fracturedgodhead

[fracturedgodhead]

Yeah… it does that.

That “pry yourself apart and tear it out of your head” part isn’t some metaphor by the way. That’s how it works. That’s what this system makes people do. That’s what happens when you blindly put the same thing into every persons identity.

It doesn’t matter what it is you’re doing this with, there will always be a person who can’t live under this thing that they’ve only ever known as Reality. And in the end, there are only really four paths. They kill themself, they perform a kind of messy self-surgery on their own psyche which is one of the most harrowing things someone can go through imo, they life a hollow life forever under this “Truth” that’s not true for them, or the best option, they have someone who can help them correctly mend their reality, someone who’s experienced this or seen it before and can show them the problem and solution and help them walk from one to the other.

Even in the best case scenario, there’s still avoidable suffering. This thing people do when they find something that means a lot to them and mistake it for some Truth of the universe, the desire to share it and tell people that it is a Truth of the universe they need to understand and comply with or else they’ll never be happy. It’s possibly one of the most insidious misconceptions humans make.

When trans women are mocked and made into jokes in the media, I get very upset, and I am often told “Kay, you can’t go through life getting offended every time someone makes a joke.” And I sputter and object but they don’t hear me. So I want to be clear for once, about why the jokes make me angry.

I learned to hate myself for being transgender before I knew I was transgender. I laughed at the jokes in stand up comedy routines, and prime time sitcoms, and animated comedy shows, and in the movies, and in books, and in games, laughing at trans women for existing, about “men in dresses”, about people who “got their dicks chopped off”, and I learned to think that was worthy of ridicule.

And then a day came when I felt a pang of envy at what my female classmates were wearing and I repressed it, and felt guilty, and a day where I felt incomplete because I had no breasts and I repressed it and I felt disgusting And a day when I realized the only images of romance that made me feel anything showed two women together and I repressed it and I felt like a monster And a day when I realized I felt sick when I looked at myself in the mirror after every shower before work and couldn’t bear to look at my own face, and I hated myself. And then there came a day when I hated myself so much, and I thought I could never understand why, and so I just wanted it all to end. And it was just a miracle that I swerved my car back into my lane in time.

And all of it started with a joke that I heard on TV, and then kept hearing from all the voices from the ether, over and over and over, worming an idea into my mind before I was old enough to realize I was absorbing it, the idea that a man in a dress is funny, and that changing your body parts makes you a freak, and that women who have penises instead of vaginas are liars and hurt men. And they’re still making these jokes. And somewhere out there right now, just like all those years ago, there is a little girl in a t-shirt and cargo shorts with buzzed off hair watching the TV, hearing that joke and absorbing it without knowing it, who will someday have to pry herself apart to tear it out of her head, just like I did.

That is, if she doesn’t kill herself first.

[fracturedgodhead]

Woag. I think “Beautiful town, Beautiful people, No wrong exits, No bad neighborhoods” is going to be something I watch out for forever. Weird and creepy ass mantra.

Listen.

EVERYBODY knows (or should) that you DO. NOT. STOP. in Vidor, Texas. 

It’s best to just run out of gas elsewhere. Whatever you do, black folks, DO NOT STOP IN VIDOR, TEXAS. 

There’s a good chance you’ll get lynched or just come up missing - and I’m not joking.

also do NOT stop in Harrison, Arkansas!!!! (relatively close to OK and MI) a nazi town with a BIG KKK organization.

