five-hargreeves-apologist - Tumblr blog

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Five: please. I am literally begging you to stop.

Me: *chugging baby benadryl straight from the bottle* IF THE HATMAN CAN'T STOP ME, THEN NEITHER CAN Y O U

Five: oh my fucking-

Me: THE HATMAN FEARS ME, AND SO SHOULD EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS MORTAL PLANE

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Me and Klaus, singing together:🎶 Everyday, its-a getting closer! I tried to stick my dick in a toaster✨️🎶

Five: why did I ever introduce you two??

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Me: *muffled from the other room* HEY,YOUWANNAMAKEOUT?!

Five: *panicking slightly* WHAT???!!!

Me: *poking my head in the room* you want takeout? I'm hungry.

Five: oh- yeah, yeah sounds good.

Me: and while we wait for food, we can makeout on the couch!

Five: *dies inside*

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Five: Why are you awake?

Me: My anxiety is chronic but this ass is iconic.

Five:.....

Me: I'm straight up not feeling very cash money right now, dude, no way I can sleep with these brutally bad vibes.

Five: Can someone translate?

Alison: She has insomnia.

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Me: *on the couch wearing a onsie and sunglasses, drinking from a gallon of apple juice"

Five: Are you ok?

Me: In a physical or spiritual sense?

Five: ...

Me: Because I am neither and I will not be taking anymore questions.

Five: But why-

Klaus: *in a matching outfit, coming to join me* You heard the woman, no more questions, dumbass.

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Me: I'm in Spain without the A

Viktor: don't you mean without the S?

Me: *visibly excited* i know what i said *starts aggressively spinning in circles*

Five: *tired* yeah, she meant what she said.

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

(I'm so glad Five is allowed to say "fuck" in the show now, he deserves it.)

Me: fuck!

Five: language!

Me: you say fuck all the time!

Five: yeah, but I'm basically your legal guardian, I can tell you not to say it.

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Bonus to this:

Klaus: wait till she finds out the pug died.

Me: *absolutely losing my mind* N O O O

⚠️possible tiny spoiler for tua season 3, but it won't actually really give anything away I think⚠️

Five: and then all the cows died-

Me: WHAT????

Klaus: yeah and also this one guy died-

Me: THE FUCKING COWS WHAT NOW.

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Me: *staring at Five*

Five: don't.

Me: I'm not doing anything!

Five: but I can sense you're about to say something annoying.

Me:

Me: according to all known laws of aviation-

Five: DAMMIT WHAT DID I JUST SAY

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

⚠️possible tiny spoiler for tua season 3, but it won't actually really give anything away I think⚠️

Five: and then all the cows died-

Me: WHAT????

Klaus: yeah and also this one guy died-

Me: THE FUCKING COWS WHAT NOW.

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Me: *laying on the ground*

Klaus: what's up with her?

Five: she wanted to be friends with the cube thing but it tried to kill her.

Me: HIS NAME IS CHRISTOPHER AND I WILL BE HIS BEST FRIEND

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Five: *wearing something other than his academy uniform*

Me: who the hell are you?

Five: really?

Me: I'm asking the questions here, buddy.

Five: we have been through this four times this week-

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Five: why are the police here about a noise complaint?

Me: (knowing full well its because I was singing opera at 2 AM because he wasn't home to stop me) I was torturing somebody.

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Klaus: *hiding behind a couch*

Five: what are you doing-

Me: *breaking things as I frantically search the house* WHO DRANK MY APPLY JUICCCEEEE

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Five: How are you people so incompetent?

Me:☹️

Five: Seriously, if you fucking idiots had listened to me, this would be over by now!

Everyone else: *angry defensive yelling*

Me: I'm doing my best😔

Five: Not you; you're doing amazing, sweetie.

Me: 🙂

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Me: I'm a hug dealer.

Five: (equal parts amused and confused) Do you mean a drug dealer-

Me: *hugging him* No.

Five: *tearing up cuz he's touch starved* oh- ok. Yeah. That's- that's cool.

[five-hargreeves-apologist]

Me: I scream, you scream, we all scream for-

Five: we all scream for our mortal souls to be saved from this hell of a planet we call home.

Me:....

Me: I was just gonna say ice cream, but go off I guess.