firewolf826

[firewolf826]

Hey yo, followers! I won't bug you too much over here, but I want to share my comic project with you all-- I just launched it but have been working on it for a few years now.

Feel free to read and follow along! And if you do enjoy it, please follow me on my comic account because I won't be posting comic stuff on this account very much. Thank you for you time and support!

I’m very excited to announce that the first chapter of my story In Tune Someday is NOW LIVE! You can read it on the website, with other platforms possibly available later. The fluidity of the novel/comic is best suited for desktops and tablets but is perfectly good for mobile too! I’m looking forward to sharing this story with you and invite you to follow along. Your interest and support means so much. The story is very personal to me and I’m hoping over time, people will connect with the characters and struggles. Thank you!! 💙

READ HERE

[firewolf826]

42 hours later…. Yes, I DID spend that long on this! Mostly because I drew the whole school in the background (behind the characters, as well) and drew approximately one million bricks.

Anyway, I’ve been staring at it for a long time and hopefully I don’t pick anymore small things to edit. I enjoyed experimenting with this piece but I also am very glad to be moving on! And here’s proof I can draw more than one character, lol.

I’m going to be spending the long holiday weekend drawing a helluva lot :’D

[firewolf826]

I call this “Musical Ecstasy”. Have you ever just become entranced when listening to music? Well, Jonah does it a lot. 

It’s always extra nice when a drawing comes out exactly like how you envision it in your head… I wanted this Very Blue, as it’s Jonah’s color. And I had a lot of fun adding more fluorescent-y purple lighting, too. 

original character of In Tune Someday

[firewolf826]

Just an update on my comic... well, now it’s a blend of novel and comic-- explained above. 

your support means a lot!

Honestly it’s been a long time since drawing, and even longer since posting any art online… I don’t know what to say. My hand pain is manageable, and at best that’s all it ever will be, but finally adapting to it mentally and physically, it’s great to be drawing again. And also in a headspace that allows me to work on my story again.

By changing my project from a webcomic to a novel/comic hybrid, it will allow me to:

draw the comic scenes I really want to

expand the story in ways I never thought of doing, with writing

create many more illustrations like this one

and finish this epically long story (3 novels) before I’m old and decrepit. We’re talking 2-3 years instead of like 10-14. hah!

Anyway, if you’d like to follow me on my journey, or more so — my angsty boy Jonah, here — feel free to give me a follow. Ultimately I will be posting the story on Wattpad and my own site, with previews and announcements here, on Pillowfort, and some other places like Instagram?. Tapas unfortunately has no way to mix image and text, so I don’t know if I can utilize that platform in a logical way.

I’m hoping to be in a place where I can start sharing the story by the end of the year, at the latest. A long time coming…!

[firewolf826]

It's hard to find reasons to want to be alive

[firewolf826]

I just want to mean something to somebody

[firewolf826]

Reblogging here for my new comic account. I get very self-conscious posting art so I’m trying to force myself to post some progress along the way, hahah. So please be kind. I’ll crosspost occasionally but won't beat you over the head with it. But considering I don’t do cosplay anymore, all my artistic endeavors with be my comic, fyi. If you have any interest in keeping in touch with my progress, feel free to follow over there. I also have a Pillowfort and Twitter that will be used for updates as well. Your support is very appreciated! Thank you!

My boy Jonah has a pretty intense glare, hahah.

These are parts of two pages of the comic I’m hoping to launch late summer/early fall. It’s called In Tune Someday and it’s a high school slice-of-life drama that centers around relationships and music. There is a lot of angst, but fluff too.

I don’t post art online much so doing so makes me nervous…I guess I have to get over that, huh? ^_^; This account is where I’ll be posting progress and comic updates.

[firewolf826]

I went to look at your wig ventilating tutorial/tips but it says something about the post containing sensitive material and won’t allow me to see it. Just thought i’d let you know that people can’t see it. :)

Thanks anon, looks like it got flagged by Tumblr bots thinking it was NSFW. Hah good job Tumblr. I’ve just appealed it so hopefully it should be back up soon.I don’t have any NSFW content and the bots are so thoroughly wrong with their algorithms that it would be nice it there was a way to see what they’ve flagged?! How is anyone supposed to know? Am I supposed to look through thousands of my past posts to be sure even though I have no explicit content?? Ridiculous Tumblr :|

[firewolf826]

You’re healing every time you

get out of bed because there’s something you’re excited about.

don’t think about people who left.

clean the clutter in the room and dishes in your sink.

smile at yourself and random people.

do something kind and out of the blue to make someone happy.

work out or meet with friends even though you have no energy to.

calm yourself down when your thoughts race.

remember to drink water.

don’t dwell on things you can’t control.

do things good for yourself, even though you have no motivation.

tell yourself that you’re growing from this, and you won’t feel like this forever.