Reblog To Save Life

[fracturedgodhead]

you look great in that frog costume

[fracturedgodhead]

^^^^ real

I think it’s the classic case of a metric being mistaken for reality. “Jobless” or “unemployed” are both metrics that only go as far as what they measure. It means you don’t have a job. Any kind of extrapolation beyond that requires a ton of evidence to be valid or else you’re just saying your opinion, and even if you do have a ton of evidence, outliers exist and are still real living people even if they don’t fit the common correlation. Same kind of situation as test scoring.

it fucking sucks being a disabled person who can't work and having to see these fuckass posts where someone's like "ahaha jobless people have no life and that's why everyone shitty online has No Job" and everyone and their mother reblogs it joyfully onto my dash for me to see. yes unemployed and unemployable people are truly without exception dogshit people with no hobbies and no redeeming qualities. you're so right. anyway if you'll excuse me i have to start my shift at the I'll Never Be Employed Because Of Permanent Disability And I Love Knowing How You Really See Me store

[fracturedgodhead]

In an effort to manifest the ideal anarcho-communist society I want to exist, I’m going to start interpreting every post interacting with animals as being in a post human-exploitation world.

You, are a human hobbit who went on a journey to a nearby coast on a whim and I am reading about these events from an email sent over 200kbps satellite connection on a network put in high earth orbit with reusable space shuttles on carbon neutral fuel.

It's honestly amazing how easily life offers you side quests when you've got your eyes open for loose threads and enough free time to start pulling on it. Today we learned just how unbelievably, implausibly easy it is to snatch a baby seagull.

[fracturedgodhead]

1. Yes, so many. I’ve never been able to leave an insect bite or scratch alone, so every single one (yes all of them) ended up becoming scars.

2. Also yes. Not really that ashamed of it. I don’t anymore, but I probably will in the future. For me self-harm was art when I was too anxious to practice anything else. I always cut with some kind of design in mind.

3. I’ve had one real crush ever and I think it’s the strongest proof that I’m demiromantic. She was this trans girl that publicly transitioned in Georgia in 2021 or 22. Went insane over her and proceeded to not do anything about it bc I felt like a chaser.

4. No* kissed someone on the forehead once, but that’s it 😭

5. I yearn for the day when an economic entity has no relation to the personality of an individual. When the common man breaks the chains of capital and ownership and the land is returned to itself as it should be.

…

Coke.

6. My Sister and Mom

7. I have a few, but they’re not on here, and I’m not gonna doxx my freinds ;P

8. Yes. I’ve tried vodka, sake, soju, like two kinds of beer, rubbing alcohol (a fraction of a sip at a time lol) and champagne once (the champagne was gross). In terms on non-alcohol substances, I’ve only done edibles (a cannabinoid blend) and nicotine stuff. I intend to try shrooms sometime kind of soon and lsd one day. Oh also dph (at recreational drug levels).

9. Idk, not a job probably. I want to help people as much as I can and frankly I see the economic system as a bottleneck or barrier rather than a medium to accomplish what I want. I’m going to school for computer science though.

10. Eh? Not really I don’t think. See question 3. That’s about the closest I’ve gotten.

11. Jesus, uh… sometime last year I think? Trust me, it’s not because things have been great, I just really struggle to be vulnerable… ever. I’d much rather cry myself to sleep every night than what I do now. Even when I was self-harming I rarely actually cried.

12. I think I like navy

13. 5’ 10” or 11” I haven’t checked in a while

14. Hrmmmm fine, November 6, 2003

15. Brown

16. Brown, but I wanna dye it

17. I forgot? I guess??? Idk, for now nothing, I’m trying to figure it out.

18. Nothing in particular. Maybe myself? That’s kind of what I’m the most focused on these days. That guy’s (gender-neutral) got problems.

19. Once the wish is made, all knowledge of it is erased. For the next 250 years, every human alive and born has eternal vitality, and biologically ages asymptotically towards hmmmm… 30 years old.

Eternal vitality means that you never get seriously ill and slowly recover from any injury (as long as you didn’t die). You also get greatly enhanced energy, focus, and stamina (though not unlimited, if you go like 30 hours without eating or sleeping you’ll start to flag a bit). Sleep and the circadian rhythm still exist.

Asymptotic aging means your biological age progresses towards whatever the asymptote is at a speed inversely proportional to your distance from that age, so at biological 20, you’re 10 years from 30, so let’s arbitrarily say you age at half a biological year per chronological year, and at 25, 5 years away you age at a quarter of a biological year per year. This also works in reverse. People over 30 age backwards towards 30.

