forehead451

[forehead451]

im already gearing up for a day of my sister trying not to kill me. i can tell in her expression and voice and how she's looking at me that she's holding back because we have company

[forehead451]

my moms finger is crushed by something that fell on it in the garage.

we get ice and she sits down to numb it. i go to the garage for a few minutes to look around at what fell, see if something's spilled or broken. i cant see anything out of place except the broom she had been reaching for. its a genuinely baffling situation! WHAT could have crushed her finger???

i go back inside. my sister is talking to her asking what happened. i am washing dishes.

i muse again: this is so weird. i wonder what crushed your finger! something heavy with a white top.. like a container? hm! this is so strange!

my sister: maybe stop wasting time asking questions

i say there's no time being wasted at all here

my sister: theres no point in talking about it because we cant know right now

my mom a minute later: it came down so fast! i reached out and it crushed my finger. i just dont know what it was! ow it really hurts!

me, being annoying and petty: mom dont talk about it, you're wasting time remember???

my sister: well maybe when someone's in a lot of pain, you dont need to ask questions to distract them from whats happening or they cant answer bc theyre in so much pain that they cant focus.

my sister goes to the garage. ik she's gonna look for herself

my mom asks for advil instead of Tylenol. i go upstairs to get it. as im leaving the kitchen,

my sister: so what hit your finger, was it a rock?

[forehead451]

its actually crazy being grown and watching my parents re their wedding anniversary

my mom's best friend made them a huge gift basket of store bought and handmade baked goods, card, everything. i give my dad a card to give to my mom from himself. its nowhere to be seen. my mom wants to go out for brunch and my sister worked nights so she cant go, i suggest my mom and dad go alone to celebrate as it's still their anniversary and THEIR relationship. my mom says no its no fun them, your dads gonna wanna stay home.

id kill myself aka id quit the marriage decades ago being in a relationship like theirs.

[forehead451]

nooo no no no wdym noo my dad kissing me on the forehead goodnight and then surveying my face before saying, "fairly pretty," with a curt nod before turning the light and closing the door did not affect me at all and did not make me look up the word 'fairly' in the dictionary and on google hundreds of times

[forehead451]

things that i changed or that i learned and integrated since last summer:

learned about adhd and autistic burnout

learned about abusive dynamics

practiced trusting my own perceptions as much if not more than that of others

genuinely gave myself permission to rest shamelessly now that i understood its importance

tried new medication

observed that i was not spiraling like i would have previously over broken relationships

started talking back and sometimes being a bitch

started working with the skills i went to school to acquire

did it scared without beating myself up for not charging more money after i learned more

asked for help and communicated better about my limitations

started being honest about what i actually think even when its controversial to the people im with

practiced unmasking and letting myself be weird and stimming when my body needs it

letting people think the worst of me when i know my own heart

more but. its time to eat!

[forehead451]

i realized that i was letting my trauma lead me to conclusions and wild assumptions using faulty evidence.

i dont know that she was talking about me.

she has had several friendships end over the last year. it could be any one of them.

and even if she thought that about me, it doesn't mean its true.

i just have had a huge fear of not seeing myself and my impact on others while having the exact opposite intentions. it happened once in the exact way i feared and it can happen again but this doesn't mean it did.

i was afraid with nomi, who told me he never thought that of me. i was afraid with t who told me that explicitly. i was afraid with t again and still am. i did it with r even if she doesn't know how i felt.

and if i did it with n then. im very sorry. and i want to learn how to communicate with others. and not be afraid of talking about them in case i am rejected. me sharing about myself IS my bid for connection so that they see how much i understand and want to support them. not to get them to comfort ME when its not at all needed or wanted.

i need to be brave and vulnerable and be open for them in a way that they understand.

i cant believe i am so affected by reading her blog. i wish i never did. it hurts so much even if its true. like. she was essentially saying i made her mental health worse. for a year and a half. and that shes so much better not having me in her life. i just...feel so shitty and embarrassed. i thought so highly of her and i wouldn't talk about her like that at all. but then. thats who she was to me. not who i was to her

but. she was also the one always upping the intimacy and praising me and saying things that made me open up more..

