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[flwrxn-blog]

hakyeon + leo. lilac evokes romantic and nostalgic feelings. ( @lxtent )

SEND ‘🔺’ + A COLOR FOR A COLOR BOARD OF OUR MUSES 

Eyes that don’t want to know the past and fingers that can wash it all away Scars heal at a gentle pace; at an unreachable distance that seems to be within reach

[flwrxn-blog]

SEND ‘🔺’ + A COLOR FOR A COLOR BOARD OF OUR MUSES

[flwrxn-blog]

tagged by: @seraphicstarlight

( there is no one to tag lol )

If I were a month, I’d be march If I were a planet, I’d be pluto If I were a god or goddess, I’d be thanatos If I were a sea animal, I’d be a sea otter If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a bookshelf If I were a gemstone, I’d be a bloodstone 
If I were a flower, I’d be an asphodel If I were a kind of weather, I’d be sunny snow day If I were a colour, I’d be grey If I were an emotion, I’d be passion If I were a fruit, I’d be a pomegranate If I were a sound, I’d be the waterfall If I were an element, I’d be water If I were a place, I’d be the ocean If I were a taste, I’d be strawberry If I were a scent, I’d be dewy grass If I were an object, I’d be flower pot If I were a body part, I’d be the chest If I were a song, I’d be all in the golden afternoon - alice in wonderland If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be leather boots

[flwrxn-blog]

hakmin + blue ( @flwrxn )

SEND ‘🔺’ + A COLOR FOR A COLOR BOARD OF OUR MUSE

Well I could fight this But I may die And all I want is be the apple in your eye Well I could stay here Strap on my face Listen to the words that put me in my place

[flwrxn-blog]

Leo looked more like a predator as the seconds rolled on. It caused Hakyeon’s skin to crawl. The primal fight or flight response wanted to kick in and it geared towards run, run, run. Although he wasn’t in the best state he knew he couldn’t succumb to the idea of just taking off. He stuffed his hands in his pocket to fiddle with the loose change inside. 

Leo’s words were weird, really weird. It was as if he only meant to speak to himself-with his sentence trailing off to an end only he knew. Hakyeon could guess what he meant but that caused for a familiarity that he didn’t want to address. So instead he let it drop into the snow and freeze over. 

Hakyeon’s eyebrows furrowed. “Um...,” he stalled, “Do you really want to know?” Something in how Leo spoke to him made anger flare up in his chest. It was irrational, maybe, but in that moment suddenly fight seemed so appealing. Stay calm, stay calm, don’t get upset again, relax your fist, I don’t want to crack again. Hakyeon leaned forward as he barely caught the last bit of what Leo said. “Insult your-? What are you talking about?” 

His hand hovered between them, drifting between resting on Hakyeon’s shoulder and falling to his side. He looked like… an animal. An animal caught in a trap. Leo stepped back, suddenly scared Hakyeon would flee the moment he could.

“A while,” he repeated. His disbelief almost spilled into his voice. It had been more than a while, complete silence with no way of knowing what had happened. Leo barely had any time to think before Hakyeon pressed on. If he wanted to ask the questions reeling in his mind, he didn’t have the chance. He supposed that was the other’s intention.

Leo watched him the way a cat would sight a bird, waiting for a moment the facade would crack and he could pounce. Curiosity killed the cat. An over used sentiment, but he was beginning to see reason in it.

“It’s been months Hakyeon,” he said quietly. “I- I have been the same as always, but not busy enough to…” To not wonder. To not notice. “Can I not ask… how you are?” The words came across far more tentative then he intended and Leo might have regretted them if the ghost in front of him didn’t so hauntingly resemble the figments of his imagination. It unnerved him. 

The last thing he wanted was to push him away. Leo’s hand fell, clenched into a fist as he looked away and murmured under his breath,” Don’t insult my intelligence.” How things had changed in a single second… 

[flwrxn-blog]

This was a total fail. Seokjin should have just kept his mouth shut at this rate. It probably would have been better.. or would it? Maybe this is something that needs to be let out by the elder. There’s a mix of guilt, hurt, and the need to become defensive as well. The younger isn’t exactly which to convey, but no doubt he’ll be showcasing all of them.

