foreveryourshushu - Tumblr blog

[foreveryourshushu]

I don't miss you. I miss the familiarity of loving you.

[foreveryourshushu]

I hate that "in another universe" shit because there is no other universe. all we get is this. nothing else. and you're not written for me. your name isn't written down next to mine in the Book of life. we won't get to fold laundry together or make a to-do list that needs to get done before we head up to the beach house, I won't make you your favourite pancakes for breakfast and you wont buy me flowers on valentines Day, I wont get to tell our kids how we met and you will never see walking down the aisle to you. But god, please. if you're listening. Maybe in another universe, you would give me all that, and you would write his name next to mine. Maybe in another universe, i get to read you this poem and you can tell me that we don't need to wish for another universe cause you're with me in this one and that's enough.

[foreveryourshushu]

i will tell you that i care about you... and you'll say that you don't want to argue. how sad.

[foreveryourshushu]

this isn't even a situationship anymore, it's the goddamn war of my life.

[foreveryourshushu]

he said it was just lust; that every time he sees me all he sees is my body. how could that be? how is it that I can feel his every heartbeat and all he can feel is the way my skin feels? is that all I am? A lustful dream for him? I wanted to know his deepest scars, I wanted to see his eyes tear up at the mention of his childhood. I wanted it all and all he wanted was to see me naked.

[foreveryourshushu]

i wish i could stop feeling and thinking. i wish i could tell my brain that it needs to stop because I can't keep going like this. i cant lay for the next 100 years thinking about all the ways I will never feel the kind of love I dream of.

[foreveryourshushu]

i texted him again.

oops

Where did my self respect go?

[foreveryourshushu]

My worth does not stand on the lips of a man who can not even look me straight in the eyes.

[foreveryourshushu]

heavy on "I wanted to reach out, but I never said a thing"

you're right ms. Lana del ray I did want to but never did.

[foreveryourshushu]

I wanna text you but I know I can't, so I'm here. Again. I wanted to tell you about the run I had today and how much I loved the way the wind was blowing in my face. I wanted to tell you that I wish you were there with me. I wish you felt the wind. but we both know that I can't say that. I can't look you in the eye and tell you how much I want to wake up next to you, how much I want to scratch your back while you tell me all the funny memories from your childhood. I can't look you in the eye and tell you that I want to love your pain and scars away. I can't tell you that I want to walk with you hand in hand as you heal from all the pain you had to go through, and how I will never cause you pain. Because if I did, if I spent days, weeks, months, and years building up the courage to look you in the eye and tell you all of these things, you'll simply smile, look up, and tell me no. Because I'm not her. I will never be her. so I delete the message about the run and wind. and I tuck myself away into darkness so dark that the wind can't reach me.

[foreveryourshushu]

but never enough.

Sara Teasdale, from The Collected Poems of Sara Teasdale; "Desert Pools,"

[foreveryourshushu]

"you'll grow and learn."

that's what you tell me, but little do you know. *sigh*

[foreveryourshushu]

do i make sense to you? when you look into my eyes, am I the answer to all your unanswered questions?

[foreveryourshushu]

I won't turn cold, no matter what heartbreak or pain. I won't allow you to turn me into someone I don't recognize. I will spend the rest of my life telling myself "Stay loving, stay warm, stay you"

[foreveryourshushu]

the weather is getting nice again and I still miss you. i still think about you under the same sun we fell in love under.

[foreveryourshushu]

how much more can my heart take? scientifically how much more pain can my heart beat through? I need to know. I need to survive.

[foreveryourshushu]

It hurts to breathe. Take a breath for me. Hold me in your arms and tell me everything will be okay because you're here. Tell me that nothing will be able to hurt me except for you. Don't forget to tell me that you're gonna be the one that ends up hurting me. Don't forget to tell me that you'll knock me off my feet and watch me bleed till I breathe in my own blood and suffrage. Don't forget to tell me that you will make sure nothing will ever be okay again. Don't forget to tell me you love me. You'll always love me.