trying to make the court side with him after he fucking assaulted an RCMP officer. (yes he is still going on about this)

And he’s begging for money on the internet and didn’t get any and he’s saying about how he wishes he could (buy himself a bunch of shit) oh and also! “Buy gifts for his kids and pay for them to go to school” Bitch what? You have never fucking spent money on us for any fucking reason. Don’t lie. Only money we ever saw from you was after the fucking alimony thing because it was child support and shit.

So now I am just extremely pissed off like on top of everything fucking else. God I am so fucking mad. Why can’t he just die already. I hope when he tries to move he gets the fucking covid.

If my mom finds out he’s going to be less than a couple days’ drive away from me she’s going to fucking flip out.

there’s the possibility that he won’t be able to afford the move but he’s a fucking parasite who always manages to do shit he wants for some fucking reason so just my luck he’ll find a way.

these fucking bastards should stay on their filthy east coast where they belong.

[finsterhunde]

Every day I find out new ways that people who make fictional depictions of child abuse hurt real children against my will.

Why is a middle-aged weirdo making call out posts against a 13 year old for criticizing their nasty shit oh my god.

You'd think that "respect real children" would be an incredibly low bar. A mind numbingly simple hurdle to jump. But this shit really causes brain rot.

I better not hear about a single new incident of "guy who draws fucked up shit is a discord groomer" or "sicko commissioner tried to groom his cousin" or "let a known groomer like photos of his nephew on his safe for work twitter" ever again. I'm sick of you all. Die.

I'm so fucking tired of this.

Why are the people who constantly claim that it's "just fiction" unable to keep real children out of it? Christ I fucking hate you.

[finsterhunde]

If you're complaining about a company posing random characters of theirs together to celebrate Kwanzaa but you have no issue with a company posing random characters together in a similar graphic for Christmas you're a fucking POS.

Acknowledging other holidays that aren't your precious commercialized mess that only exists because of traditions culturally appropriated by the very death cult that killed off the cultures they originally came from in the first place isn't "an agenda" you clowns.

[finsterhunde]

Like every other year I tried to explain to my mom as best I could (without making her realize that I don't celebrate christmas and just getting beaten over the head with it as a result) that I didn't want anything "except if she finds a stuffed dog that looks like Spot" but a massive package arrived so I'm guessing I failed.

I feel bad. Like it's an obligation. You'd think that me being reserved and specifically saying that I don't need anything would be something she'd consider polite or respectable or whatever but I swear she takes it as a challenge.

Apparently it's called lovebombing? Or maybe she feels bad about how things weren't great growing up and she wants to make up for it now?

I don't know. I legitimately don't know how she thinks. I just feel bad and exhausted because between you and me it makes me feel uncomfortable for reasons I don't really know.

Some of her siblings kinda have a bit of a passive aggressive present thing. A sort of flexing. But I don't think she actively engages in that. It's mostly something my least favorite aunt does.

I guess so much of my relationship with my mom is pretending to be christian and it's really exhausting because I'm sure you guys know by now how I feel about what is one of my more common PTSD triggers. I am terrified of the fallout. I'm such a pushover I'd rather her just go the rest of her life peacefully assuming it than suffer the stress. It's considerate to how she feels but it directly comes at the cost of being able to express my own identity.

Usually it's easier because I do celebrate the solstice which is one of the things christmas plagiarized from. But due to this year and finding out about Zippy it's just so hard.

I just wish I could say "no christmas" and have people actually respect it. Even if the people around me stopped calling it Christmas that'd probably help me feel better. But no. They gotta say christmas. I get that it's super ingrained into people but I really wish we could stick with a neutral term that isn't literally christ-mass.

I feel that with people around me doing things I've got to do things now. But since I'm not in the mood to celebrate what I actually celebrate I'm just sorta going with the motions and being like "I like when people think of me and get something. You can get me something it's okay" but then later being like "wait no. This feels wrong. I shouldn't be accepting gifts."

People are telling me that I should make this time of year a good thing, to counteract how I associate it with death and loss, but I don't think I'm ready to yet. This is my first year knowing. I feel like I'm being pushed.

I got myself a little gift for the solstice that I decided to say was "from Zippy" and to be honest I wish I could just have a little Light celebration and a comforting thought of Zippy instead of this massive corporate conglomerate that bears the name of one of my triggers.

I guess it feels like things are going to get even darker and not get better, since the end of current events is not in sight. I have to remind myself that no matter how scary things are here on Earth that the planet still turns and the daylight will still come back. That's the one thing we can depend on. That's what this time of year is about.

I know this is still way too early in the morning for me, but my bedroom being way too hot woke me up. I just feel smothered I guess.