fisforfreenotfailure-blog

[fisforfreenotfailure-blog]

It has been about a week since my realization that I need to focus on my own personal freedom so that I can help myself and my family.  Need to focus on free not failure.  I feel like failure is taking over but I am taking baby steps forward. Last night was a catastrophic fail in parenting as my boys were so exhausted due to lack of schedule and I just became frustrated that they wouldn’t go to sleep and yelled at them. Breaks my heart to watch them struggle and for me to get to the point that I am just yelling at them. I know, all parents yell at times but this was a fail because their schedule is so messed up that it is affecting all aspects of their lives and I was screaming at a 3 and 6 year old, which never helps. These little boys have my heart and they are not getting the best Mom that I can be and that I know for a fact.  These two have been through so much in their young lives. Mom and Dad divorced and both are re-married now, they deserve nothing but 100% love and effort from me.

I  remember when I was younger and unfortunately this still holds true today, my name should have been QUEEN of procrastination. I have always been able to meet a deadline, so why rush.  Well that philosophy on procrastinating has only led to me not focusing on what I need/want because I don’t even take the time to answer the most simple question about myself.  What will allow me to be free? I guess answering that question is going to be a slow process for me because I continuously think about it and don’t have an answer, hence procrastinating on actually doing the work to get an answer.  I am going to focus on things that I know are not what I want in my life.  I am going to write, whether here or somewhere else, to try to get my thoughts out and hold myself accountable.

I am going to focus on my health and schedule.  To be even more specific my eating habits and my family schedule. I know that I must focus on my emotional health also and hopefully writing will help with that but I am thinking that the negative thoughts in my head are the biggest issue.  I always thought it was silly and weak minded to focus on a few changes at a time but that is the route that I am going. I am never been successful with lifestyle changes and I have never really tried doing things slowly. Always been the all or nothing girl.  

When I say that I am overweight, that is the nice way to say morbidly obese but really its more like the stay puft marshmallow woman trying to find a waist for jeans.  So in an attempt to focus on little changes and to get our schedules back on track, no going out to eat and back to eating meals at home. It’s only Wednesday but hey, I have been successful so far this week. This one is a big one to me in so many aspects because I know that going out to eat is some type of emotional food trigger for me. I enjoy cooking so I don’t know why or how I usually get off track and end up eating out 5 or more times a week. 

Anyways, this 40 something is rambling again. I started this re-focus with the goal of trying to see what I needed to make myself be free but really, I know that I will focus on my entire family. My husband took to social media yesterday to express is love for me and instead of putting a smile on my face, it made me uncomfortable. I wonder if that is a side affect from my divorce with my kids father......that is a topic for another day. Onward go...

[fisforfreenotfailure-blog]

So why start this...

I failed yesterday, miserably. Failed at being a Mom, wife, friend....the whole shebang.  I had an amazing night, made some beautiful memories, and loved almost every minute of it but I failed.  Don’t worry, I am not one of those people who is obsessed with what society says or what others think, I am not talking about anything more or less than I failed in my own heart and soul.  Truly though, is there anything more powerful than failing yourself, disappointing yourself?  I haven’t had many standards for myself lately, okay maybe lately is too short of an expression of time. I haven’t had many standards for myself in about 2 years. This lack of standards became pretty obvious to me yesterday evening. You see, I went to the fair with some friends, my husband, and my two boys. There was a lot of walking, riding of amusement park rides, and of course eating of fair food.  My knees were killing me the entire time, I ate way too much, and I am too big to go on any of the rides. I watched my 6 year old son be so hurt and upset because Mom didn’t ride anything with him. I saw my 3 year old son have fun but not really with Mom. It’s like he knows that Mama just can’t do it, so he doesn't expect certain things from me. WAIT a minute, how did I get here? How did I get to the point that my 3 year old does not expect much from me?  Yeah, that realization hurt to the core. I would love to sit here and say that it was just the weight, that I am going to work on my eating habits and that will make this disappointment go away. Nope, not anywhere near that easy. This disappointment, this down right failure is a realization that I am looking for the other f word, a word that keeps eluding me.....free.  I am begging myself, crying inside, and truthfully what I need is to be free. Free from all this weight, free from these ridiculous thoughts in my head, free to put myself first, free from from ex-husband, free to be me and enjoy my life.  Now, I have no clue how to do this or how to replace failure with true freedom but that is why I am starting this. What is this? This is me trying to figure out how to get my passion for life back, how to be the free spirit that I have always been, and how to be the best that I can be for myself.   Last nights failures have sparked something inside of me that I have missed.  It has sparked a new motivation to move forward, no excuses and find out what it means to me to be free again. So this 40 something Mama has decided to write some stuff down to get if off my chest and just put it out into the universe and see what the universe gives back. Onward I go...........