The age you progress towards is genetic, but everyone alive at time of wishing gets set to 30.

I just wanna see what would happen :3

20. Hard question to answer… maybe. I care a lot about a lot of people, but I don’t- wait ya… there’s a dumbass I love… damn it.

21. Hug. I could use one TT

22. Lesshi or Leoshi? They’re more like mispronunciations of my preferred name, but I kinda like them lol

23. Right now probably actually Birdbrain bc new

24. Seeeecun (I type a different number of e’s each time bc idk) is pretty cool atm. I didn’t know J-goth was a genre until I heard ヘイトマン.

25. Died.

26. Moved out, although, right now, as I’m still in the thick of it all, it doesn’t feel so great.

25. Okay I’ll elaborate. I had a hallucination over a year ago now (crazy how much time has passed) where I lived out the last ~5 minutes or so of death by suicide in about 5 seconds of real time. The method was specifically slit wrists (and in a bathtub, and I hadn’t seen and didn’t know anything about thirteen reasons why at this point which is weird) and I will never forget the special kind of cold that comes from most of your blood being out of your body. Cold isn’t even the right word, it’s like… a reduced capacity for the intrinsic warmth of life. Like being warmed up wouldn’t even help because you don’t have the space for it to be meaningful.

Anyways, horrors aside, back to the questions.

27. Magically? I’d want to be a shapeshifter, or at least chameleon skin or something. A lot of money? Transition and probably some plastic surgery to look androgynous. Practically? I wanna learn how to cut my hair and do makeup.

28. Ya, it was alright. She was a depressed queer in Georgia, and I was an emotionally absent and immature egg. Also, we were both still in high school. It didn’t last a year lol

29. Hard to answer… the top 10 “worsts” in my life weren’t really things I did, or at least I didn’t really have a choice in them? Most of them were circumstances where I had no power. I guess I wish I had come out to myself sooner lol. My worst mistake was years of repression.

30. Read the book then watch the movie and don’t get uppity about your reading of the book. The director also read the book (unless they didn’t) and the movie is a conversation between you and the director about the book, the same you’d have at a book club except the director can’t hear you. It’s a vividly and explicitly rendered *interpretation* of the original work, and if you treat it as such, you can get a lot out of both.

31. Yes, re: question 3

32. Now we’re getting to the hard questions. I could talk about the shows I like forever, but I think Serial Experiments Lain is my all time favorite. I desperately need to rewatch it.

33. Honestly not really? I have plenty of good days, but days where a whole bunch of good stuff happens tend to burn me out and just aren’t worth it. Even moving out was kind of a mid day, there was a whole bunch of paperwork, it was raining, I ended up having to move in the heaviest stuff on my own, and I had class the next day. All that to say I much prefer a just okay day over some phenomenal euphoria explosion of a day, and I’ve had plenty of those just okay days. It’s fun when I get to make something by the end of the day. Whether it be a school assignment, creative project, or a new recipe, it’s nice to have an end product lol.

34. Idk lol. I lost the ability to introspect (or even see my own face in the mirror sometimes) after that whole thing a year and a half ago now. I barely even have an inner monologue. It’s not as bad as it sounds though. Anxiety is virtually impossible. Maybe that’s a talent lol.

35. Yes and no? Like I said earlier, a lot of the bad things that happened to me were beyond any reasonable ability for me to control. I suppose I wish I had been more into the scene side of stuff as a kid instead of like idk, repressing suicidal thoughts in elementary school and being lonely.

36. I am currently smoking a cigarette.

37. Well aside from actually experiencing death, I’ve fallen down a cliff, fell out of a tree (20-30 feet or so) hit myself with an axe, and been attacked by 3 different dogs larger than me before I was 10, so ya probably I guess.

38. No one person, but between like 5 different locations I can say whatever I need to get out. I suppose I’m saying just about anything and everything here…

39. Dad died when I was 10

40. Ye. I don’t think I’d ever experience the whole “love at first sight” thing and it’s exceptionally rare at best, but love is definitely real.

