flareshin

[flareshin]

@lifeofkaze

Couldn't be me.

[flareshin]

I don't know what I want.

Trigger warning: This post will address an aspect of my depression. I don't want any nitpicking, pity, insults, or wannabe psychologists who think they know everything. Comments that I consider inappropriate will be deleted, and those affected will be blocked.

I want to use this blog in the future to shout out things that are on my mind, but that I can't share in my normal environment. I do not want to be contacted personally to ask "if everything is okay with me".

I'm happy to engage in a constructive exchange; please save anything else.

I had an epiphany today. A epiphany so small and stupid that I almost laughed again, if it wasn't so bitter.

I don't know what I want.

Stupid, right? You'd think a woman my age knew exactly what she wanted. And that she'd at least begun to realize it. But how are you supposed to know what you want when everything was always dictated to you. What you should and shouldn't do? How are you supposed to know what you want when you weren't allowed to try things out because you were immediately talked out of it?

On the one hand, you're supposed to be special and unique, but on the other hand, you can't stand out and be different. Even with people who stubbornly claim they're different themselves, are supportive, and would support any kind of being different. Looking back, I know what bullshit that was, and today this epiphany caught me completely out of the blue, while I was reading a book.

I have no idea what I actually want.

Because I was never allowed to think about it.

Now, there are probably some smart-asses and know-it-alls out there who will claim that I can think about it now, or even do what I want now. But these people don't even begin to understand my problem. I don't know what I want because I was trained not to trust myself to want anything. Not with banal things like "What do you want to eat?" "What do you want to do today?" (although even that's sometimes a challenge for me), "What do you want to wear today?"

I'm concerned with life decisions, things like

What do I actually want to do professionally?

I've always envied people who knew exactly what kind of career they wanted to pursue. People who are passionate about their work and enjoy it. I never felt passionate about any particular profession, and suddenly everyone expected me to know what I wanted to do professionally. This was especially strong at the end of my school years. The main thing is to get an apprenticeship first. That's the most important thing. Without a completed education, nothing works and you're lost. But education in what? I remember how it felt like everyone around me knew what they wanted to do professionally when they finished school. They did internships in these fields and gained initial experience, while the mere idea of ​​it was overwhelming.

And I never understood why that was.

Until I understood it a few years ago. I had such a passion. There was a career field I was passionate about. But it was an uncertain field, and I was told I wouldn't make it. That I would need far too much luck to even try. My passion was theater and acting. But I was told that my passion wasn't right. I could join the drama club at my school if I wanted to, but if I really wanted to be an actress, I would only be disappointed.

I might have to kiss strangers. This argument, in particular, has stuck with me because it reflects the wonderful contradiction of my debacle. As a child, the idea of ​​kissing someone was terrifying enough, but then a stranger? How ironic that, on the other hand, my asexuality was denied for years because I hadn't met the right person yet.

"To become an actress, you not only have to be very good, but you also need a hell of a lot of luck and good contacts to even have a chance. And yet, after one project, it can all be over, and you'll never be cast again. And then you're left with no money or proper training, and nothing. You don't want that, do you?"

Who would say "yes, yes!"?

That's just one example of so many aspects of my life that it sometimes just paralyzes me. And the stupidest thing about the whole thing is that at some point you accept what's being said. That you believe it yourself and keep letting yourself be talked out of your own personality. Only to realize afterwards how stupid you were and then do it again the next time.

What type of person are you actually into? I have no idea. (There was always something wrong with my crushes or the way I was in love.)

What kind of clothes do you like? I don't know. (What I liked supposedly never suited me. Be it color, cut, or anything else.)

What goals do you have in your life? Whatever comes along (because my previous goals didn't fit with the perspective of the people around me).

But what will come out of it? I don't know what I want, and even if deep down I feel like I want something, I don't have even the slightest confidence or a sense of how to express it.

And sometimes that's why I just want to scream. Scream at myself because I actually know better and know that I deserve certain things too.

I want to scream at those people who keep appearing in my life and making me feel like what I want isn't right.

I want to scream at society, which is still structured in such a way that people like me aren't allowed to first figure out who they really are and what they want.

I want to scream at everyone who doesn't support the people around them who don't yet know what they want.

The only people I don't want to scream at are those who feel the same way I do. Those who never had the chance to live what they truly want. Those who received so little support, those who were talked out of their dreams so often that they gave up on them and are now hanging in the air.

For all those whose parents were never there for performances. For all those whose dreams and wishes were never right. For all those who feel trapped. For all those who feel overwhelmed by the question "What do you want in life?"