“I didn’t mean it that way-” As soon as he could feel Hakyeon pull away he let go. There was no way that he was going to make it worse by trying to keep a hold on the upset older male. “I don’t expect it to change easily, I’m sorry, I just wanted to check..” Any other person and he would have snapped back instantly, but because this is hyung he’s trying not to make it worse. “Me, closed out?” Seokjin doesn’t like that this turn took a turn on him. Especially because his concern is Hakyeon’s well-being. Besides.. this is the formula for an escalating argument. It’s perhaps inevitable now. “No I haven’t- What are you talking about?” 

Hakyeon rubbed his palms even harder against his eyes. The lights from the hall pricked color into the inside of his eyelids as the pressure created a dull pain. The words spoken brought him into a state of hyperawareness. His chest felt heavy, weighed down by what has always been there. Thoughts ran a mile a minute. I want them off, I want them off, Calm down, I need to calm-He’s going to leave me, I don’t want to be alone, Take them off,  Why can’t I be normal? He winced and grabbed the side of his head.

“You go out,” he started as he roughly pushed the blankets away, “When you go out you’re always so vague. He comes over all the time. I know who you’re going out to see. What’s the point in not telling me?” Hakyeon’s face stayed calm, flat, but emotions clamped on tightly to his throat. You sound crazy, You’re possessive, I can’t breathe, You’ll scare him away, I don’t want to be alone, I can’t breathe. “You rarely even talk to me about anything that isn’t the shop or what’s wrong with me.” He looked away from Seokjin. His hand rubbed his throat as his breathing became frantic.

[flwrxn-blog]

                                 Color Moodboard for Seokjin and Hakyeon @flwrxn!

Red is a warm and positive color associated with our most physical needs and our will to survive. It exudes a strong and powerful masculine energy. However, it is also violent, ruthless, and resentful.

    “I tried, I tried, I tried, well,     And we’ll love again, we’ll laugh again     We’ll cry again and we’ll dance again     And it’s better off this way    So much better off this way    I can’t clean the blood off the sheets in my bed…”

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the elder was already smaller than him but by the way hakyeon felt in his arms he seemed smaller than usual. probably lost a bit of weight because of the recent circumstances. he’s been staying in bed a lot besides work and he hasn’t been eating as much either. that much is obvious. or at least seokjin presumed so.

“please believe me, I’ll do whatever I can to help you! you know that…” the younger’s eyebrows furrowed until he closed them shut and held the other male closer. he could basically cradle hakyeon at this point but he won’t. “tell me what’s wrong, please? i’ve been worried for weeks and i don’t know what to do… don’t close me out.” his voice was tender, sincere, flooded with the concern that wouldn’t leave for a moment. he often thought about bringing up whether they should hire some extra help, especially because he will start classes back up soon, but he wanted to figure this much out before taking any other overwhelming steps.

It was strange. Something felt wrong in his head. This constant unrest of emotions projected itself at Seokjin as he continued to speak. This feeling of fear started to creep its way up his back. He didn’t like how small he was against Seokjin, or how vulnerable the position felt. The words felt accusing, as if Hakyeon chose to be this way. Even though this was his Seokjin his emotions boiled over.

“I’ve never closed you out,” he said as he began to move back out of Seokjin’s arms, “All of my feelings have been laid bare for the past month. Do I really need to say every time that I’m depressed? Do we really need to go over how much I loathe my body? Or how I hate that I can’t have a normal relationship with anyone?” His voice sounded much more spiteful than he ever intended, but it had been too late to go back, so his mouth kept running. “You know what’s wrong with me. It’s been the same thing for all these years! I can’t just suddenly change how I feel, Seokjin.” Hakyeon sat up, blanket pooled around his waist, and rubbed his tired eyes. “If anyone’s been closed out, it’s you.”

[flwrxn-blog]

book starters [15]

                            ( HARUKI MURAKAMI ) ( NORWEGIAN WOOD ) 

“What happens when people open their hearts?”

“Nobody likes being alone that much.”

“I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.”

“Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that.”

“You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much.”

“I want you always to remember me.”

“Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt.”

“What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish.”

“All I want in this world is you.”

“I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning.”

“No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one.”

“What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously.”

“If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark.”

“I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy.”

“People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die.”

“Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course.”

“When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble.”

“When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. “

“If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well.”

“Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me.”

“People are strange when you’re a stranger.”

“The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living.”

“You don’t get it, do you?”

“I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you realise.”

“At least let me know whether or not I hurt you.”

“All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world.”

