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[firsttimeparenting]

The last couple of days have been very tough. Milk letdown is still usually fast/strong so baby splutters and coughs then ends up full of wind. On top of this, baby has suffered with congestion which wakes him in crib at night after 30 minutes. A messy breastfeed, followed by an hour of winding and soothing, only to get 30 minutes sleep before doing it all again, is hard.

Ive cried so much. Ive never felt like this before. I feel rubbish, and guilty for not being happy and able to cope better.

I think I will contact lactation consultant tomorrow (Monday) for advice. I know baby is only a month old, so early days, but I don’t want things to be this tough for us both if it doesn’t have to be.

[firsttimeparenting]

The last 24 hours have been tough. Baby struggling with fast milk flow and wind. It’s soul destroying seeing your baby so upset when trying to feed. We’ve both cried a lot. The tiredness definitely caught up with me and I could barely keep my eyes open when feeding in the early hours. I hoped and prayed for a sleep and baby did indeed sleep for 2 hours until 4ish this morning. I felt so much better. Even got a couple of extra naps this morning as Pops took over.

The love/hate relationship with breastfeeding continues. When it works it’s beautiful, and that’s what keeps me going.

[firsttimeparenting]

It is 04:37. Last night was pretty good. Quite peaceful feeds, then some restless time in crib. I didn’t sleep but I did rest, which still helps.

Always feel better when I see the sun come up. We did it.

[firsttimeparenting]

I am a new mum. It is amazing but it is hard! Your world really does flip upside down. Old routines go out of the window - and I love routine. Now we go with the flow of breastfeeding, nappy changing and winding. Sleep deprivation is probably the hardest part. I love sleep. Stealing naps here and there just isn’t the same. I feel anxious as we come to every nighttime as I know I’ll be awake and I’m not sure if the feeds will be peaceful or uncomfortable.

And despite all this, I love my son. This is what I’ve always wanted. Taking in the beautiful moments and treasuring them.

[firsttimeparenting]

My cat killed a rodent. Why do cats do this?

[firsttimeparenting]

Oh, to be there.

Some moments from tonight’s Oscars

[firsttimeparenting]

This is behind the woodland lodge that was ours for a few days earlier this month. Peace on Earth.

[firsttimeparenting]

What I liked about Her.

Yesterday I went to see Spike Jonze's new film, Her, at my local cinema in Dundee. I hadn't (still haven't) seen any trailers, nor had I read any reviews.

I loved it.

First and foremost I loved the main character, Theodore Twombly (even the name has charm), portrayed very sweetly by Joaquin Phoenix. I couldn’t take my eyes off this man – and not just because I liked his choice of eye-wear and his glorious moustache. He makes you want to cuddle him and tell him that everything is going to be alright.

As I followed the love that develops between Theo and his Operating System, Samantha, attractively voiced by Scarlett Johansson, what startled me the most was how much I felt that I was understanding both characters’ emotions:

Is this ‘normal’? (Theo) I don’t have a body so can he love me as much as he loved Catherine? (Sam)

The soundtrack to this film is wonderful. It accompanied the action perfectly; particularly during intimate moments between Theo and Samantha.

This may be only the second film (after American Hustle) where Amy Adams’ character has stayed with me. Amy is a fresh, intriguing character, with wonderful hair. I particularly enjoyed the scene where Theo tells Amy of his relationship with his OS. Amy’s curiosity is very endearing, and it made me feel thankful that Theo confided in her.

Watching this film I found that I could sit comfortably, with my glass of Shiraz, letting myself be pulled into a dream.

Go see it.

[firsttimeparenting]

Ahh.

from Agnes Grey by Anne Brontë

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All you need is love.

[firsttimeparenting]

Today

Cloudy Damp Might rain

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Surprise

Today I read a story of a girl who has polycystic ovary syndrome and has let her facial hair grow because she is sick of getting rid of it and being stared at when it would grow back.

I suppose her photo was shocking to me and I’ve just began to wonder why I felt that. Is it just because it’s not an image I see everyday?

Perhaps.

It’s amazing how society can not only make us conform, but it can also surprise.

[firsttimeparenting]

Intention v Reality

Thought - Action - Reflection Thought - Thought - Wine - Sleep

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"Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone."

— Mitch Albom

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"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

— Roald Dahl

[firsttimeparenting]

Final Day.

What would you do on your final day on Earth, if you knew that life would end tomorrow?

Would you eat your favourite foods, drink your favourite drinks?

I suppose you would do what makes you really happy.

Or you could do something really crazy because we wouldn't exist long enough to see the less immediate consequences.

I wonder what most folk would REALLY do though. Would they just carry on as normal because they don't believe that it will end?

In all honesty, I would look at the sky. And the birds. And I would smell the air as hard as I could.

After that I would gather my loved ones and I would hold them very tightly, as if life depended on it. And we would laugh. Not forcefully, but I like to think that it would just happen, whatever which way, from whatever which source.

Why?

Because nothing else matters.

Animals matter, because they share our planet. The sky matters, because it's the window to the universe beyond.

Love matters because it is the thing that keeps you alive. We work to earn money, and we earn money to help us live happily. We live because we love.

In my final day I would want to remember why I lived.

What would you do?

[firsttimeparenting]

I have neglected my blog!