[firewolf826]

Check In

So... I got my new iPad less than I month ago, but it feels like ages. It has kind of been an emotional rollercoaster. I was so excited to have it for drawing, and well, after four days of using it, my drawing hand became very painful.

I’m no stranger to hand pain. I’m left-handed, but my right hand has been destroyed for years. It started in senior year of college when I went hard on school projects, vectoring with the (right-handed) mouse nonstop. Pain and clicking in thumb joint and wrist. I went years with that pain, and all my hobbies (sewing, knitting, gardening) and basic chores (typing, chopping food, cleaning, etc) hurt my hand. I wear braces, etc. I even eventually finally went to a hand doc and he told me I “had a loose joint” and there was nothing I could do. I wanted to punch him. Instead I went home crying.

I felt I could put up with the hand pain as long as it didn’t affect my art. I’ve never had a problem with intense pain from drawing ever in my life. I could draw for hours. Then, 4 days of using the iPad and I felt destroyed. This physical and mental road block sent me to buy literally anything I could on Amazon to help my hand. Now I’m tending to BOTH hands, and well, it’s kind of pathetic. This pain in my left hand demoralized me a bit. I want to work so hard on my comic and I feel like I fell flat on my face before really getting started.

Anyway, I’ve adjusted my workflow to improve the ergonomics (still need a standing desk situation, b/c drawing in my bed is... killing my back), been trying to be good about doing hand stretches, and am seeing a different (sister-approved) hand doc later this month. I’m trying to be proactive because I feel my right hand is a lost cause but I can recover my dominant hand and keep it from being completely destroyed. It’s just sad when something like this keeps you from something you love. I can’t even stop myself from drawing, though. For better or worse.

I have about 4 comic pages done and others in the works, a third or more of the first chapter thumbnailed. (And well, I have about 40% of the story full scripted and the entire thing planned out). I have to say, the pages are taking me way longer than anticipated. Some have taken 8 hours. Simpler ones are 6. That doesn’t include the thumbnailing stage which are fairly concrete sketches I’m bringing in, (I find I draw better on paper, plus I want to minimize my time on the iPad) which probably take an hour+ each on their own. AKA pages are taking a very long time. Whether or not they live up to my expectations or not is a different story, but. 

The other night I went into a panic attack in the middle of the night. Hello, insomnia. I was already well aware that on even a fast pace, this comic will take 10 years to draw. Realizing that with a full-time job, I can’t reasonably commit to 3 pages/week...my brain always needs to figure out logistics. I’m very cart-before-the-horse, and well, it’s tiresome. 44 chapters total, let’s say average 35 pages each.That’s over 1500 pages. Yes, I’m insane, but that’s the plan. Right now, I think I can push myself to 10 pages/month. That will be 3 chapters (with breaks between for thumbnailing) a year, puts me in a good position for how I structured the story (every 3 chapters is an arc/mini-arc.) BUT. That’s legit 14 years of constantly nonstop work. FUck me. I want to go faster. There’s so much story to tell, I want to go faster.

Eventually, if things take off even remotely at all (aka with fan funding), I’d like to hire a color flatter (know one?) That way I could produce pages faster without completely destroying my health and sanity. Am I insane? I think I probably am. 

Overall I feel very anxious. I don’t know if what I’m producing even lives up to my standard but I don’t want to be caught up in perfection (I’m a perfectionist but I very quickly learn to give things up when you need a finished product sooner than later. I can live with “good enough”). I’m hoping art-wise I will improve. That’s how it works, right? I don’t know what I’m doing with backgrounds and colors LOL.

I’m very anxious. I don’t know if anyone will care. What if they don’t? That will probably kill me. What if they do? I’m afraid. I’m afraid of someone trying to call me problematic for my storytelling. IDK why, but that’s a big fear of mine. Some of the topics and themes of the story aren’t very pretty, so. I’m very anxious.

Also, hahah, despite feeling like I have a pathway in life now, I’m still depressed. Imagine that. Still very empty inside. But my characters make me feel a little less lonely. Honestly, this story was built out of depression, so I guess we’ve come full circle. My deepest hope is that someone will grow attached to the characters that way I have. In retrospect, the MC shares a lot of my own experiences, hahah. He’s way more impulsive than me though. I hope people can relate to him, and the other characters, because it’s literally an extension of me, hahah. 

