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When life is mostly great but you also don’t know how to stop isolating yourself 🙃 (at Isla Vista, California)

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Dinner at Lukshon last night had me thinking about how much I’ll miss Jonathan Gold and how he changed how I saw LA, turning me into an LA food stan. It was also the total opposite of this wild meal we had at this restaurant on our way to Tso Moriri, a beautiful, remote lake in Ladakh, India (maybe I’ll share those photos next.). It felt weirdly invasive because this was one of the few places we went where pretty much no one spoke more than a few words of English, and this restaurant with plastic chairs and someone washing dishes using a bucket of water from the hot spring outside. But we somehow ordered noodles, fried rice, and limca to sustain us through the rest of the 8 hour or so-hour van ride up largely unpaved mountain roads. So as annoying as traffic and parking in LA can be, I’m grateful for all the infrastructure (roads, sidewalks, clean water, animal control, food safety standards—ty public health & urban planning) and the opportunity we had to experience life without this, too. Plus check out the dog we saw hanging out under the prayer wheel. 😝 (at Ladakh, India)

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. . . . . . . #tbt #phillipaccidentalmodel #travel #india #ladakh #leh #j&k #littletibet #views #buddha #gompa #shantistupa #shey #sheypalace #thikse #auspicious #monastery #dreamsdocometrue #manalihighway (at Thikse Monastery)

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Real feel at the Taj Mahal was 111° so air conditioned lunch at this hotel after felt heavenly. (at The Oberoi Amarvilas, Agra)

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🌺🌮💗

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Hamilton w/ the fam + Jidori chicken with a warning + fancy desserts = great Sunday/Monday scaries prevention. #publichealth (at San Diego Civic Theatre)

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When was the last time an app entertained me as much as this one did ?

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Happy birthday, Monica! Congrats on exiting the #teen years & becoming the coolest full adult in our family. (at Simi Valley, California)

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Hope friends who live in places with #weather are staying warm. I miss Minneapolis sometimes but not so much at this time of year. Also, #tbt to visiting an only slightly warmer city as a vacation last year (s/o to @jreynaga13) (at Chicago, Illinois)

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Things didn’t go quite as planned for our NYE trip, but we got plenty of spectacular views along the way. (at Black Jack Mountain)

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Hello 2018

This past Friday, about 6 hours into a full day of hiking about 16 miles from the tiny city of Avalon to a very remote and high-altitude campground, I asked Phillip what his New Year’s Resolutions were. I know he doesn’t make them, but I was bored and hot and tired. I don’t remember what he said. I don’t remember what I said either. I do know that I’ve thought about the question a lot since then.

(The view of Avalon from about 7 miles in.)

At that point, I was just starting to seriously doubt our ability as a unit to make it all the way across the island, but the thought stuck with me through the remainder of the day. Even as we were forced to convert our first backpacking trip into a regular camping trip and an early boat ride back to the mainland, I found myself struggling to articulate how, specifically, I wanted to make 2018 a better year.

My breakthrough came when P and I were back on the mainland, with bruised egos and sore bodies as evidence of a harrowing journey, shopping for charcuterie items to take to my parents’ New Years Eve dinner. While I usually love this type of entertainment prep, I found myself distracted by my physical discomfort (and Phillip’s) and the guilt I felt about not preparing and researching the trip more beforehand. I knew my family’s preferences about meats, cheese, and sweet and savory nibbles (safe/bland=best), I was preparing to gently push them outside their comfort zone--peppadews instead of roasted red peppers, a goat cheese instead of an aged cheddar-- why hadn’t I been that considerate in how I handled our backpacking plans? Why hadn’t I proposed a shorter, less intense trip that would more safely gauge Phillip’s tolerance for hiking with his new pack, better accommodate his sun sensitivity, while also letting me break in my new hiking boots and limiting the stress on my slowly healing, (but still mysterious) running injury?

(2018 NYE Charcuterie. My favorites were: the honey goat cheese, great in a peppadew, and garlic olives)

The obvious answer is that I was optimistic about our physical abilities, and distracted by school. There’s no point in agonizing over what I should or could have done before our backpacking fiasco but in a nutshell, I think if I had been more willing to give myself more leeway in my physical training over the Summer and subsequent recovery over the Fall, and if I had been more open and articulate about my concerns for our trip, we could have avoided some serious discomfort and inconvenience. These less obvious answers—that I pushed myself too hard and didn’t communicate adequately-- led me to my 2018 New Year’s Resolution to be kinder to myself and to share more of myself with the world.