“I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die.”

“So I’m not crazy after all!”

“I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster.”

“Will you wait for me forever?”

“I don’t want our relationship to end like this.”

“When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least.”

“It hurts not being able to see you.”

“I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad.”

“The world is an inherently unfair place.”

“Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though.”

“I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else.”

“We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning.”

“Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul?”

“You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already.”

[flwrxn-blog]

@seraphicstarlight

it took a long moment for that to process but jimin could not stop himself from making a small snort, as if he might have laughed at some point, in another life. “that’s okay, hyung,” he murmured quietly, wringing his hands together. “you know… i like talking to you too, hyung. it’s nice. quiet.” he leaned back against the couch, his smile widening at the older male. “plus your place is a lot comfier than mine. i win in lots of ways.”

Hakyeon smiled lazily. His head was against the back of the couch, cheek squished on the cushion with his body facing Jimin. He hooked his legs across Jimin’s thighs and watched him. “You’re so cute,” Hakyeon said, voice missing his usual playful tone. He leaned forward just enough to pinch Jimin’s cheek affectionately. “I guess this is a mutual gain then.”

[flwrxn-blog]

Hakyeon is beautiful.

Leo has never let this thought pass his lips until now. It’s soft, whispered into quiet still air that catches the words and suspends them. He can hear them repeat even when they finally disappear. They’re burned in his mind. This sight is burned in his mind.

But Hakyeon cannot hear him. He’s sound asleep, breathing even. It’s why Leo permits himself to stare and trace his outline into his thoughts, as if he can freeze time. It’s why he feels safe in saying that small buried truth. There’s a void between them that he can’t quite cross yet and it seems one is always more distant than the other. Push and pull. Leo will pull away and Hakyeon might follow. Hakyeon will pull away and Leo may wait for days.

Right now, Leo reaches out. He knows he shouldn’t but for this one moment, neither of them will pull. And they fell asleep like this, so close that they’re almost touching anyway, heads on separate pillows but Leo can still see him. He blinks slowly, eyes heavy with the remnants of sleep and sees him clearer than he’s ever seen him before.

His hand is close enough that Leo can feel Hakyeon’s breath against his fingertips. He pauses to check he himself is still breathing. Well, just barely. Leo doesn’t want to wake Hakyeon… not like this, not when he’s actually sleeping without the nightmares. Sometimes Leo wishes he could be honest and say he gets them too. That slowly, they’re morphing into staring down at his own hands dripping with Hakyeon’s blood.

He never does. There’s a lot he doesn’t say.

He won’t wake him, but Leo still lets himself gently move a strand of Hakyeon’s hair that’s flicking out in a weird angle. If Hakyeon woke up now he’d have no other excuse.

You’re beautiful. I want to pull you close but I’m afraid you’ll run away.

When had he slipped into this? That sudden familiarity, the feeling that had led him along a path he shouldn’t take has turned into a stream and Leo can feel himself being swept away. He’ll get dragged under if he isn’t careful. But he’s always careful. He has to be. He might be drowning slowly but that’s okay as long as he takes no one with him.

He shouldn’t think like this.

Slowly he retracts his hand, turns on his back to stare at the ceiling. The silence is calm, like he’s already underwater. Maybe he is. A small part of him wishes Hakyeon will hear him as he repeats the words again. Fingers curl into bed sheets instead. When he reaches out again, this time it’s for his sketchbook. It lies on the table beside the bed, on Hakyeon’s side. As he stretches over him he feels strings snap. One by one.

The tide is too strong to fight. Even if Hakyeon never knows, even if he can keep it from him…. You’re beautiful. You are so beautiful…

He traces Hakyeon’s sleeping form onto paper with swift, silent strokes and tears the page out with impeccable care when he’s finished. And when Hakyeon begins to stir, Leo slips the paper under the pillows and pretends he’s been sleeping all along.

—

[ I was procrastinating instead of doing my essay and I had a lot of feels randomly after this came up the other day so I wrote and this kind of happened? It’s cheese and fluff and pain and I cringe so now I’m running away pls forgive me >_< ]

[flwrxn-blog]

He was already worrying for such a long time that the forced smile was to be expected. It still managed to raise Seokjin’s concerns, of course, because it confirmed them. With how close these two are it is difficult for them to hide their turmoil from one another whenever it arises. 