41. re: question 6

42. Hrrmmmm… ya I think so. Better than I’ve ever been before for sure, but that’s a pretty low bar lol.

43. Single, and probably need a bit before I’m ready for a romantic relationship. I’m dtf tho ;3

Jesus christ this is a lot. Really fun to get it out though lol. This might end up being my pinned post on my blog as like… a me info thing.

Thanks @in-your-wall-s for forcefully gutting me and splaying my mangled form across your marble altar /silly

You wanna find out some personal shit?

[fracturedgodhead]

Yes actually. I don’t know the theory, but the software is called origamizer.

If you make your super cool dream origami (or anything really) I’d love to see <3

Had a dream we tried to express our relational network geometry as an origami sheet. We (in the dream) tried folding it all together freestyle, but unexpected peaks and troughs appeared in between the intended ones across the folded surface (so, were they errors, or were they discoveries?).

Is there a standard algorithm to convert any 3D model to origami instructions? Presumably the complexity of the object and irregularity of the angles, determines how many folds are needed, and at some point the paper thickness becomes prohobitive - but without physical paper, if it was all done in CAD, or with very thin paper, maybe there's a way.

We have seen a book on knots and folds, but it was ~300 GBP, 2000 pages, and only gives a brief summary of the properties of each type of surface. Presumably a metaanalysis of deeper papers (2000 x ~16 pages = 32,000 pages).

[fracturedgodhead]

!!didn’t know there was terminology for this but !!!!!exactly!!

I love weirdcore images that say shit like "The person you're looking for no longer exists" and "These memories are not mine but I'm happy to take them" because that's what being a system who's core is gone feels like.

[fracturedgodhead]

^^^ impact play

I think it would be incredibly emotionally fulfilling to hit someone in the back of the head really hard with a shovel

[fracturedgodhead]

Day late but I still detest this country sooo…

Today is the day to post this

[fracturedgodhead]

I don’t know how to do image alts properly but:

[alt: a flag of purple and pink stripes on the top and bottom respectively with a white stripe that appears torn between the two and a few white bubbles in the bottom left and top right. In the center is a white circle with a pink background covered in dots, with a white lightbulb containing a brain split down the middle in place of its glowing element.]

Kinda long, also not formatted properly, but the content is there - w -

Rift.

An umbrella term for anyone "in-between" being a system / plural, and being a singlet, who's uncomfortable with labeling themselves as either of said two at the same time. Mainly meant for "work in progress" willogenics who don't feel like calling themselves plural just yet, but anyone who fits the definition can use it.

Since the original flag is pretty bright, I also made a more faded one, as seen above. Too low on energy to make anything else (including image description.) help would be appreciated.

[fracturedgodhead]

This generates a very mix of feelings for me. It’s really cool and cute and I’m so curious about what petting an animal with an endoskeleton would be like (I imagine you’d just kinda knock on it? Cos they don’t have nerve endings in the endoskeleton?)… but at the same time, I’m allergic to insect stings, so anything with a stinger would be like a Komodo dragon or black mamba or something.

I love the idea though. Really is beautiful.

glimpse into my beautiful imaginary world where arthropods are really big and we domesticated them

edit: people are starting to say some "my worst nightmare" or "eeeww no that one is yucky and scary" comments on this like they do on any bug post and id like to say. it's fine if you don't like bugs it's fine if you're scared of bugs but don't put that on MY post clearly talking about how much i like them and how cute i think they are. you can make your own damn post about how much you hate wasps or spiders or whatever. i'm blocking people who make these kinds of comments.

[fracturedgodhead]

It’s more or less the same as fascism no? All these operators put in positions they’re not needed or wanted for the key purpose of benefiting a system that aims to control and take as much as possible from you. Enforced and insisted upon by the system with no regard for the people these changes affect.

