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Heute habe ich mich gefragt: Was macht das hier alles für einen Sinn?

Man gab uns Smartphones, damit wir uns verbinden können

Doch stattdessen fühle ich Einsamkeit, wenn ich auf mein Handy starre

Was für eine Illusion

Ein jeder vergleicht sich mit jedem

Nichts fühlt sich gut genug an

Will ich da wirklich mitmachen?

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I don´t know anymore

„Leaving you was hard, but not as hard as staying with you. I am grateful for the lessons you taught me but not for how you made me feel. I was so blind to see the real you. You made me believe that everything I was, was wrong. You wanted to be perceived as the best in every move you made. I could not stand above you nor could I stand next to you. I always had to stay beneath you. And I was so blind to think that this was normal and acceptable. You always made comments about my appereance. How I looked to others, how I looked to you. Whenever I would dress up and you weren´t around, you were suspicious. Always assumed that I dressed up to impress others and not you. Why were you always so self-centred? And why didn´t I see it much earlier? I left you, right? But now I am left feeling so confused. I wonder what love is. I don´t know anymore. I guess between you and me there was never real love. I was just a possession to you. You never really cared about my feelings anyway. It was more important to you how my feelings affected your feelings. Whenever I was sad you just denied it or made me feel guilty for it. What was that for? I can say that I don´t love you anymore. I never loved the real you. I loved my perceiption of you. I always saw you in a postive light. I always thought that there was something more to it. I thought me and you we get each other. That we just have to work harder on ourselves so that we can achieve a fulfilling relationship. But you weren´t on the same path as I was. You didn´t wanted to see the real me anyhow. You just wanted the admiration for being in a relationship. You always disguised your jealousy as your hard feelings, your strong love for me. And I believed you. I thought I just have to give more and more so that you can really trust me and so that your irrational jealousy slowly would fade away. But it only got worse. And even if I thought we loved each other for so long, now it feels so unreal. Everything that happened feels so surreal to me. I don´t know anymore.“

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“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”

— Lao Tzu

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Okay. Come on, then. I love you, get up, we are going to keep going. Repeat this to yourself in a mirror or in a whisper or in the shower or in a shout. I love you, get up, keep going.

I am tired too. It's okay. We will sleep in the car ride over. We will sleep on each other's shoulders. We will sleep upside down and in the laps of new friends and on the bellies of our lovers and in the hands of better tomorrows. We will sleep and we will wake up rested and we will wake up happy and we will wake up home again.

I love you, get up. It's time to write "maybe next time" on our gravesite. It's time to write: it could not kill me, I would not die. It's time to write a love letter to the sun and our one-act play and the history of our keychains. It is time to write a future where despite everything, we are finally warm and safe.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Get up. Keep going. We are going to be okay.

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“You can only grow if you’re willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.”

— Brian Tracy

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10 Tips for Developing More Confidence

1. Stop comparing yourself with others

2. Believe other people when they pay you compliments

3. Stop - and praise yourself - when you reach a personal goal

4. Relax, be patient, and accept that things take time

5. Look for the good in every situation

6. Focus on “what’s working”, and not on what is wrong

7. Laugh about your slip ups, and the stupid things you say

8. Do what you love, and what makes you feel alive

9. Hang out with people who can see the best in you

10. Accept and enjoy that great person – who is YOU.