“I know I do…” His voice trailed off as he glanced down in a somber manner. No need to beat around the bush, huh? The younger male gave a gentle squeeze to Hakyeon’s hand as it linked with his. Upon the request he readily agreed and moved to lay down beside the smaller male. This is his best friend, his partner in crime, and his brother. Seokjin will always worry and he will do whatever he can to be there. “It’s going to be okay, hyung.” His voice was tender as his arm was wrapped over the other, “I’m here.” 

Hakyeon shifted around until they were comfortably aligned together. He wrapped one arm around Seokjin and the other hand loosely held onto the front of his shirt. Seokjin smelled of the flowers lining their greenhouse. Familiar, and yet, something felt off. He inhaled sharply then hid his face against Seokjin’s chest. 

“I...,”  he began with a voice so quiet, “It’s...hard to believe you.” The grip on Seokjin’s shirt tightened. “Nothing seems right. I-” He wanted to continue, but the words were caught in his throat.  His stomach churned with his nerves and suddenly he felt as if he could truly throw them up. Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it. He exhaled, feeling his emotions bubble up. He wanted to do something, needed to get rid of this feeling, but not with Seokjin around. Seokjin already does too much. Hakyeon’s grip tightened.  He does so much, and yet he felt so distant. 

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balancing personality flaws

Conformist     ☆☆☆☆☆☆★☆     Rebel     Naive      ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆★     Cynical Indecisive     ☆☆☆★☆☆☆☆     Inflexible   Selfish      ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆★     Self-sacrificing Apathetic      ☆☆☆☆☆★☆☆     Emotional   Fearful      ☆☆☆☆★☆☆☆     Reckless  Childish      ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆     Humorless Dependent      ☆☆☆☆☆☆★☆     Loner   Passive      ☆☆☆★☆☆☆☆     Aggressive

[flwrxn-blog]

He should've known it wouldn't have worked. It wasn't like the street was busy, and there was't a bush for him to jump into. The only way out was if Leo didn't feel assertive that day, which also seemed to be out of the question.

The idea to just dart down the road passed his mind. It would have caused more questions, yes, and it also required a lot of physical effort that he hadn't put forth in so long. At least he had the entirty of three seconds to mentally prepare himself. It had been months since he's had to pretend to be happy, after all.

"Leo!" His voice was horsed. Great, already failed step one. The snow crunched under his boots as he turned to face Leo. He smiled, the familar pull of his muscles came to him easily. He knew the smile wouldn't hide anything though. Any person, if they knew Hakyeon or not, could at least see he looked tired. How he looked to Leo, he didn't want to imagine.

Well, he knows what Hakyeon would look like as a corpse now.

"It's been a while," he said as if he hadn't been avoiding people for months, as if this was completely natural, "Have you been alright? Been busy?" He questioned the other before he could get a word in. It wasn't hard, Hakyeon was always faster to react, but he knew the moment he stopped the window of possible would be open. Leo wasn't nosey in the least, but he knew someone suddenly disappearing for two months was much more worriesome than a past they'd rather keep in the past.

Leo had stepped out of his apartment that morning ready for the cold. He’d always liked winter weather, but as a kid it had taken him a while to get used to. Now, he considered himself quite the expert. A soft, woollen red scarf was wrapped around his neck, tucked into a long grey coat. He’d never really l been fond of gloves, but he’d slipped some on despite. Leo’s hands wrapped themselves around a coffee, still hot; the solution to his problem.

Snow crunched under his feet, the surface crystallised by the bitterly cold breeze. His gaze dropped to watch their progress briefly as he walked - one, then the other, followed by the the one before it. 

Leo sighed, his breath visible, and remedied the the cold air against his lips for an tentative sip of coffee. He considered stopping for a time, just to sketch something, or maybe even message Sooyeon. But the train of thought was interrupted by a familiar sight in the distance.

His footsteps slowed. Hakyeon?

No. Leo hadn’t seen Hakyeon in months. He’d visited the flower shop a handful of times in between, only to meet Seokjin and get caught up in discussing his usual flower design. It had never seemed appropriate to enquire after the man’s friend.

Though, didn’t Leo count Hakyeon as a friend too? He looked ahead, only to see the other turn his back and blend into the shadows. Oh but that wouldn’t work. Leo was all too familiar with that type of avoidance.

