fleurxnoir

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So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.

Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.

If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.

Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.

Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.

Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.

Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.

MATH NERD VAMPIRES

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why did america let james charles sing their anthem,,,,your anthem deserves more respect than that

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Oh btw Yzma is a golden example of a likeable non sympathetic villain. The audience knows she is totally evil and pretty much un redeemable but the writers and character designers did such an excellent job of making her so likeable and visually appealing A fucking plus

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The US Government: We investigated ourselves and found no crimes have been committed.

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They have these cars….

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i’m sorry but this is the funniest fucking thing i’ve seen all week

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“And the reason I’m so angry is because I don’t believe it’s about the preservation of life. I believe it’s about the controlling of women. It’s not about that, you can hide behind that as much as you want, and push your Christian narrative that sex is something to be ashamed of - for forcing women to (give) birth is some kind of, I don’t know, ‘good punishment’ for their moral indiscretions. You are a disgrace! You are not men of God, you are simply misogynistic wankers”

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sex - the 1975

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me: ok i’m going to sleep now

matty healy who lives in the back of my brain: one ! two ! one two fuCKING J U M P

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I live in New England, for anyone who might need help.

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Just flip ‘em!

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talking to men about music is just

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I wept working 25¢ over minimum wage at McDonalds

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