i just feel so so stupid. and hurt. and like she's right: i do make people's lives worse for being close to me.

but i cant think like that. its not true. sometimes its true but not always. i also make peoples lives better. aly tells me all the time how im the shining star in her life. so i factually know it isnt true.

i also dont emotionally dump on her daily. not that i think i was but i could be so wrong and not know it. now that all the messages were deleted. i cant even look and reflect.

i hate that she didn't just tell me. i trusted her so much to say so. but i shouldn't have put that on her and just. idk. done the safe thing and not reach out unless she did. i didnt know it would be an issue at the time.

it was really unfair. so i cant beat myself up over her experience of me.

but fuck it's so humiliating.

[forehead451]

i think one of the worst things about miscommunication is when you think UNDERSTAND what went wrong but the person is upset bc of that misunderstanding and doesn't want to talk to you and then you see that they're going through a hard time and want to be there for them like you would have been had the miscommunication not have happened but then theyd be upset if you reached out and you just have to sit back and watch them hurting and hoping that the people who can be there for them are. but. you also know if the fight hadnt happened, you would still be high on the list for people theyd want to go to. and they might even want that now but wont for obvious reasons. so. you just have to sit and wonder if you're better off not saying anything or reaching out bc then if you do, you'll be crossing their boundaries. but also you believe context matters and it's stupid to not communicate something serious that went wrong or not even try and ASK if you can help and giving them the option even if they ultimately say no.

[forehead451]

i cant believe i am so affected by reading her blog. i wish i never did. it hurts so much even if its true. like. she was essentially saying i made her mental health worse. for a year and a half. and that shes so much better not having me in her life. i just...feel so shitty and embarrassed. i thought so highly of her and i wouldn't talk about her like that at all. but then. thats who she was to me. not who i was to her

but. she was also the one always upping the intimacy and praising me and saying things that made me open up more..

i just feel so so stupid. and hurt. and like she's right: i do make people's lives worse for being close to me.

but i cant think like that. its not true. sometimes its true but not always. i also make peoples lives better. aly tells me all the time how im the shining star in her life. so i factually know it isnt true.

i also dont emotionally dump on her daily. not that i think i was but i could be so wrong and not know it. now that all the messages were deleted. i cant even look and reflect.

i hate that she didn't just tell me. i trusted her so much to say so. but i shouldn't have put that on her and just. idk. done the safe thing and not reach out unless she did. i didnt know it would be an issue at the time.

it was really unfair. so i cant beat myself up over her experience of me.

but fuck it's so humiliating.

[forehead451]

png from this post

[forehead451]

what i need to do is forget how i feel and forget about being honest with them bc its not the time or place for it and just ASK THEM what support they want.

i feel like im caught in a trap

like if i talk about it then im proving everyone right. if i dont then i just sit with it and let it fester

but im the common denominator here so it is me.

this is the fourth time ive made someone else's grief about myself. or felt like I was or worried i was. and the second time someone's said it..

am i that selfish i can't just be there for others??

why does someone else's grief make me so uncomfortable that idk how to act anymore. like i act careful then im being weird, i act normal and its insensitive and makes them think i dont care. or a conflict arises BECAUSE of the incident which is no ones fault but then im in a position where idk what their boundaries are and our relationship fails bc i said something abd it fails when i dont say something. i must not be saying the something right though.

too afraid of how ill come across so i dont ask them, i come in with an essay of preamble. fuck.