It didn’t take him long to catch up. Then Leo was tapping Hakyeon’s shoulder, giving him a chance to walk away if he wanted. “Hakyeon?” he said. It was a question that could easily be perceived as just a clarification that he’d got the right person. But that wasn’t the question he wanted to ask. Where have you been? Did you not want to tell me what was going on? Why does it matter? Leo said nothing else, unsure of what else to say lest he make a mistake.

[flwrxn-blog]

@flxrjin

The ends of Seokjin’s lips curved down into a small frown upon hearing that statement. It’s been weeks- no, actually it’s going on months of him being worried about his hyung. He came home a little later than expected because of travel time after being out tonight and before going to his room he decided to check up on the elder. This isn’t the first time that Hakyeon hasn’t been able to sleep well and then there are other times where he oversleeps.

“Are you okay?” The younger florist stepped into the room and made way over to sit on the edge of the bed. A hand went out to hold the other’s in a comforting manner, trying not to be overbearing but wanting to try and help in some way. “Do you need anything? I’ll get it for you.” Seokjin tried his best for his tone to be light and sweet for a positive atmosphere. 

The question made a laugh bubble up in his throat, like bile wanting to leave his system. It burned as the humorless sound echoed in their dark home. Hakyeon looked up at Seokjin, his form outlined by the hall light that shined through the open door. He smiled. He knew Seokjin would see how forced it was and worry more, but Hakyeon couldn’t help it. 

“You know the answer to that,” he said as he intertwined their fingers together. He continued to stare up at Seokjin, his eyes unfocused. His smile began to slip.“I...,” he paused as he glanced down at their hands, then focused back to Seokjin’s face, “Stay with me.” His voice was quiet. He gulped. HIs skin began to itch, began to burn. A cold hand gripped tighter to a warm one. 

[flwrxn-blog]

( ayo kiddos. i probably won’t get to replies tonight or tomorrow but i’ll try! i might get one out but friday i should def get some done! :^)

[flwrxn-blog]

Hakyeon wants to cry. It’s something very little to most, something where if Hakyeon had grown up normally he wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But to him, it matters. Leo grabs his wrist, holds onto it, almost childlike. Naturally Hakyeon jumps a bit in shock. But- fear doesn’t follow. 

He’s always hates being touched. Not always but- he can’t remember a time where casual touches didn’t make him tense up. So when all he feels is surprise it makes emotions well up in his eyes. He hopes he blinks it back before anyone can notice. It must be the odd sense of familiarity that’s between them-he reasons. 

Leo’s face- he knows he’s seen it before, and yet he can’t bring up his past. He knows Leo feels this familiarity too. He’s too distant to be this...open with someone he barely knows. But something is keeping Leo from speaking up as well. 

For just a moment he stares at Leo's hand. He decides to smile-wide and toothy, making the corners of his eyes scrunch up. A chuckle follows as he moves his wrist out of Leo's grip only to replace it with his hand instead. 

“Let’s go,” he repeats as he pulls Leo along and out of the busy cafe.

Leo lets that ‘maybe’ hang in the air for a moment, weighing it up in the palms of his hands. It’s a request, he feels. An attempt at reaching out and making things easier between them, whilst knowing that there’s so much neither of them can convey. It reminds him of the years he first came to live with his Grandmother after the accident that tore him into pieces. There was only a few people who had been willing to reach out to him then. And of course, just as he reached out to them in return, they were taken away…

He swallows. The action holds back his emotions, which threaten to spill over his broken edges if he can’t keep them properly in check. He stares at his hands briefly, wondering why he couldn’t have left them there, reaching out. Involuntarily, they curl in on themselves, nails digging little crescents into his skin. It’s only through that pain that he can look up again, and when he does, he meets Hakyeon’s gaze and tries to tell him all the things he wishes he could; silent apology in unspoken words. 

“Maybe…” he says eventually, and feels all the building desire to speak die with the words. It leaves him devoid of all tension. His hands begin to shake, just a little, as the fingers uncurl.

He nods an assent at the next suggestion and is the first to stand. Leo suddenly can’t stand the dull sounds of the coffee shop. He isn’t quite sure why he does it, but as he stands, he reaches over towards Hakyeon, and takes his wrist as he pulls him up. It’s not hasty, nor angered. It’s gentle and controlled, with Leo gritting his teeth as he does so. He can’t look at Hakyeon as he pulls him up, but finds it strangely comforting to hold onto something. “Let’s go,” he says.