frogandcloud

[frogandcloud]

8:49 pm

10|15|22

I was lying on my bed. baba (father) got back and came in to see me. he said the way i was laying was exactly how i slept as i baby. he told me i looked like a baby. I think I was never sure of his love for me when I was young. But that felt like love. So, now I'm crying. He layed down with me, even though my bed hurts our backs. and when he left he gave me kisses on both my cheeks. so i'm crying. and my head is hurting.

rec. oceanic feeling - lorde

[frogandcloud]

chocolate and blood

10.4.22                                                                                                   12:14pm

1      4  2   spaces between the date and time | matches with the date

Chocolate and Blood

I flossed today. After eating mint chocolate chip ice cream. With rainbow sprinkles. It’s 12:15 am. At night I get more depressed. It feels more lonely and like I have nothing I can do to distract me cause I’m supposed to be asleep. I want to die more at night. Actually it’s not that I want to die, I think it’s my intrusive thoughts telling me to. But…it still kind of feels like I want to. I kind of feel it in my heart. But I think it can be confusing trying to label emotions. 

Anger

When I get angry I cry. I wish I didn’t. When I cry, I can’t talk. And when I’m angry, I want to stand up for myself but I can’t. I want the person who made me angry to know I’m angry, but instead they might think I’m having a mental breakdown. Balling my eyes out. In the hospital I met Liz. We met before but she didn’t remember me. She said she didn’t remember anything from High Focus. A mental health place/thing. Anyway, we were roommates. She’s amazing at yelling. I envy her. She always stands up for herself and others. The nurses kept telling her not to yell at her parents on the phone but her parents have failed her. I think she has a lot to be angry about, and I told her that. I’m proud of her. And worried. But I know she will never stay quiet. 

i’m getting tired. maybe the melatonin gummies are working

[frogandcloud]

number one

I got out of the hospital three days ago. The psych ward. I'm seventeen, I've been there twice. After getting out I didn't feel depressed, I felt very positive and I thought my new meds were working, but now I don't think they are. I feel a lot of things and nothing at all. I'll be going to residential in a months time, cause of the waiting list. I do want to get better, but sometimes it feels like I never will. Whenever I feel bad, I'm sometimes reminded that that feeling won't last forever, but neither do the good feelings. I don't think that's fair. acceptance. I have to accept it. Then I'll feel better. I don't really get that. If acceptance was the cure then why are so many people depressed still. What happens next. There is no cure. How can I accept that my happiness will never last? I don't know how to do that.

tangerine.

It's a book I'm reading. I read it in middle school but basically forgot it all. I found it at the hospital, then I took it home. I'm not sure if I'm really sorry about that. Anyway, I really like it. I like how the main character, Paul, thinks and how he feels, and I love soccer too. I can't play it anymore though. It feels like a part of me was stolen. I feel a little more empty.

" ' Do you mean, it's nice weather here if you're a duck?'

' Yeah. Or a tangerine. But now it's all upside-down, you know? It's all messed up. The rain clouds show up everyday, just like they're supposed to, but there aren't any tangerine trees. Just people. And the people have no use for the rain clouds. So the clouds go around looking for all the tangerine trees. They can't find them, they get mad, and they start thundering and lightning and dumping the rain on us. '

I had the feeling Mom knew what I was talking about, but all she would say is, 'Clouds don't get mad, Paul' " (Edward Bloor)

(my old lit teacher would be proud of my quoting skills I think.)

It makes me laugh. I like his imagination and I like how he's very observant of people. I feel like I have those things in common with ol' Paul.

i'm not sure how to end this. i'll stop typing now