[forehead451]

i feel like im caught in a trap

like if i talk about it then im proving everyone right. if i dont then i just sit with it and let it fester

but im the common denominator here so it is me.

this is the fourth time ive made someone else's grief about myself. or felt like I was or worried i was. and the second time someone's said it..

am i that selfish i can't just be there for others??

why does someone else's grief make me so uncomfortable that idk how to act anymore. like i act careful then im being weird, i act normal and its insensitive and makes them think i dont care. or a conflict arises BECAUSE of the incident which is no ones fault but then im in a position where idk what their boundaries are and our relationship fails bc i said something abd it fails when i dont say something. i must not be saying the something right though.

too afraid of how ill come across so i dont ask them, i come in with an essay of preamble. fuck.

[forehead451]

she says id probably make her grief about myself. and she's not even wrong.

is telling someone you're here for them over and over self centered? saying how youre so sad you cant do more? messaging them too much evsn with encouragement? YEAH probably even if it doesn't feel that way!!!!

i try so hard to show people i care but in doing so im putting it on them to reassure and comfort me when im not trying to get that! AT ALL! :'( i WANT them to say what they feel. i think i jump ahead bc i dont want to MAKE THEM have to respond.

fuck.

i am self centered and i do make everything about myself and reflect everything through my own lens as a way to connect but im not achieving that at all.

[forehead451]

she is so fucking creepy. she creeps me THE FUCK out.

i hate how i know it's coming. the moment we're alone, it'll start with a low creepy laugh and a smile barely masking her disgust at me.

if there was a way to know that this is what life will be with her forever, id go no contact in a heartbeat. she thinks this is temporary. she thinks ill forgive her without any reconciliation and acknowledge from her whatsoever. she is remorseless. she does not care. she thinks she owns me.

"heh..she can't ignore me..."

"i can tell all of you what to do because i paid for all of this."

"you HAVE to help me. you HAVE to. we are family. it's your DUTY."

her disgusted, hateful eyes on my body.

how every trait she used to praise of me became something wrong with me the moment i didn't agree or OBEY her.

how she gives and gives, forcefully even, then resents me and uses my enjoyment of her gifts as leverage.

this list can go on forever. she finds every opportunity to put me down and convince me i'm irrational, delusional, pathetic. whatever love i have left for her is not love but hoping to have peace. it doesn't last. the moment i open my mouth its ammo for her next agenda.

R says that she's holding me back from reaching my full potential and thriving. i agree and at the same time, it's so hard to say that when i know she's thinking of ways for me to help myself. to make money. to find a therapist. that she'll pay for it and wants me to be successful.

but how successful. and how much if it doesn't benefit her.

i hate her. i love her. i want to get as far as possible from her. i want to be close like we used to be. this is the definition of a trauma bond.

[forehead451]

saw this tiktok where people are sharing their most obvious signs of being queer

and one of mine gotta be that i knew i was 'weird' so i avoided looking at womens bodies to extreme levels like only looking at the floor in change rooms and when friends changed so much that when i did actually let myself look at a boob, i got jumpscared because i didnt know it was possible for women to have pink nipples

[forehead451]

when you take too long waiting for yourself to feel capable, for your brain to go Online again. and when your time is up and you have witnesses...oh my god.

my whole body and balance us spinning right now like i could collapse under the pressure into a crumpled piece of tin

[forehead451]

its strange and sad to realize that your dad was the only one and the only path to try to figure out "what was wrong with you" aka finding out you were autistic and/or had adhd and trauma bc he was insistent that something was unusual about you and wanted to help figure out how but he didn't know anything about those things or mental health so he kept taking you from doctor to doctor to get blood tests and stuff to see what imbalances could be there so he could fix it

and then the combination of doctors racism and your mom teaching you to resist and scoff at everything your dad did made no one take him seriously and then no further research was done and no one asked you any questions because they assumed he was crazy

but really you DID have a lot of problems and you WERE lethargic and depressed and struggling with daily routines and tasks

[forehead451]

good sign to focus on the future

bc why did i spend my dream finding out more and more miscommunications between my ex and i? NO I DID NOT WANT A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP!!! i wss getting mad at a fake scenario in my head LOL

it did give me pause though to realize what may have really happened there though! too late ofc but damn lol