flounderingfisherman

[flounderingfisherman]

fishy excuses

currently slamming my way through my second dirty shirley of the night in order to numb myself to the monotony of pain Ive become accustomed to. lmaoo that was pretty dark and very dramatic.  I am just so tired and have grown so impatient in this whole endeavor. like i feel like i try so dang hard and nothing ever works out?? And it has been so easy to regress back to maladaptive thought patterns that I’ve worked do hard to grow out of. Like it is so easy to feel undesirable and unlovable and honestly just ugly. In every way. But when the mature Arlo brain is finally able to gain control back from reptile brain Arlo, I am able to put everything into perspective and resign myself to the fact that sometimes shit doesn’t work out and also possibly that the universe may hate me?? And I realize that rationalizing the irrational is not the most helpful way to deal with these sorts of thoughts, but frankly, I go on a lot of dates. A lot of people message me on tinder. And a lot of times it is me, like I may have commitment issues?? But I also just think I have high standards, which ig it is what it is with that shit. Like i’ve only recently been able to really cut ties from my suuuper catholic upbringing and my very intense religious beliefs, but when shit like what happened this past week happens to me, it genuinely makes me reconsider the possible existence of a governing deity because literally how could one person’s luck be this bad?? like I must have pissed off somebody somewhere for sure. 

But anywhooo, this week I received a text from someone that ghosted me literally 3 whole weeks ago. The last text I sent them was me asking them out on a date. But if I’ll be honest, I had already ghosted them for about half a week at that point and I had honestly just texted them because I was bored and lonely lmaoo. Which I admit wasn’t very cool of me, buttt a bitch loves attention. But anyways, this person and I had connected via tinder about a month ago and basically had arranged a ~coochie consultation~ later that week. So I texted them the morning of to check in to see if they were still good for that night. They responded a few hours later and asked for a raincheck for a few hours later bc they had a lot of homework to do. On a Friday. So that was cool. But also, consent is key lmao, and I get that they were probably just intimidated bc we saw each other at the dining hall they day before and ngl, I just carry myself in such amore confident way than they do. And thats totally okay, I get it. Confidence is a journey, y’know? But at this point where I’ve made the decision to be hot shit and act like hot shit, so therefore, I am hot shit. And I know this makes me sound like an asshole, but I do think they were just intimidated and scared. But i am just soooo ughhhh. A bitch just wants someone to hold their face and maybe get a couple smooches?? Is that too much to ask for? A bithc is just trying to break into her hoe phase and past her ctaholic guilt and shame phase.  Okay so anywhooo, we didnt hookup and we sorta talked here an there for like a week and then I asked them out. Fast froward 3 weeks later to last night when I get a text at 12:45 in the fuckin morning that was like, “I am soooooo sorry I didnt mean to ghost you. But also, Im in relationship rn :0″. And that is what brought upon this questioning of the existence of god. Bc what would be a reason for one to send that text if not being possessed by a pissed off and vengeful power?? Like they were clearly just trying to tie up their loose ends and make themselves feel better. And also of course to flex on me. And they absolutely did. Bc no matter how hard I try, no matter how hot I look, nothing ever seems to work out. And i recognize that this semester is the first time I rlly have put myself out there with intention, but aghhhhh.

Sooo, zooming in on the last 24 hours: Whilst munchin on my tasty ass hawaiian za, I got a message from someone on tinder inviting me to ~cuddle ~ with them in their room the next night. Being the horny bitch I am, I of course agreed to it. And I was also honestly pretty excited bc I thought they were so cute and they seemed witty and funny, which I imagine would make for a good hookup?? Not that I would know unfortunately. Anyways, after sending me their address this morning, I got a message a couple hours later asking to post pone bc they weren’t feeling  very well. And I know that this was probably a genuine excuse because they initiated it all on their own, but I feel like there not being a reason for all this bad luck makes it that much more frustrating?? Like come hell or high water, no matter how hard I fuckin try, shit will somehow end up not happening. GARGHHHHH

And I am aware that this whole thing is very self-pitying and the epitome of wallowing, but it’s just like???? litcherally wtf is going on. 

Just a bunch of fishy excuses is all I hear

[flounderingfisherman]

A note from the middle of the god damn ocean

In case it already isn't obvious, I will be using the "but there are so many fish in the sea" idiom to describe my (somehow simultaneously tumultuous and nonexistent) love life until the dead horse has been beaten a few too many times. I am also probably the worst writer and i am quite obsessed with using run-on sentences, so buckle up for me oversharing into the void utilizing almost solely incoherent sentences. This page is mainly serving to hold me over until a therapist finally returns one of my emails, so apologies in advance. Welcome.

For the purposes of this endeavor, I'm Arlo and I'm a queer, gender-confused, and suuuper horny HWC junior who has an incredible amount of bad luck when it comes to fishin' in the 'ol sea. (**Note: I am quite painfully aware of how radio rebel-y this whole thing is, but alas, I love drama and stirring the pot, so here I am regardless)

Sit back, relax, and enjoy a front row ticket to the fucking shit show.