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so close to finishing this game it’s literally top 3 for me I think

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hands you a flashbang with the pin removed. hold this for me, okay?

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jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:

I’m the best to ever do it

Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)

No one’s ever done it like me

I could be President/they should make me President

Behold, a mere fraction of my power!

The public wants to be me soooooo bad

I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)

How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?

Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix

I’m being sabotaged

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reblog if you’re a sick fuck

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sometimes your brain really just offers you one banger of a sentence and then that's it for the entire rest of the day. creativity expired, the ability to think has clocked out for the day, context for as to how we even get to this sentence? sorry we're all out. this one sentence is all you get.

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"the 5th celebrity you have saved on your phone -" you and i live in vastly different worlds

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i think one of the best parts about being a teenager in the early to mid 2010s was that cigarettes were definitely not cool anymore and vapes hadn’t popularized yet so my lungs made it out of my peak impressionable years relatively unscathed

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just encountered the exact opposite problem of when people name babies instead of future adults. one of my classmates named her son octavius maximus. girl we are naming future adults not future roman emperors

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He means a little squeeze bottle with brine shrimp inside but… bottle feeding the loblings…

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FINALLY. YOU OLD BASTARD

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Tenner

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Love when some stupid bullshit app i was forced to install for a singular purpose even though i knew i'd never use it again in my life has the audacity to send me a notification and remind me of its pathetic existence like You fool. had you kept silent, i might have allowed you to languish, forgotten, on the third page of my homescreen for another few months. but no, you simply couldn't resist. "☀️ Mornings are brighter with Zippadee! 😊✨" i'll shoot you like a dog

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"Kill yourself" is basic. "I hope your fandom gets a new installment that is objectively a great work but also tonally dissonant from the previous ones in a way that generates a huge newbie boom of people uninterested and hostile towards the history of the franchise" is smart. It's possible. It's terrifying. It's happening right now.

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mildly funny when someone gets divorced out of your family and your relationship status becomes like. ex-uncle. ex-stepsibling. yeah we shared holiday dinners for years and now you're just some guy to me. c'est la vie.

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really underrated sibling dynamic is eldest freak loser sister no friends no bitches strange and offputting. and her really normal younger sister who loves her and hangs out with her.