It’s literally social corruption. A social ecosystem being invaded and overtaken by a cult of incompetent or malicious members with a few especially charismatic leaders. Their intent being to push their faith and support their leader.

I don’t often explore my technum or objectum interests, but I find that the world becomes much more beautiful and kind of easier to understand when I do…

being robotkin or anything adjacent does not give you an excuse to be pro-ai. being techum or anything adjacent does not give you an excuse to be pro-ai. being neurodivergent does not give you an excuse to be pro-ai. i cannot believe that has to be said.

[fracturedgodhead]

How the FUCK did 4lung notice this??? Hai!! :3 hai!! hey!!! hai!!

Anyways, I guess I need to actually make music now… fuck.

This week is music :3 !!!! I don't know how to make music!!!! #15

I've been feeling the whole, "no more time-wasters" thing. There simply isn't a nothing to sink time into, so I am stuck always trying to do something. It's not always productive, youtube is becoming popular in my little world, but I've already done some drawing that I would not have otherwise, so that's pretty nice.

In other news, this weeks project will be... music. I have no clue how to make music at all. I have a copy of audacity, I'll fiddle around in there until I get something I guess. I'm pushing the OwieBrainHurts philosophy of "just try to do things regardless of your current skills". It's a good philosophy.

I've actually been thinking about that idea a lot. I think there is a dichotomy worth examining in terms of the way people go about doing things.

There is the "just do it" keep on attempting until it works. You come up with an end goal and just work until you get there. Every problem is to be solved as quickly and simply as possible. This kind of approach is sitting down with some tools and material and just doing what you can. You sit down with a piece of clay, a scoring tool, and some water, and you make whatever you can with your two hands, just working with what you currently know.

And there is the "learn a new thing" approach. This is arguably why people go to college. In this case, there is not a final product or conclusion, the goal is simply to gain information and understanding of something new for use later, but in the moment, it feels as though it is simply learning for its own sake. Like I said, this is why people go to college, but it's also people binging Wikipedia, or researching a directors entire body of work, or using codecademy.

I don't think I could differentiate the two for a long time. I would set out to do a specific thing and use the approach for the second to go about it. It was incredibly frustrating and I failed over and over.

I now know the difference, and I am learning which types of goals should be approached in which type of way. Each weekly project on its own uses the first method, and I have goals that would fit in the second category, but I have no plans yet to fulfill them, and that's okay for now.

To talk about the song though, some of my favorite artists right now are Patricia Taxxon, 4lung (also on soundcloud), STOMACH BOOK, and Vylet Pony (also on bandcamp). All of them fit decently well into what I have started calling the Taxxonian furry (link to Patty T's vid, it's a trip, consider this a warning) category of media. They all fit the sensory, symbolic, and slightly autistic criteria I think (Patty T obviously, but 4 lung just as much so. SB and Vylet might just be me enjoying noisecore and emo stuff and claiming I like both because they're furry, not because I just like multiple things lol). I want to make music in that genre. Possibly with some hyperpop/noisecore flair too (Nero's day at disnelyand goes hard). I don't know if this will be hard or easy, because I know nothing about music theory.

Like all of the little projects I've done so far though, I'm approaching it with maximal 'fuck it we ball' energy. I will make something, and I will spend the whole week making it. It is Christmas, so I will have a lot of plans, but I hope that kicking my incremental game habit will compensate, and I'll get approximately as much time as I had before to work on this.

[fracturedgodhead]

But you’re so pretty now?

*dies hundreds of years ago as the village fool* well that fucking sucked lol let’s try again *reincarnated as a tumblr user* FUUUUUUCK

[fracturedgodhead]

Update, her name is Rachel, and also, one of my coworkers came into the break room while I was on break and told me to take the tip.

Feels nice I guess.

Most people age regressing: “I love playing with toys :3”

Me age regressing (for some fucking reason): “You didn’t earn that tip, put it down.”

[fracturedgodhead]

Most people age regressing: “I love playing with toys :3”

Me age regressing (for some fucking reason): “You didn’t earn that tip, put it down.”