#failuresetsmefree

[fisforfreenotfailure-blog]

So why start this...

I failed yesterday, miserably. Failed at being a Mom, wife, friend....the whole shebang.  I had an amazing night, made some beautiful memories, and loved almost every minute of it but I failed.  Don’t worry, I am not one of those people who is obsessed with what society says or what others think, I am not talking about anything more or less than I failed in my own heart and soul.  Truly though, is there anything more powerful than failing yourself, disappointing yourself?  I haven’t had many standards for myself lately, okay maybe lately is too short of an expression of time. I haven’t had many standards for myself in about 2 years. This lack of standards became pretty obvious to me yesterday evening. You see, I went to the fair with some friends, my husband, and my two boys. There was a lot of walking, riding of amusement park rides, and of course eating of fair food.  My knees were killing me the entire time, I ate way too much, and I am too big to go on any of the rides. I watched my 6 year old son be so hurt and upset because Mom didn’t ride anything with him. I saw my 3 year old son have fun but not really with Mom. It’s like he knows that Mama just can’t do it, so he doesn't expect certain things from me. WAIT a minute, how did I get here? How did I get to the point that my 3 year old does not expect much from me?  Yeah, that realization hurt to the core. I would love to sit here and say that it was just the weight, that I am going to work on my eating habits and that will make this disappointment go away. Nope, not anywhere near that easy. This disappointment, this down right failure is a realization that I am looking for the other f word, a word that keeps eluding me.....free.  I am begging myself, crying inside, and truthfully what I need is to be free. Free from all this weight, free from these ridiculous thoughts in my head, free to put myself first, free from from ex-husband, free to be me and enjoy my life.  Now, I have no clue how to do this or how to replace failure with true freedom but that is why I am starting this. What is this? This is me trying to figure out how to get my passion for life back, how to be the free spirit that I have always been, and how to be the best that I can be for myself.   Last nights failures have sparked something inside of me that I have missed.  It has sparked a new motivation to move forward, no excuses and find out what it means to me to be free again. So this 40 something Mama has decided to write some stuff down to get if off my chest and just put it out into the universe and see what the universe gives back. Onward I go...........