fragilecub-blog
Diary
Of a Sad Gay Cub and his Sad Lyfe
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Not sure where I left off but Hello, it’s 12/24/17
I know it’s been a while but things were going pretty good. I have the same stress from my social life, finding what’s next for my career opportunity, boys, my weight etc that usually keep me up at night. But for whatever reason I was happy. Then things just spiral down for me like a comet crashing down on my Jurassic world of happiness.
As a gay Latino man, sometimes I feel cursed. I am either fetishized or ostracized neither in between. Boys time and time again have failed human decency test bc well quite honestly they’re stupid. But I’m gay so I yearn for a connection for something, but I’m ugly, I have a lazy eye, I’m too fat, I’m too hair, I’m too old looking (I’m 22 FYI), I’m too young, I’m too gay, I’m whatever. And bc I’m weak and lame, I let it get to me, I shave bc i look to old or i let my beard grow bc I’m too young, I try to be less gay, I try everything but the truth of the matter is I’m fat and ugly. Ppl don’t like those especially by gay men standards. And bc I’m a human and I have needs I do hookup, but what are the options for a fat ugly gay loser... none. Tbh I’ve never been approached by a guy to talk to me, never been offered a drink, never been asked for a number, never nothing.... what else am I suppose to think? It’s combination of my skin color, my face, my lazy eye, my weight and maybe my personality, the fact is I have no one in my sexual or love life... this really bothers me and I can’t do anything about it.
This same thing occurs in my social life. Not only am I ugly and fat but I’m boring. People don’t listen to me when I speak, I know the difference I’m not stupid. I’ve seen it way too many times to not notice it. I Moved to a new city, and I feel like I’ve made zero well developed friends. My roommate is amazing at it but then again she’s charismatic and beautiful and I’m just a fugly no life with nothing interesting to say. I feel lonely a lot.
That’s why this day matters. Around the holidays I struggle with my happiness and depression. I’m in this new city with no family, no friends just me and I’m scared. Scared of what terrible thoughts may consume my every waking moment as I spend Xmas and New Year’s Day alone and alone and alone. Maybe some day I’ll be happy but chances are the way things are going now I’ll be alone till the day I die. I love my non important life, it is my favorite thing.
#sad#lonely#gay and lonely#fat#ugly#fugly#im such a loser#im falling apart#i hate the holidays#merry xmas#happy new year#something has to change
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