I feel alone in this, but I’m working hard. I’m a Capricorn. We live for goals. I have a goal now. Something that makes my life feel meaningful. I hope along the line, someone will care, but all and all, I’m doing this for myself. It’s something I wanted to do since I was 10 years old. I’ve always been fruitlessly making failed comics in the background. This time is for real. Somehow this was the timeline I was supposed to be on to write this story. That’s as positive as I can be about my shitty life experiences, lol. Finally, now that I’m 30, I know the story I want to tell.

[firewolf826]

 come faaaaaaster....

[firewolf826]

I've been drawing some turnarounds and therefore a bunch of angles of shoes...! Shoes are usually pretty fun to draw though finding good reference photos is usually impossible. (I actually like drawing feet even more) Anyway here is a collection of some shoe closeups from my sketchbook

[firewolf826]

I haven’t drawn in over a month as I’ve been working on story writing instead– I’m glad I didn’t forget how to draw my MC here. FYI, he is an angsty boy haha. I’ve also been impatiently awaiting the release of the new iPad, as I plan to use that as a drawing tablet. So drawing has been a bit on hold waiting for that. I’m hoping that will up my ante when drawing comic pages so I’m excited…and nervous for a learning curve. In general I’m nervous about my comic, mainly it living up to my own expectations and also hoping anyone will like it lol. Also it is very long and is gonna take like ten years to make (oops) Anyway working on this is basically what I do with all my free time now so I didn’t even attempt Inktober this year…but not because I’m not doing creative things!! 😅 I’m…trying. #webcomic #comic #originalcharacter #sketch https://www.instagram.com/p/BpcbpdEH4Rp/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1wk1qsdk01i6d

[firewolf826]

I don't really like taking selfies but I got my hair cut and am wearing a dress to work for the first time all summer because we're going out after work to celebrate my 8th year anniversary of working here. (Seriously wtf) You may have noticed my lack of presence on social media, I haven't really participated for months-- it had become overwhelming to me and overall the daily barrage doesn't make me feel good. So I have taken to casual viewing here and on twitter, etc. Sorry for my lack of interaction. Also, the hobby of cosplay in me is basically completely dead. It's sort of sad, but my desires in life have moved on. After 13-14 years, I had a good run. I kind of don't know what to do with this account anymore, tbh. Anyway, I've been working for the last 2 months on a comic, so I've been fueling all my energy into that. It's a slice-of-life high school drama that centers around music. It's funny how a story born out of depression has helped bring me out of depression. Maybe this will resonate with someone, and without going too indepth-- my entire life I've spent enormous amounts of time maladaptive daydreaming, and have made up countless stories in my head as a form of dissociation coping mechanism. Some people consider this bad, and I don't normally tell people about this, but here I am... Anyway, these stories are never meant to leave my head, but this story I have gotten really attached to, and recently I had the thought "if I like this, maybe someone else will too". I've been wanting to make a comic forever, and had convinced myself I needed to concoct a story from scratch rather than using my daydreams because they, for one, feel too personal. In any case, it feels good to feel really passionate about something, and even though it's going to take me 10 years to draw this very long story, LOL, at this time, I am feeling hyped to work on something I care about-- even if no one ever does. If you made it this far, thanks!! And I will make a few announcements about the comic when the time comes, for anyone who may be interested-- it won't be released until sometime next year though. That's all I got-- thank you... https://www.instagram.com/p/BnWqT11hDW-/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1kqp1xk9clyp

[firewolf826]

I have nothing. I’m so tired of having nothing. and it hurts so much. even when I try to do what’s in my power to give my life meaning, it falls flat.

there are three things in life that will fulfill me, I just need one, at least enough to make my soul not a purely empty void, none of them are anywhere near being attainable.

1) someone who loves me HAHAHA this will never happen, so I might as well skip this. no one ever, has apparently found me worthy enough of loving. oh well, maybe i’m incapable of love anyway. i just will forever feel empty without it. everyone makes it look so easy, and I wish I could fall in love like normal people do. (that’s the demi/ace/probably grayaro lyfe i guess)

2) have a comic this sounds like something so in my power right? apparently not. just not good enough. trying hard doesn’t matter. i drew so many comics as a kid. it was really always part of who i am. my comics were bad rip-offs of things that I like. not uncommon way to start out right lol. but i can’t write a good enough story to even get to the grueling drawing part. I want to drawing a comic so bad. i have stories. I have so many stories (lol that’s because you use maladaptive daydreaming as a disassociation mechanism ever since you were a kid) but they’re self-indulgent, for me, if that makes sense. not stories to share. plus i want to draw a story with meaning and touch people. but my comic ideas, i have bits of plot but i’m not really a writer. i don’t yet a theme or ending, etc. and i want to work on something short ideally first to get my feet wet, and i just think of these epic-ly long things. collaboration is seeming impossible. And I’m already 30. i feel like i haven;t accomplished anything. nothing art wise. my illustration, nobody cares about. sell next to nothing in my store, for years. will never get to work on a children's book or the like. and comics is entirely separate (let’s not even get into the problem of have two completely different art styles and how burdensome that is) the days are ticking, and i’ll never leave my mark on the world.