In 2015, I made a mid-year resolution to be generous with my explanations for others’ behavior, inspired by one of the chapters in Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project. While I thought of myself as a(n externally) calm and empathetic person in general, the simplicity and directness of formulating satisfying excuses for others has permanently altered my ability to be patient and forgiving internally. At first, it felt artificial and pointless to tell myself “maybe that person is late to an important life event” when a stranger would cut me off on the 405 or swapping “ugh, this kid just does not care about this SAT prep class” to “maybe that kid forgot to do their homework because they were taking care of a sick sibling.” I sometimes wondered if it was worth the mental energy required to come up with these types of backstories.

(June 2015. I thought this was a good illustration of this time in my life: I had spent all afternoon working at my unpaid internship, then drove ~2 hours to a baby shower where I was so overwhelmed/ tired that I ran away for a bit to hang out with this random dog.)

Yet I also started to recognize that the energy required was less than what it took to stay angry or disappointed, especially with strangers. I slowly found it easier to let go of the suspicion that people are truly inconsiderate and willfully ignorant through cultivating healthier thought patterns. This skill probably kept me sane during my first year in my MPH program (where I was constantly reminded that not everyone had the same (intense) research training that I got during my undergrad program and that the “coastal elitist” vibe is truly offputting and hard to relate to when the idea of living in a city where you can run errands 3978 times before you see anyone you know is incomprehensible.)

Obviously, I’m still a coastal elitist unwilling to overlook consistently bad behavior/poor judgment, especially after some discussion, if it comes from someone I have an ongoing relationship with. But I’m a lot more willing to initiate those conversations when they’re needed, and kinder and more patient with others. My closest friends (and my Mom and Phillip) have told me this for years, but it’s only now that I more readily overlook and move past others’ misdeeds that I’m starting to believe that I really am too hard on myself.  

(Camp at Two Harbors. Hard to complain about “failure” resulting in getting to relaxing here for the night and next morning.)

Undoubtedly, my self-esteem has risen considerably over the past few years as I’ve accomplished some (100% objectively) awesome things and overcome some challenges, but I still carry a lot of self-doubt and have realized that I censor myself in ways that keep me from ~living my best life.~  Even as I have gotten pretty good at excusing others’ mistakes (when excusable) I cling to the same excuses for why I make mistakes, or why I choose not to express myself fully such as:

1. If I keep working hard, this problem will go away or, I can find solutions on my own.

Sometimes true (e.g. most school stuff) but I’ve also made things worse by ignoring red flags i.e. ALL my running injuries, taking on WAY too much responsibility at once in the last year of my MPH program/ in the first quarter of my PhD program.

2. I’m an introvert and there’s nothing wrong with that.

There isn’t, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t share my thoughts and struggles with those who want to hear about them (and even those who don’t tell me they want to know.)

3. What if when I share my thoughts/concerns/questions, everyone else judges me?

I recently heard (on a podcast that I wish I could remember so I could properly cite) that when you have repetitive negative thoughts it’s best to address them by first, trying to convince yourself that the worst- case scenario probably won’t happen. And second, that even if it does it’s unlikely to affect every facet of your life. Finally, you should realize that whatever does happen will result in an opportunity to respond positively in some way. So. I usually keep my resolutions mostly to myself, and they are usually more concrete, since I know that’s what makes them more likely to happen (e.g. “stop biting nails by keeping nails painted” -- outcome semi-successful 10+ years running.) But 2018 is going to be different for me, I hope. I’m going to be kinder to myself by recognizing when I make the excuses above, and braver and more open by putting more of my thoughts out there. Meaning into more honest and frequent conversations with friends and family and more meaningful content (like this) into the internet/social media void.  So: if you’re listening, if you want to offer advice, if you want mutual support, let me know.

(Here’s a dorky selfie I took in Kauai in case you need a visual reference for who I am or something. Also, I wanted to share an odd number of photos and this seemed semi-relevant.)

Thanks for reading.

Happy 2018.

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Mónica (@monicalazalde) says my Bachelor job would be "Succulent Farmer." (at Simi Valley, California)

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It's giant dandelion season, again and I am relishing the greenery. (at Uptown, Minneapolis)

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Tfw DNA comes on at 13.0mi & you accidentally ignore your cheering friends as you sprint thru the finish. 🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️(thanks/sorry!) (at Lake Minnetonka)

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#tbt to peak spring break multitasking: running, clicking pics, not freezing & campus touring. (at Basilica of the Sacred Heart at the University of Notre Dame)

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Weekend adventures. (at Heyday)

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Thanks for the tour & great company today @jreynaga13 Always great to catch up (& discuss everything from race, culture, spirituality & imposter syndrome in academia to using bread slices as napkins 😄.) (at Harper Memorial Library Memorial Café)