3) have a dog yet again sounds fairly simple right?? Not if you work an hour away from home and are out of the house for almost 11hours a day and guess what, you have no SO to help you take care of it so the dog’s not alone all day and you’re literally just one depressed person with a somewhat finite amount of energy and definitely a limit of free time you can’t control because you gotta have a stable job and pay those $800/month student loans and a mortgage!! but even if you suck it up and pay $300-400/month for a dog walker, since it’s conceivably the ONLY way you’ll ever logistically be able to have a dog (that dog’s gotta pee sometime!!), there;s a million other hurdles like your INSANE cat and apparently every dog you’ve ever wanted online and met in person somehow slips away from you!! It’s have happened countless times. I have been trying to adopt a dog for over a year, on and off, because I keep failing and it’s literally so emotionally taxing. there’s this perfect dog rn i want but i can’t even wait a week. i know she’ll be gone by the time i could even get to her. every time i just want to permanently give up. i’m so tired. it’s impossible for me to voice how much a dog companion means to me. but couple that with an actually rational fear of biting off more than I can chew in caring for a dog as a single human being and being completely overwhelmed and regretful and shamed that i can’t man up and do more.

(tw: attack, blood, trauma)

OH and speaking of biting off. two weeks ago, my cat violently attacked me. i’ve had her for two years and she always had small bouts of redirected aggression. a year ago, LOL during fourth of july fireworks, she started violently attacking her tail endlessly. it was traumatizing. since then she’s been on medication and doing pretty good. but summer is a trap. too much stimuli. so past 10pm, I was leaving my room, I opened the door, I couldn’t see because I’m so blind and wasn’t wearing glasses, she was right there, and she lunged at me, she was screaming, i was screaming, and while trying to restrain herself, she not only scratched and bit up all over my arms, she literally chewed the nail and tip of my left index finger off. i had to go to the ER. in the middle of the night. and pay $300. a great time.

A pet, supposed to be a joy in your life, is nothing but stress. after a relapse like this, i don’t know if i will ever feel 100% comfortable around her again. i will always have to be at least a bit conscious of any warning signs. but i literally have no idea what triggered her. and i literally just opened my door, how could i look for warning signs!? how do i know it will never happen again? I already thought it wouldn’t happen after being good and medicated. how am i supposed to feel like i can leave her alone with another animal ever? can I ever get another pet? for the next 10-15 years?? am i stuck with nothing but a psycho cat forever? what did I do to deserve this unlucky fate? a compromised person dealt an even more compromising hand? why me...?

I am healing, but my finger is real janked up. i’m afraid i’ll never get proper nerve feeling back--- in my dominant hand. i need it. i need it to draw. i can’t draw right now. i can’t lose my hand...it’s literally everything that I am. or at least, everything that’s left, that i could be. it should heal fine... i am just very tired.

i just want something. something to come home to. i have nothing. no friends even. nothing but my insane cat. before two weeks ago, i thought that could be enough for now. but now i can’t even feel good about that. and every time i see everyone with their perfect pets, their perfect lovers, perfect relationships, perfect vacations, perfect experiences, i’m just so tired and so sad. even if it’s not perfect, they at least have it. have it in some form. because i have nothing. nothing but a tumblr void to scream at. sorry y’all. everything hurts all the time, i just want to feel loved and meaningful, and that sure is proving that that is never going to happen.

[firewolf826]

I’m tired of being so worthless. Every day it hurts. it’s not even worth typing into the void about what i’m feeling, it’s the same as always, so its not like I haven’t said it before. I deleted my twitter accts last week, so i just have to yell somewhere, sorry. I should probably delete this account too because I’m never cosplaying again and just bother my followers with stupid bs like this. 

it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I’m unimportant, forever invisible, forgettable, replaceable.

it’s rough being completely existentially alone in the world. it’s suffocating. emptiness. i’m slowly dying inside

[firewolf826]

Welcome to the pinnings blog, where it’s all whale sharks, all the time. lmfao

I wanted to re-work the pattern for my 7″ whale shark plushies (and ultimately finalize the coin purses), and while I have some things to fix I’m really much happier with the results. :D 

I ALSO took this as an opportunity to make a bag strap version -

WHICH YOU CAN ENTER TO WIN ON TWITTER! Check it out here!!!

And while you’re at it, if you wanna check out our whale shark *bag* KickStarter, that would be rad! (And don’t worry… there might be a tumblr-specific giveaway coming too!)